The Loneliness of Randy Jackson


When American Idol began what seems like forever ago now there were just three judges; Simon, Paula, and Randy. Now, as Season 10 looms in the not so distant future, only Randy Jackson remains, left all alone in what we can only imagine is existential despair. Below we have an exclusive poem that Randy wrote about the fleeting qualities of friendship and the uncertainty of a happy future entitled “A Dawg Who Has Lost His Bark.” We hope you enjoy it.

“A Dawg Who Has Lost His Bark”

I thought we’d be together forever,

As you stuck your finger in her mouth,

During that photo shoot, like it was a warm pie or something.

I felt at home, like you were my new family.

Together we would laugh and laugh,

Behind Seacrest’s back.

Drinking refreshing Coca-Cola that seemed to be poured in our glasses from an endless stream.

Not worrying about the calories because we were having such blissful fun.

We would have our ups and downs,

But we’d get through it, together.

I’d say, “Don’t worry Paula-Dawg. Everything will be alright.”

I was supposed to be the voice of reason.

But apparently it couldn’t last forever…

The viewers started feeling like we weren’t enough,

They needed “change,”

When all I wanted was for everything to stay the same forever.

Eventually you left us,

For a reality show or drugs,

Not really sure to be honest,

We had grown so far apart by this time.

I’m pretty sure you came in,

And tried to replace what we had,

I think people hated you.

But I was pretty sad and out of it at the time.

Eventually you became the new girl,

And I trusted you with my heart,

Because I’ve always loved your “Shoop” dance,

Because sometimes you have to believe in something.

But then you left!

It was through to the next round but all alone.

And my heart was ripped into two pieces,

And hearts don’t work when they are like that.

Now I just feel like a lifeless zombie,

Like if Michael Jackson rose up out of the grave,

That would be pretty thrilling,

Unlike my lonely life of existential despair.

I feel like I have learned a lot over the last few years,

Like how friendships can never last,

As death will always tear you from those you love in the end,

And how dawgs just return to dust.

I’m just a lone dawg trapped in a dog pack of one,

Just like that wolf guy from that movie I watched last summer, alone,

I just wanted to be a family of Simon-Dawg and Paula-Dawg and of course, Randy-Dawg,

But now I’m just a dawg who has lost his bark…

– Not really Randy Jackson