The Bachelor Finale: “I don’t get what ABC producers want me to feel.”

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For the past few weeks, Monday night is when we spontaneously morph into an obese 37-year-old single woman living in suburban Minneapolis with five cats. We pop a Lean Cuisine into the microwave, pour a tall glass of Crystal Light lemonade, and tune into The Bachelor. We hadn’t really paid attention to the show since plucky Miami Heat dancer Trista Rehn chose good-guy firefighter Ryan Sutter to be her lawfully wedded meal-ticket on The Bachelorette. But then we met Jason Mesnick.

This season, single dad Mesnick (dumped by manish Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas on season 4 of The Bachelorette) will choose between Dallas’ sickly sweet Melissa Rycroft (who we’re secretly rooting for) and Grand Rapids, Michigan’s hometown honey Molly Malaney. What we’re really curious about is the mysterious one-hour After the Final Rose special, which promises to reveal a huge twist.

Read our play by play after the jump.

8:00: I’m so excited that man-woman DeAnna is coming back to tell Jason she made a mistake and wants him back. I hope Jason tells her to suck it.

8:02: Episode opens with a scene of Jason running on the beach in New Zealand toward his son Ty (who he’s reuniting with J for the finale). When J asks Ty if he can have a kiss, I shudder.

8:04: J admits Melissa has the edge — she’s the only girl that met Ty earlier in the season. Love her! The three of them are going golfing and the course does not look like putt-putt. Poor Ty!

8:05: Jason says, “Can we see who gets it in the hole first?” Yeah, that’d be you a few episodes back on the one-on-one dates, J.

8:06: Jason goes to get a surprise for Mel and Ty, leaving them alone to bond. Mel tells Ty a dumb knock-knock joke to win him over. Poor kid. First, he has to meet these two whores trying to get their claws in his dad. Then, he has to pretend he likes their stupid jokes too!

8:09: ARE YOU KIDDING?! Jason walks back with a lamb for them to pet. So weird and lame! Kinda looks familiar though. I think it’s Lambchop. YES, I see Shari Lewis sunbathing nude near the 18th hole.

8:11: J puts Ty down.

8:12: For a nap, people. A nap!!!!

8:13: Mel is meeting J’s fam. They seem surprisingly normal.

8:14: Uh-oh, interrogation time. (PS: J didn’t get to meet Mel’s parents because they were uncomfortable appearing on the show.)

8:15: J’s mom is seems weirded out that J hasn’t met Mel’s parents. Really? I think the fact that they don’t want to be on this queer show makes them the sanest people involved (or, not involved).

8:17: Now it’s the bros turn to grill Mel. Qs are totally lame.

8:18: Ty wakes up from nap — wants to see Mel. He’s gonna clinch it for her, I can tell.

8:19: Ew, dad tells J that he and Ty have a “magical chemistry.” It must run in the family.

8:21: Sister-in-law of J is a little scary looking and bird-like.

8:26: Molly is up next. Let’s see how she does.

8:27: There’s evil behind her smile. Don’t fall for it J.

8:29: Molly, “When you talk about Ty, this light comes across your face.” Gross.

8:30: YES, Ty totally disses Molly. Ha! He won’t give her a high-five or throw the Frisbee to her! LOVE THIS.

8:31: She’s totally awkward with kids. Listen up, J: Choose Molly and DSS will be at your house weekly! I’m serious.

8:32: Molly says that it’s really fun to be able to think about her life with J and Ty. What about bed-wetting? Or temper tantrums? Doesn’t sound so fun now, does it Molly?

8:36: Molly is getting ready to meet the fam. Apparently, Ty is napping again? Sounds fishy.

8:37: Sister-in-law bird isn’t crazy about Molly. I can tell.

8:38: Mom looks doubtful too.

8:39: J’s brother, “We don’t want to see him get hurt again. He’s been hurt, and hurt, and hurt, again and again.” This hurts.

8:40: OK, fam is the by the pool and J is pouring water down Ty’s back. So creepy. It’s like Poppy Dearest.

8:41: Molly talking to J’s mom: Looks like she’s reading from prompt cards. I really don’t like her.

8:43: Fam’s advice to J: “If the woman you love can’t handle the life you would provide, then it’s neither of them this time.” J gets a hilariously horrified look on his face. “Wouldn’t that be horrible?” Um, yeah. Horribly awesome!

8:44: J is now having a Terms of Endearment moment with his Mom complete with an orchestral crescendo. I hate myself for loving this show.

8:45: My boyfriend is watching the show next to me on the couch and is getting really mad that it’s on. I think we might break up because of The Bachelor.

8:50: Side note: Better Off Ted looks so good. I love Portia DeGeneres.

8:51: We’re back and it’s the day of Mel’s last date with J. She’s calling her rents to see if they’ll talk to J over the phone.

8:53: Mel’s parents say they will. Go Mel!!!

