These are hilarious, and spot on. Although I don’t think you can effectively label JT as a rock act. I think he was and always will be pop. It’s the dichotomy of a pop artist getting sucked into the rock n roll world of drugs that is so interesting and entertaining to me. You hear his sweet soothing voice but picture him sticking a needle between his toes, which creates an added layer of awe and wonder to his music. Then you listen to “Steamroller” and know that he could be badass if and when he wanted to.

It’s very square to use words like “gifted” and “guested” too!

There’s a great story in David Browne’s Sonic Youth bio about the one and only time the band decided to try cocaine. Apparently they all got in the back of the van, carefully measured out the drugs, diligently chopped up the lines… and then a gust of wind came and blew it all away. Definite squares. In a very endearing way.

Well, if you think that’s what Hotel California is about, you’ve obviously not understood any of it at al…..

Coldplay was asking for it.

Where’s Bob Seger?

It’s interesting that they’re all men.

The actual resort referred to in the song “Hotel California” is nothing like the Chateau Marmont. It started off as a resort/retreat built near the turn of the last century in Norco, California (a rural, agricultural community east of Los Angeles). The resort itself consisted of several Spanish Mission styled buildings at the top of a hill overlooking a small man made lake. It is rumored that it was owned by the Mafia during the 1920′s. The property was then owned by the U.S. Navy and used for training and as a retreat from the 1930′s until It was transferred to the State of California and the Hotel itself was turned into a state mental hospital. This is the era the song refers to. After this period it became a Women’s prison and a very large Men’s prison was built around the base of the hill. Currently, the main section of the Hotel is empty and fenced off from the rest of the original resort complex. These buildings currently serve as a level II, Special Needs Yard, Men’s prison for the state of California. The inmates housed there are in protective custody for various reasons, some are drop-outs from prison gangs or otherwise deemed at risk from other prisoners in the general population. There are also a high number of gay inmates and inmates requiring ongoing medical care. How do I know this? I spent a short time there a couple of years ago as an HIV positive inmate. I found it rather surreal to do hard time in a location made famous in a soft rock classic.

[...] The Squarest Rock Acts of All Time [...]

So I guess Phil Collins playing drums on Brian Eno’s tracks and “In The Air Tonight” not hipster cred enough for you all. How about the Frida “I Know There’s Something Going On” track he produced?

Hall & Oates “I Can’t Go…” was pretty damn funky and bassy for it’s time. De La Soul thought so.

Wait a minute,I just took time out from looking for work on line to defend Hall & Oates and Phil Collins on a worthless music website. I need to reevaluate my life. :0

The Eagles created a unique sound that was appreciated across the demographic spectrum. Their combined talent equals more than all the other bands of their day combined. To lump a truly seminal band in with Hall and Oates is reprehensible.

Fascinating comment above by Michael re Hotel California. Thanks so much for taking the time to relate this history!

Bobby, Rock encompasses all genres, Pop included. I wouldn’t call them square, just a less loud, lol.

Daryl Hall was square enough to record Sacred Songs with Robert Fripp back in the day. The song NYCNY still holds up 3 decades later.

About 70% correct especially the #1 choice, but there is nothing more square, unsexy, or nerdy than indie rock. Nothing says hot, sexy hedonistic fun like The Decembrists, The Pains of Being Pure at Heart, or any Pitchfork band. Haha. Indie Rock is great to listen to, but you sure ain’t gonna hear any amazing road stories filled with debauchery from any of those white nerds. They’re all too busy tweeting and texting. In the 70′s and 80′s they were too busy, drinking, smoking snorting and fucking.

Cheers to Michael in the comment above for providing the much needed clarification on the Eagles Hotel California.

You plebes are obviously not familiar with the Advanced Genius Theory.

Debating the intricacies of Hotel California is an exercise in futility. Regardless of the song’s actual meaning, the Eagles were still fucking terrible.

At this point in my life, I’m as square as can be. I survived the ’70′s, ’80′s and ’90′s. I’m always gonna like the Eagles & Sting (Police snd solo). I’ve earned it.

You guys make up categories and then make fun when the labels don’t fit. Slow day at Flavorwire, eh?

This uninformed “article” is reason to unsubscribe from Flavorwire.

if you don’t understand that hotel california is an allegory, you probably shouldn’t be writing.

