1. Little Red Riding Hood Before we even get to this wolf business, can we talk about that shapeless cape? If you look like you have no self-esteem, then you’re just setting yourself up for some predator to come and chew your face off. Literally!
2. Alice, Alice in Wonderland Stop chasing that rabbit, lady! You’re going to have to accept that he’s just not that into you.
3. Wendy Darling, Peter Pan Listen up, Wendy: Peter is not ready for a mature relationship. What he wants is a mom. On many occasions, he has stated his unwillingness to ever grow up. This will not end well.
4. Sarah, Plain and Tall Hey, Sarah! Maybe if you weren’t selling yourself as “plain and tall,” you wouldn’t have had to marry a widower with kids and live on a farm in Wyoming. Get the makeover, then start replying to personal ads.
5. Mallory Pike, The Baby-sitters’ Club Mallory, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but… you are the frumpy friend. Let’s get you a makeover before those your six unique and talented besties, who all have a lot more going for them than you do, drop you like a baby with a smelly diaper.
6. Eloise Eloise, what are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?! Frolicking around The Plaza parent-less, making mischief may seem like a grand old time now, but if you don’t get some proper role models in your life, you’re less than 10 years away from a Paris Hilton-style sex tape scandal. Or an internship at Conde Nast.
7. Sleeping Beauty Sure, he told you that whole sob story about good fairies and bad fairies and sleeping for 100 years when you woke up feeling woozy with his tongue in your mouth. But I bet you don’t remember the last place you put your drink down before you went into that coma, do you?
8. Deenie In the immortal words of one James St. James, “It doesn’t matter what you look like! I mean if you have a hunchback, just throw a little glitter on it, honey, and go dancing.”
9. Cinderella If you can’t tell the guy your name right off the bat, something’s wrong. Also, glass slippers are so tranny. Honey, it is time you visited Louboutin.
10. Bella, Twilight Actually, you stupid bitch, it’s not that tough a decision. Why not go with the guy with the nice pecs whose unborn child isn’t trying to devour you from the inside? Or, hey, here’s a thought: Try dating someone from your own species!