More Bloodbaths at Crystal Lake and Mall Cops, Please.

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After reading about the latest Clive Owen dud, we wondered what happened to the hunky, talented Brit — our favorite thing about Closer. As this post on EW.com points out, The International had everything in place for box office magic: A thriller about an evil finance corporation that “couldn’t be more topical if it included a subplot about octuplets and a pot-smoking Olympic swimmer,” direction from Run Lola Run‘s Tom Tykwer, and, well, its leading man.

Yet, first week numbers earned it a number seven position. Translation: it fared even worse than Confessions of a Shopaholic. After the jump, we explore why moviegoers would rather spend their cash on flicks about chubby mall cops than evil financial institutions; here’s hoping for a Clive Owen shared comeback with Julia Roberts.

Clive Owen just isn’t a bankable star. Let’s face it, despite the easy on the eyes looks and impressive acting chops, Owen ain’t no Brangelina. Remember 2007’s Shoot ‘Em Up? Owen starred alongside Academy Award-winning Paul Giamatti. We don’t either. It earned less than six million in its opening week, and came in at number four. That same year there was also Elizabeth: The Golden Age, which made a total of $16.4 million in the US. That’s not good. On the flip side, 2006’s Children of Men did pretty well, but it starred Julianne Moore at the peak of her popularity and was on countless top 10 lists.

Whether the film is anti-banker or anti-Sarah Palin, we’re over it. We want escapism. The proof is in the numbers. Paul Blart: Mall Cop is in its fifth week of release, and remains in the top 10. Friday the 87th, we mean, Friday the 13th, comes in this week at number uno, with over 40 freakin’ million. And, the highest grossing films of 2008 include the Dark Knight, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and Kung Fu Panda. You can’t get any more anti-realism than an ass-kicking, talking panda. We say no more.

The trailer could put you to sleep. See for yourself. Have your choice of caffeinated beverage in close proximity. Or crawl under your desk and pull a Costanza. It’s your choice.