Welcome to “Trailer Park,” our regular Friday feature where we collect the week’s new trailers all in one place and do a little “judging a book by its cover,” ranking them from worst to best and taking our best guess at what they may be hiding. This week, we’ve got ten to show you
— everything from new Soderbergh and Clooney movies to, yes, a film adaptation of a board game. Check ‘em all out after the jump.

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1. Today in real headlines that read like Onion headlines, Shia LaBeouf is making a documentary about Marilyn Manson. In an interview on Live with Regis and Kelly, LaBeouf he described their meeting: “He lives in West Hollywood above a liquor store. There’s no lights in the room. And there’s sort of these big metal doors and he opens the door and he’s in a big pink kimono. It’s sort of like a lair. No lights, so you have to use your cellphone to guide you around.” [via NME]

2. Jonathan Rhys Meyers, most recently known for starring as Henry VIII in The Tudors, was hospitalized this week in what may have been a suicide attempt. The actor is thought to have taken alcohol and pills. After he refused treatment, paramedics called in the police to take him to the hospital. [via Vulture]

3. Actor and anti-child sex slavery activist Ashton Kutcher has an official start date for Two and a Half Men: August 1. The new season will debut September 19 — and hopefully won’t be terrible enough to ruin Kelso for us forever. [via TV Squad]

4. Francis Ford Coppola has named his new, partially 3D, supernatural thriller Twixt and will debut portions of the film at Comic-Con on July 23. Dan Deacon, who created the score, will be on hand “to help demonstrate the viewing experience,” which we assume/hope means he’ll be performing the music live. [via Deadline]

5. The final episode of Glenn Beck‘s Fox News show aired last night, and critics didn’t exactly throw him a going-away party. David Zurawik at the Baltimore Sun pretty much spoke for everyone in describing Beck’s performance as “quiet, banal and kind of pathetic.” [via The Hollywood Reporter]

Bonus link: Watch Beyoncé surprise some young fans with a dance party at a Harlem Target

We have to imagine this is a pretty bizarre week to work at the Village Voice. For one thing, the alt weekly’s staff union is on the verge of a strike and has set up a Tumblr where they’ll publish content during the protest. As if that weren’t enough stress, now Ashton Kutcher is totally flipping out at them. Here’s the short version of a long story (that merits reading up on in more depth): Kutcher and Demi Moore are behind the Real Men Don’t Buy Girls campaign, which works to end child sex slavery, in part by shaming guys who would pay to sleep with underage girls. Yesterday, the Voice – which has often been criticized for its reliance on escort ads — published a cover story debunking Kutcher’s (and much of the mainstream media’s) claim that there are 100,000-300,000 child sex slaves in the US.

Now, the actor has taken to Twitter, where he boasts over seven million followers, to tell the Voice that “REAL MEN DON’T BUY GIRLS and REAL NEWS PUBLICATIONS DON’T SELL THEM” and warn them, “I’m just getting started!!!!!!!! BTW I only PLAYED stupid on TV.” As we type, the paper is firing back to question Kutcher about why he deleted a (fairly innocuous-sounding) tweet that said, “i’m up now. been up.” To be continued…

1. Now that Hugh Grant has passed on the part, it’s almost 100% confirmed that Ashton Kutcher will be taking over for Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. And according to a source, the way his character will be introduced won’t feel forced: “It’s really funny. People are going to love it.” [via THR]

2. Mark Wahlberg will reunite with director David O. Russell (The Fighter) for his forthcoming adaptation of Matthew Quick’s 2008 novel The Silver Lining Playbook, which tells the story of a former high school history teacher who is released into the custody of his mom after a four-year stint in a mental institution. Sounds promising! [via Vulture]

3. Check out the second promo for Season 4 of True Blood here. While it reveal absolutely nothing (other than Joe Manganiello’s werewolf abs), it’s a good reminder that June 26 can’t come soon enough.

4. Stevie Nicks has revealed that Fleetwood Mac will tour again in 2012. “When [my new] album and Lindsey’s album come to a stop then Fleetwood Mac will gather again and we’ll either make another record or we won’t and we’ll just go on tour.” Maybe seeing them live will help us purge that recent episode of Glee from our collective memory. [via NME]

5. “As far as censorship goes, the Chinese government had asked for the names of the songs that I would be playing. There’s no logical answer to that, so we sent them the set lists from the previous 3 months. If there were any songs, verses or lines censored, nobody ever told me about it and we played all the songs that we intended to play.” – Bob Dylan responds in a rare post on his website to reports of censorship in China

Bonus link: Watch Nick Offerman eat a Ron Swanson Turkey Burger

Today at Flavorpill, we liked Architizer’s brief history of moving buildings, a roundup inspired by Richard Neutra’s Maxwell House. We watched a clip from Claire Danes’s new Showtime series Homeland. We looked back at the Civil War, 150 years later. We were kind of confused by the reasoning in Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s “real men don’t buy girls” PSAs. We learned about the algorithms Facebook uses to decide what news makes it to the top of your feed. We were inspired by How About We’s five date ideas for Jane Austen superfans. We wished that all interviews — or at least all interviews with Zach Galifianakis — could be done Mad Libs-style. We really felt our age while looking over 50 magazine covers from 20 years ago. And finally, we read Mark Twain’s amazing letter to Walt Whitman in celebration of the famed poet’s 70th birthday in May of 1889. Can you imagine a better present?

