Warning: Lady Gaga Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

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Whatever happened to the sweet little girl in this picture? Just look at how her top matches those flowers and how innocent everything seems as she lies resting on that couch. Sure, she’s unzipped and revealing a lot of skin, but if it was as hot outside then as it has been lately, we can’t blame her.

These days, however, the lady has been trouble. She has been influencing the public in bad ways. With her Facebook page reaching an unprecedented number of Likes and her world tour underway, we don’t want to sound the alarm — because alarms cause unnecessary panic — but we do want to raise awareness to the potential pitfalls of blindly following this siren of song, this icon of imagination, this beauty of bisexuality.

Click past the jump and take heed of five dangers you might face if you do exactly as Lady Gaga does.

1. Beware: Don’t Wear Lady Gaga Contact Lenses

CBS reports that if you try to emulate Lady Gaga’s anime look in her “Bad Romance” music video, your vision may be in peril. Several well-intentioned followers are apparently purchasing special contact lenses — Circle Lenses — to increase the size of their irises. The American Optometric Association warns that while these lenses do make you look like a sad puppy in need of affection, they might cause serious infection or damage the eye’s ability to function. At worst, users may go blind. The lenses are illegal to buy in the United States, but available to order over the internet.

Watch the video — it features a doctor who knows a lot about cultural issues in Asia. And remember that these newscasters aren’t just old curmudgeons making some lame excuse for you not to have fun; they are serious professionals with genuine concerns for your eyesight. Is looking great so important that it’s worth losing your ability to see?

2. Beware: Don’t Follow Lady Gaga’s Eating Advice

In a New York Magazine article, Lady Gaga declared that “Pop stars should not eat.” It’s true that she never said everyone should stop eating, but the implication is there. And besides, aren’t we all striving to be pop stars in our own wonderful way? This diet suggestion of hers is downright dangerous.

To prove that LG meant what she said, just take a look at her “Telephone” music video. Notice that during the “Let’s make a Sandwich” segment (6:30) Gaga puts poison in the syrup and all over the plates of food. While her and Beyonce sashay around the restaurant, they, as pop stars, never eat anything. (Gaga does bite into a pre-poisoned sandwich, but probably spits it out off camera.) In the end, all those who eat die, and all those who abstain from consuming their daily sustenance dance with indefatigable energy. How does this message in any way benefit the multitudes?

3. Beware: Don’t Wear Lady Gaga Platform Shoes

It’s already been established that Lady Gaga is a fashion-before-function kind of girl, but when you wear a pair of contraptions that separate your feet from the ground to such an egregious degree you are simply taunting the gods of public humiliation. Gaga, seen here in London’s Heathrow airport, is wearing platform shoes that are not recommended for general use. Thankfully she had leather chaps covering her thighs to mitigate the road rash that must have occurred when she hit the ground.

Protect your ankles. You’ll need them when you’re older.

4. Beware: Don’t Imitate Lady Gaga’s Behavior At New York Baseball Games

First of all, on June 10 Lady Gaga went to a Mets game at Citi Field dressed in very little. While there, she spent more time drinking beer with her buddies and giving fans the finger than she did watching baseball. Her antics were so outrageous that officials moved her to Jerry Seinfeld’s empty luxury box in an attempt to both give her some privacy and the public some reprieve. Seinfeld later commented on the unfortunate incident: “This woman’s a jerk. I hate her. I can’t believe they put her in my box that I paid for! You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we’re living in now?”

Then, in a possible attempt to redeem herself, the following week Gaga showed up at a Yankee’s game still dressed in a bra and panties, but this time with a Yankee’s jersey on to demonstrate her love of sport. This good behavior quickly came undone when she forced herself into the Yankee’s clubhouse after the game, where she reportedly flirted with players, drank a lot of whiskey, and fondled her breasts on a number of occasions.

Is it a surprise that the Yankess lost that night? They didn’t even score a single point. The only justice that evening was that they lost to the Mets. It’s almost like the Mets said to their cross-town rivals, “Here, you babysit Gaga now.”

5. Beware: Don’t Wear Lady Gaga Bras That Could Potentially Hurt Someone

Bras are supposed to support, not intimidate. If Lady Gaga was a good role model, she’d keep bullets, flames, and all things violent far away from her undergarments. Don’t fall for this perverted idea that brandishing a weapon is the best way to earn the respect of others. It will just ensure that you are lonely.