Let’s face it: American Idol effed up. After refusing to play ball with Paula Abdul, they snapped up Ellen DeGeneres. We love Ellen, but it was not the right venue for her. She didn’t know what she was talking about, and the jokes just fell flat. So we’re totally with her on the decision to cut her losses after a single season. And now, we think it’s time to admit something to ourselves. It was a mistake to think that bringing in a normal, balanced human being would improve the show. What we need is crazy. That is why, in our attempt to help the Idol producers replace Ellen, our mission is clear. Here are 10 potential judges who achieve or surpass Paula’s level of crazy. We hope you pick one of them.
Ozzy Osbourne What Ozzy and Paula have in common: They are possibly more profound when you can’t understand what they’re saying than when you can. This is essential in an Idol judge.
Whitney Houston Unfortunately, Whitney did not always find crack to be whack. As a result, she had some pretty horrifying moments in public, on TV. And then she kind of had a comeback. But her voice is kinda shot. So we’d kind of prefer to see her say crazy things on prime-time TV.
Kanye West Maybe if we let Kanye express his opinions on the best performances “of all time” in an appropriate setting, he’ll be able to control his random outbursts in the future.
Courtney Love We love C-Love, so this isn’t a dig. We’re pretty sure she’s aware of her imbalance. And considering she’s always embroiled in Twitter beefs with young upstarts like Lily Allen and Taylor Momsen, we imagine she’ll have plenty to say about young talent.
Nathan Williams of Wavves Williams can totally empathize with new artists freaking out after they’ve been thrust into the spotlight. As long as he doesn’t give in to another drug-fueled meltdown, he’ll make a fine role model.
Cyndi Lauper We know what you’re thinking. Cyndi is adorable and quirky, but is she actually kookoo bananas? To watch the Celebrity Apprentice clip from The Soup below is to never have to ask that question again.
R. Kelly We would actually like to see what happens when the mind that brought us Trapped in the Closet attempts to judge others.
Amy Winehouse Showing up on AI is just another way Winehouse can kill time when she’s supposed to be working on her new album.
Mel Gibson Say what you will about Mel — he’s got strong views and isn’t afraid to express them. (In case you live under a rock, the rant below is NSFW.)
Andy Dick Kind of an all-purpose, last-resort type crazy. At this point, you probably wouldn’t have to pay him much.