10 Hypotheses for Weeds Season 6 Based on Its Ridiculous Trailer

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Like that horrible ex you keep going back to or the bad job you just can’t quit, Weeds returns August 16th, and for some reason, we will be watching it. Yes, the show jumped the shark seasons ago and then kept vaulting until, at the end of season five, little Shane Botwin conked his mother’s romantic rival on the head with a croquet mallet, killing her. So, what next? The trailer for season six promises plenty of movement but, as usual, not much character development. If you’re as addicted as we are, click through to watch the brand-new clip and follow along as we make outlandish predictions that will inevitably be too tame for whatever the writers of TV’s biggest WTF-fest have up their sleeves.

1. Alexander Gould (Shane Botwin) becomes the teenage bad girl’s answer to Justin Bieber. After all, they kind of look the same. But only one plays the murderous, unhinged offspring of America’s worst mother.

2. Despite how hard it is to get law enforcement in Canada upset about your minor marijuana crimes, Nancy manages to do it.

3. Uncle Andy rechristens himself “Randy Newman” but dons all-white outfit, fronts combo Newman/Andrew W.K. cover band.

4. Nancy will have dirty, degrading sex on a hotel bed — not because she’s wearing a trashy wig and pounds of eye makeup, but because she is Nancy.

5. The Botwins switch from green Starbucks straws to white McDonald’s ones as the result of an exciting new product placement deal.

6. Nancy flirts with lesbianism, to the dismay of lesbians everywhere.

7. Everything is clean and above-board until Nancy puts on the leather jacket. Once that happens, all bets are off.

8. Doug Wilson finally bites the dust after countless seasons of hanging onto a character arc that can only be described as, “Pathetic dude reaches new low.”

9. The boring one (Silas) takes a job as a bellhop, mostly because the silly uniform makes him slightly more interesting.

10. Nancy starts adorable drug dealer-mommy blog, wins international renown for her washing machine hash recipe.