When we read this funny post on Gawker about ways for singletons to get through Valentine’s Day without offing themselves, we laughed out loud. And then we realized that it was our duty to present you, lovely (possibly single) readers, with a list of to-dos that will make your Saturday night not suck. Or at least make it more interesting. So we polled Flavorpill’s intrepid (possibly single) staffers for their best suggestions, the 10 best which we present to you after the jump, sealed with a big, sloppy kiss. Because you deserve it. (We’re like your mom — we have to tell you that you’re cute and lovable.)
10. Go see Wendy and Lucy. Be jealous of Michelle’s character, because at least she has a dog to talk to.
9. Attend a “Shred Chris Brown” event. Make their very public pain your own, and then be glad that you’re not either one of them.
8. Get stoned, eat a box of chocolates, watch Love Story and cry. Repeat, substituting Romeo and Juliet (the Leo one). Repeat, substituting An Affair to Remember. Repeat, substituting Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. Feeling good yet?
7. Begin pre-production work on a documentary about your ex and how hard it was to live in his/her world. Be shocked when said ex doesn’t like the film.
6. Pick up a 99 cent copy of The Rules outside of The Strand and a bottle of scotch. Each time the authors say something that offends your modern-day sensibilities take a swig. When you’re done with the book (or the bottle… whichever happens first), go to the nearest bar, waltz up to the first attractive person you see, and tell them something about yourself. Make a date for the following evening. You are not a mysterious creature.
5. Put on something slinky and go sit in a museum — there are always tons of Missed Connections happening there. Most spots will close early in evening because it’s a Saturday, but don’t let that dissuade you from donning something sequined and/or spandex. It will help you stand out in the crowd.
4. Sit at a table with 11 strangers and eat a bunch of animal hearts. No, seriously.
2. Get a ticket to see Hedda Gabler. While the reviews haven’t been great, they all talk about how hot hot hot Mary-Louise Parker is. It’s like highbrow porn that you can also use to impress people at cocktail parties. Plus Hedda hates marriage.
1. Check out the Web site for SPURMO. Especially the “Spurmos of Note” section, which includes Jesus. Realize that you are not alone, ask yourself WWJD, order a heart-shaped pizza, and eat until you slip into a food coma.