Oh, Freida Pinto. When we first saw you in Slumdog Millionaire you were so beautiful that it almost made us like girls. You seemed sweet and vulnerable, especially with that cut on your cheek. So we’re only saying this with only your best interests at heart: You need to stay away from Woody Allen.
Yes, we know that Penelope Cruz just took home an Oscar for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, but Woody’s a mixed bag these days. And we’re not sure that you’ve got her moxie — beneath that vintage Balmain gown lurked an actress who would have cut a bitch if Nate Silver’s wack-a-doodle Best Supporting Actress prediction had been right. We feel like you’re the more sensitive type, who would have looked away from the camera while quietly shedding a perfectly-formed tear.
Think about it. Woody’s ingenues don’t always fair well (think Christina Ricci, Anything Else) and you’re certainly no ScarJo; she could slaughter you like a Tom Waits song. It’s not like you can expect any backup from your co-star, Naomi Watts. You’re almost twenty years younger than her. That’s like a century in Hollywood years. She’ll probably look at you like that little girl who crawled out of the well in The Ring.
Look, we get it Freida. Annie Hall is one of our top five favorite movies of all time. Nothing tickles us more than a good Woody Allen piece in The New Yorker. And for a certain kind of actress (we’re looking at you, Keaton), he’s the kind of director who can launch a career. We’re just not sure this untitled project should be your follow up to Slumdog is all.
Couldn’t you have started out with something easier? Like a Judd Apatow movie?
And while we’re doling out advice, you shouldn’t date Dev Patel. He’s too young for you. And you’re sort of married-ish, right?