We weren’t entirely sure whether it was an April Fools joke when we read over the weekend that Justin Bieber and Ashton Kutcher are to star in a movie together – it’s apparently going to be called What Would Kenny Do?, and features Ashton as an older version of Justin, somehow projected back in time to advise his younger self on how to survive the trials of adolescence. The Guardian published an amusing piece suggesting that this might well turn out to be the worst buddy movie ever, but the duo would have to beat some pretty stiff competition — namely, the disastrous pairings we’ve collected after the jump. (We’re omitting on-screen couples here, because that’s a whole new can of worms, and because there’s only one clear winner in that category: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.)

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1. Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter account (which currently has almost 6.4 million followers) was anonymously hacked yesterday by someone at TED 2011 who was trying to demonstrate that many of our favorite web applications don’t use high-security encryption to protect their data. Point made. [via Gawker]

2. The lovely Diane Lane has signed on to play Martha Kent in the new Superman movie. Says director Zack Snyder: “This was a very important piece of casting for me because Martha Kent is the woman whose values helped shape the man we know as Superman. We are thrilled to have Diane in the role because she can convey the wisdom and the wonder of a woman whose son has powers beyond her imagination.” [via Deadline]

3. Cameron Crowe’s documentary The Union, a film about the creative life of Elton John, will open the 2011 Tribeca Film Festival on April 20th; a performance by the rock icon himself will follow the free, outdoor screening. [via ComingSoon]

4. In case you’re wondering just how much Justin Bieber’s hair is worth, some clippings put up for auction on eBay by Ellen DeGeneres just sold for $40,668. [via NYDN]

5. Jennifer Aniston’s 10,000-square-foot mansion in Beverly Hills just hit the market for a whopping $42 million. Drool over the images and read the rather funny listing here.

Bonus link: Soundtrack for Living

1. Friday Night Lights star Adrianne Palicki (aka Tyra Collette) has been cast as Wonder Woman in David E. Kelley’s pilot for NBC. We’re excited by the news, but we bet that Lyla Garrity is super jealous. [via THR]

2. Wondered what Antony Hegarty has been up to lately? Glad you asked. He’s writing new songs for “The Life and Death of Marina Abramovic,” a play about the infamous performance artist, who will star in the production alongside Willlem Dafoe at the Salford Quays arts center in the UK. [via Spinner]

3. Yesterday Borders officially filed for bankruptcy. Here’s a map of which stores will be shut down — about 30 percent of all locations. [via Pop Candy]

4. Attention Gleeks: Kurt’s dad might be getting his own spin-off series. According to Vulture, “Mike O’Malley, who’s won raves (and an Emmy nomination) for his nuanced performance as a blue collar dude coming to terms with his son’s identity, has been cast as the lead in Fox’s comedy pilot Family Album.” Hopefully this won’t take him away from Glee all together.

5. Every back issue of Spy Magazine — Kurt Andersen and Graydon Carter’s fabulous satirical monthly that basically introduced the idea of skewering celebrities to American audiences — is now available for your reading pleasure on Google Books.

Bonus link: Get paid $50K to be Ashton Kutcher’s VP of Pop Culture

“BLACK SWAN DIVA FEUD!” screams the National Enquirer headline. All right, we’re listening. According to “sources” and “an insider,” Ms. Portman is livid (LIVID!) at her Black Swan co-star. Why? Because Ms. Kunis is getting “Oscar talk” for her supporting work, though the film was supposed to be Portman’s showcase, and she is therefore (direct quote) “totally upset.” Well, as much fun as it must be to write anything that includes the phrase “diva feud,” we’re calling poppycock on this notion; anyone paying even a modicum of attention to the Oscar prognosticators knows that Portman is a shoo-in for a Best Actress nomination, and probably for the big prize itself. If there is bad blood brewing between the off-screen friends, we’ve got a better theory: it’s because of their competing 2011 sex comedies.

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1. Rachel Weisz and director Darren Aronofsky — one of our favorite Hollywood power couples — are separating after nine years together. She has recently been linked with Daniel Craig, who has way less indie cred. [via Jezebel]
2. Good news: Thanks to great ratings out of the gate, AMC’s new zombie show The Walking Dead has already been renewed for a second season. [via MTV]
3. Robert De Niro and Michelle Pfeiffer are in negotiations to star in New Year’s Eve, New Line’s follow-up to its ensemble romcom, Valentine’s Day. Hilary Swank and Ashton Kutcher are reportedly interested in roles as well.[via THR]
4. Watch Kanye West give an in-flight, a cappella performance of “Gold Digger” to his Delta co-passengers on a flight from Minneapolis to New York. [via Gawker]
5. Ever the philanthropist, Courtney Love bid $17,000 to have tea with Adrien Brody at Paul Haggis’ Artists for Peace and Justice fundraiser for Haitian schools on Friday night. [via NYP]

Bonus link: New Kids On The Block & Backstreet Boys First Ever Interview Together