Welcome to “Trailer Park,” our regular Friday feature where we collect the week’s new trailers all in one place and do a little “judging a book by its cover,” ranking them from worst to best and taking our best guess at what they may be hiding. We’ve got six new trailers this week, with an emphasis on family-friendly fare. Check ‘em out after the jump.

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Today at Flavorpill, we celebrated yesterday’s historic weddings by collectively swooning over 60 awesome portraits of newly-married gay couples in New York. We got our first glimpse at the plans for the Apple Store in Grand Central. We appreciated Laura Goode’s thoughtful piece of writing on Amy Winehouse’s life (and role in our lives). We were excited that Omar from The Wire (aka Michael K. Williams) will be playing a biology professor in the last three episodes of the upcoming season of Community. We were very curious as to what deep fried fluffernutter tastes like. We watched Sean Bean do what he does best — die. We found the idea that your fingerprints can reveal a coke habit kind of strange (it’s because of the sweat). We wanted to sail around on this crazy yacht that doubles as a private island. We were kind of creeped out by these paper eyelashes, but at the same time we really want to wear some. And finally, we were scandalized by how much Elizabeth Taylor’s old-school drama with Debbie Reynolds resembles Angelina Jolie’s modern-day “romantic feud” with Jennifer Aniston. Evidently, tabloid history really does repeat itself.

On this day in 1986, James Cameron’s sci-fi/action epic Aliens was released in American theaters. A sequel to Ridley Scott’s 1979 scare-fest Alien, Cameron’s picture was a smash with both audiences and critics, raking in $85 million at the box office and racking up seven Oscar nominations, including a Best Actress nod for star Sigourney Weaver. More importantly, it reinvented Weaver’s Ellen Ripley as the kind of strong, muscular, tough action hero role played almost exclusively by male stars like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The trouble is, Aliens came out 25 years ago, and a female action hero like Ripley is still the exception to the rule.

Sure, there are occasional heirs — Milla Jovovich has fronted four Resident Evil movies (with a fifth on the way), Uma Thurman did the Kill Bills, and Linda Hamilton kicked major ass in Cameron’s Aliensfollow-up, Terminator 2. Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis co-starred in Thelma and Louise. And there’s Angelina Jolie, who raised heart rates in the Tomb Raider movies, Wanted, and Mr. and Mrs. Smith, as well as last year’s Salt — an action lead, incidentally, originally intended for Tom Cruise. But that’s a pretty lean mixture of ladies for 25 years of moviemaking. Why is the female action hero still such a rarity?

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This week’s most shared, absolute must-see video? A good old-fashioned fail. Shooting up to over five million cumulative views on YouTube was “Girl falls into mall fountain while texting.” CNN caught up with the woman, Cathy Cruz Marrero, who was understandably embarrassed. (It could be worse. She could be the girl whose knee shadow looked like a penis.) Amanda Palmer and the Young Punx’s new video for “Map of Tasmania” touted the benefits of bush; we rounded up 36 girls in nerd panties; and an old blonde joke found new life on Facebook. In celebrity buzz, Michael Douglas was spotted photobombing behind Catherine Zeta Jones and Angelina Jolie. And now that you feel sufficiently bad for laughing, here are the cute animals to make it all better: meet the Babysitting Dog, an insanely loyal Brazilian pooch, and the tiniest adorable animals of all time.

Somewhere out there, in the cosmos, there’s a universe far better than ours. It’s a place where Russ Meyer directs Marilyn Monroe and John Wayne in Kill Bill and Ronald Reagan stars as Big Brother in 1984, where Angelina Jolie takes the role of Little Alex in A Clockwork Orange and the cast of John Frankenheimer’s Watchmen includes Lenny Bruce, Peter Fonda, and Brigitte Bardot. In this faraway Valhalla, Molly Ringwald and Anthony Michael Hall helm a film adaptation of Futurama, directed by Tim Burton.

Unfortunately, we don’t have the technology to travel there. But a brave soul named Sean Hartter has somehow gotten his hands on some its dispatches — and he’s selling them for pretty reasonable prices! Check out a gallery of Hartter’s alternate-universe movie posters after the jump.

