Face it. Scribbling angrily in your journal isn’t enough, and passive-aggressive Facebook status updates can have nasty side effects (plus, your mom is starting to worry). Nope, you’re going to have to kick that dude (or lady) to the curb. Whether the offender is a slimy two-timer or just an unwanted barroom Casanova, the only way to unleash the fury you have towards that certain non-special someone is a healthy dose of aggro in musical form. This way, no one gets hurt, and you’re expanding your sonic horizons at the same time. Everyone wins! Except for the jerk who treated you badly. Have fun with that karma, pal, and leave us your favorite kiss-off anthem in the comments.
Ke$ha – “Dinosaur”
You can learn a lot about Ke$ha’s taste in one-night stands by listening to her songs. If you look like Mick Jagger, you’re all set, but if you’re simply Mick Jagger’s age and more closely resemble Keith Richards? Psh, you’re just an old man, and you need a CAT scan.
The Pantless Knights – “Puke in My Mouth”
A response to the Lonely Island’s “Jizz in My Pants” (a gold record in Australia… no, seriously), comedy troupe Pantless Knights offer a convenient solution to dance club weirdos: puke in your mouth! Their resulting disgust combined with the sight of your fake wedding ring will get ’em gone quickly. “You’ve ruined my night, esophagus hurts / Take a hint, I’m not here to flirt.” Oh, and creepers? Stay out of yoga class.
April March – “Chick Habit”
If it worked for the scorned ladies of Death Proof, it can work for the everygirl. This blistering little number is a swift reminder that girls aren’t for quick fixes… and that bubble, she’s gonna burst.
TLC – “No Scrubs”
In the early days of Facebook, we recall a certain group gaining many followers in a matter of days. It was called, “Hollering Out of Your Car Will Not Make Me Want to Have Sex with You.” Before women could band together against creepers via social networking, TLC gave us the ultimate anti-gross dude anthem: “No Scrubs.” Get a job, loser!
Salt-n-Pepa – “None of Your Business”
“None of Your Business” is just a classic, full of brilliant quips, from “Opinions are like assholes, and everybody’s got one” to the kicker, “The moral of this story is, who are you to judge? There’s only one true judge and that’s God. So chill, and let my father do his job.” The song is both a feminist anthem and the best way we can imagine to tell busybodies, exes and suitors who won’t butt out, and jerky real-life concern trolls to step off.
Ugly Kid Joe, “Everything About You”
This early ’90s gem might be more about guy on guy hatred, but the lyrics go straight for the jugular — it will get your message across.
En Vogue – “Never Gonna Get It”
Sometimes it’s best to get to the point. If you do wrong by a girl, chances are she’s not going to jump in the sack with you anytime soon, or, hey, maybe ever again. And in case the message of this song isn’t clear, there’s a breakdown about three minutes in. (Hint: Never gonna get it.)
Ray Charles – “Hit the Road, Jack”
Again, the direct hit proves extremely effective when timed right. Your woman’s mean to you? Tell that girl to hit the road, and she’d better not come back, because you’ll be much better off without her. A sassy backup chorus doesn’t hurt, either.
Beyoncé – “Irreplaceable”
Woe be to the cheaters, especially those who get too comfy. Mess with Beyoncé, and you’ll find your stuff in a box to the left as she reminds you that she could have “another you in a minute.” Oh, and learn how to multitask: “And keep talkin’ that mess, that’s fine / But could you walk and talk at the same time?”
Lily Allen – “Knock ‘Em Out”
Feeling lazy? Lily Allen gives you a barrel of lame excuses to use during your next unwanted bout of attention, including “No, you can’t have my number, ’cause I lost my phone!”; “I’ve got to go, my house is on fire”; and “I’ve got herpes! No, syphilis… no! AIDS, AIDS, AIDS…” Remember, these should be reserved for Stage 5 Clingers only.