Bryan Adams also famously bought the pub neighbouring his London home….and closed it because he didn’t like the noise.

You guys don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. First of all, James Taylor was never a ‘rock’ artist, but a singer-songwriter, and “Fire and Rain” is a brillant and poignant portrayal of the complex emotions accompanying the suicide of a friend in the same rehab facility. There was never anything “sappy” about Taylor’s music, unless you consider all folk artists to be nothing more then saccirine. As far as The Eagles, the song “Hotel California” was NOT about a spoiled rock artist being stuck inside a California hotel. If your interpretation of lyrics is that weak and shallow, you shouldn’t be reviewing rock or folk artists. Haven’t you heard of the concept of a ‘metaphor’? I was going to read the rest of your article, but had to stop here. Really, flavorwire, you guys usually do a better job!

Oh, man. If you can call JT and Hall & Oates “rock” then Rupert Holmes (you know, the “Escape (the Pina Colada Song)” guy) DEFINITELY qualifies. And he was probably the squarest dude ever to grace an album cover (bar Lawrence Welk, of course, who is the yardstick by which all squareness is measured).

I’m reading this and for some reason I hear Supertramp and Styx in my head.

I love how people get their backs up when their utterly questionable taste is called to the mat.

Along with HOOT, I also noticed that all these bands were men. Would they be as square if they were girl groups? Or are you saying that boy bands who have a “softer” sound are girlie and therefore square (meaning uncool, lame, etc.)?

Mingo, I agree with you. People defending the Eagles – step back and evaluate yourselves a bit – it’s a dopey song we’ve all heard way too much, and that band spawned Don Henley and Glenn Frey solo work! Contemptible!

Giallo: The Eagles didn’t create SHIT. Gram Parsons created something. By your standards, Pat Boone created something enduring (as opposed to Elvis).

I think this list is hilarious and spot on.

The list is terribly funny. But, the comments are where its at. Thanks to you all for the smiles.

Where’s Sheryl Crow and Anne Murray on this list? Equal Opportunity please.

I don’t understand you’re definition of “Square”. Like, if it is about being boring or uncool people off-stage that’s one thing, if it is about the music sucking, that’s another, if its about the music being overused in mainstream culture that’s another… I would say the members of Rush would count as squares, like, aren’t they are all well behaved, polite fellows who are reliable?

I think I’m getting kinda bored with these poorly executed lists you keep coming up with. If the concepts are going to be this shallow (lately it has all been about slamming cultural figures you don’t care for and assuming others agree with your weak logic) they need to be better written and more witty. kinda just sounds bratty…

Plop! The sound of journalists hitting easy targets.

Hmmmm. OK. I guess 70′s rock was rather lame, although it’s a hell of a lot better than that crap that we hear today! Gaga my ass!

What is interesting is that each one of the persons or groups mentioned had mega-selling albums, back in the day. To be honest, the people who are listed aren’t really squares, at all. The main reason is simply this: If it wasn’t for them, we’d be listening to Yanni, cross-dressing and not creating a general nuisance.

I’d *much* rather cross-dress and listen to Yanni than endure ‘Hotel California’ again.

Yet some of these acts were quite cool at one time. Phil Collins was the drummer for seminal art rockers Genesis. The News (as “Clover”) backing Elvis Costello’s brilliant first album. The Police actually kinda rocked on their first couple albums. Daryl Hall is a lunatic but a brilliant musician. James Taylor was solid in Monte Hellman’s classic 60s B-movie “Two-Lane Blacktop.” But yeah, Coldplay just suck.

1. Forefather of all square bands has to be Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Even the mob connection doesn’t make up for them being the most milquetoast, inoffensive, and fuckin’ WHINY group of singers ever.

2. Paul Revere and the Raiders were pretty damn straight-and-narrow.

3. Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Marx!

4. To make up for the dire lack of diversity on this list, I offer Tiffany. Seemingly created to have something that parents could wholeheartedly embrace.

5. Keane makes Coldplay look like the Clash.

Um, the Osmonds?

@Micheal: That is so not square about “Hotel California”, a thumping great song that I’ll keep rocking till the second coming.

Where’s the Meatloaf?

‘You can check out any time you like but you can never leave’ has always seemed to be a perfect anthem of existentialism to me….they can be as square as they like.

The Beach Boys should be on this list.

The Beach Boys are wiping their brows in relief right now. They can keep company with the Sex Pistils.