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On a recent episode of his Savage Love podcast, Dan Savage indulged in what has become a Yuletide tradition: railing against Christmas-themed erotica. His implicit objection to Santa-hatted self-pics and the like is simple enough to understand; he thinks Christmas just isn’t sexy. He’s not alone, and most of these Sex Scrooges are right — there’s nothing inherently libidinous about a holiday centered on tree ornamentation, elf labor, and Jesus. But a handful of films have dared to forge an alliance between Christmastime and Sexytime.

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1. Proving that her love of gift giving has no bounds, Oprah bestowed Thursday night’s audience of The Daily Show with free flights to DC for Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity. She’ll also be paying for their hotels, the lucky bastards. [via THR]
2. On a related note, NPR has decided that it would be unethical for any of their journalists to attend the event because they need to preserve their neutrality. [via Rolling Stone]
3. Amy Adams, Chris Cooper and Rashida Jones are all in negotiations to join Jason Segel in the cast of Disney’s untitled Muppet movie. [via THR]
4. The Situation is in talks to become a part owner/spokesperson for a luxury gym at the Plaza Hotel — aka what will be “the most exclusive and most VIP fitness club in the United States.” [via NYP]
5. Angelina Jolie, whose directorial debut centers around a love story set in the Bosnian War, has been banned from shooting in Bosnia. Says the country’s cultural minister: “We will only give them a permit to film if we can see the script and it shows the story doesn’t insult Bosnian women, victims of war.” [via Express]

Bonus link: The 17 Differences Between 30 Rock’s East Coast and West Coast Live Episodes

1. In case you missed it before, last night The Daily Show ran a rather timely (and possibly NSFW) clip of Isabella Rossellini as a bedbug from her educational Green Porno series. [via Vulture]
2. Angelina Jolie will make her debut as both a director and screenwriter for an upcoming romantic drama that’s set during the Bosnian war. [via Us]
3. Between books, film, and TV shows, vampires have brought in about $7 billion since the Twilight film franchise launched less than two years ago. [via THR]
4. Definite downgrade: Now that she is done playing Jackie Kennedy, Katie Holmes might sign on for the part of Adam Sandler’s wife in Jack and Jill — a Thanksgiving comedy where he’ll take on the roles of a twin brother and sister. [via MTV]
5. Preliminary research shows that people who buy e-readers — an estimated 11 million Americans by the end of September — tend to spend more time than ever reading. [via WSJ]

Bonus link: Movies That Would Have Been Ruined by Facebook

1. Sylvester Stallone‘s action flick The Expendables topped the weekend box office, raking in $35 million. Meanwhile, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World only took in $10.5 million. [via MTV]
2. What Arcade Fire‘s mainstream success on indie label Merge means for record labels [via New Yorker]
3. Neil Patrick Harris and and his longtime partner, David Burtka, are expecting twins via a surrogate this October. [via E!]
4. George Clooney and Angelina Jolie will star as Frank Sinatra and Marilyn Monroe in an adaptation of Andrew O’Hagan‘s novel, The Life and Opinions of Maf the Dog, and of His Friend Marilyn Monroe. [via The Playlist]
5. According to sources, director David Fincher was “very impressed” by Scarlett Johansson‘s audition for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Are we the only ones who just wish he’d go ahead and cast the part of Lisbeth Salander already? [via Gatecrasher]

Bonus link: Old Lady Dancing at Wal-Mart

1. Last night, Conan O’Brien and Jack White recorded a live album together at Third Man Records. [via Twenty Four Bit]
2. Get your wallets out, Twihards: The final Twilight book, Breaking Dawn, will be filmed in two parts. [via Vulture]
3. A Cleopatra biopic is in the works, and Angelina Jolie will reportedly star as the Egyptian queen. Honestly, we’re surprised it took this long. [via Cinematical]
4. In case you were wondering, Russell Crowe is not dead. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet. [via LA Times]
5. Jay-Z has remixed M.I.A.‘s “XXXO” for your downloading pleasure. [via Nah Right]

Bonus video: Twitter: The Criterion Collection