8:54: Last date is on a boat. J looks kinda cute with his backwards cap. His girlish laugh kills it.

8:55: He’s got a rockin’ bod though.

8:56: Yes!!!! Bachelor porn: They’re hosing each other down after a dip in the water! (PS: Boyfriend is getting increasingly agitated.)

8:57: Mel drops the bomb that her rents want to talk to J. He’s down with it.

8:59: Steamy massage scene with Molly coming up!

9:03: J is on Jimmy Kimmel tonight? Poor J: Jimmy is going to rip him to shreds.

9:05: Molly is trying to sex up J back at her New Zealand love pad.

9:07: Now, Molly is cooking dinner for J. His response, “Is that chicken?” Seriously, that’s what he said. Not a good sign Molly. Not a good sign.

9:08: Molly announces she wants to give J “all of her.” Cries a few crocodile tears.

9:09: Gross. Molly presents J with a homemade fairy scrapbook highlighting their “journey of love together.” Dedicated to J, “The love of her life.” Twenty bucks she lives to regret the hell out of this!

9:11: Molly to Jason: “I love you.” Jason’s response, “You know I’m falling for you.” Ouch.

9:16: J is calling Mel’s fam now. So awk.

9:18: Uh-oh. DeAnna is pulling up. She’s totally wearing a Liz Claiborne special.

9:19: DeAnna, “I’m more comfortable with Jason than with any other man.” You dumped him, biatch!

9:20: DeAnna, “If I had chosen you, it would have worked. If I was to go back and really follow what I wanted, I would have made a different decision.”

9:21: J tells DeAnna to eat it.

9:22: That whole encounter was so anti-climactic.

9:23: Teaser: “Jason is in love with two women.” Wouldn’t it be awesome if our man J did it Big Love-style and asked both of them to marry him?

9:27: J and Ty are spending the day together. Montage of clips with the two of them hanging out. Snore.

9:29: Morning of final rose ceremony. Mel is eating a fruit place whole Molly hits up the lumberjack special. Need we say more?

9:30: Weird Ann Coulter lookalike from Neil Lane shows up at J’s house to show him rings. J picks one. Rectangular cut with a platinum setting. Pretty.

9:32: “I’ve made my decision, I know what I’m going to do,” says J. Anticipatory drum beats are heard in the background.

9:33: J: “Today is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. How could I feel so bad?” Ah, yes. The Bachelor conundrum.

9:35: Final rose fashion alert: Molly is in a purple spaghetti strap gown with beading at the bodice. Our girl Mel is in a gold/peach Grecian-style number.

9:40: We’re back and first limo pulls up: Who will it be? And, it’s Molly! YES!! She’s oooooouuuuuuut!

9:41: “Just thinking about Jason makes me smile and give me butterflies,” says Molly. She’s gonna hate herself when she watches this.

9:42: J looks like he’s going to puke.

9:43: She knows it’s coming….

9:44: She’s gonna deck him. That would be suh-weet! “I think you’ve made a mistake. A big one,” says Molly. J’s response, “I’ll walk you out.”

9:45: She is PIIIISSSED.

9:46: Limo-Cam: The tears have started! J is crying too. Very dramatic. He leans over the balcony and everything.

9:47: Limo-Cam 2: Molly just keeps nodding and saying he made a big mistake. She’s saying it in a kinda mafia way.

9:48: Adds, “I just think he made a huge mistake. And he’s gonna learn it the hard way.” Dude, J is going to wake up with a horse head is his bed tomorrow.

9:55: Yes, final rose is up next.

9:57: Mel is out of the limo. Gives lame host Chris an unsure smile. We’re with you, girl!

9:58: J tells Mel he’s completely in love with her. She jumps up and down. He gets down on one knee. J PROPOSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:00: Gives Mel the final rose!

10:01: So happy for my girl Mel. But really scared for the dramatic after the rose ceremony coming up next!

10:01: Ty runs out to J — Mel awkwardly intercepts him. They all jump in the pool together. Very weird.

10:02: OK, onto the AFTER THE ROSE special. Its been six weeks since the proposal. Chris is standing in a vacant studio. I’m SO nervous for Mel.

10:03: Chris opens with, “What you are about to witness is so emotionally difficult, we decided out of respect for all parties involved to keep the taping of this show as intimate as possible.” Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

10:03: J comes out alone first. J: “It’s been a crazy time.” He is CRYING. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

10:04: J: “Since this all ended, things have been different.” Announces he and Mel aren’t right for each other. Admits they spent some time together after the final rose and since then the chemistry has been completely different.

10:05: Basically J says he can’t stop thinking about Molly! Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

10:06: J: “I’m still in love with Molly.” Admits he hasn’t talked to Molly since final rose.

10:07: OK, so J is going to talk to Mel first and end the relationship. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

10:09: J plans on telling Molly he still loves her. Basically, he’s pulling a DeAnna. What a fool. I hope Molly denies him!

10:13: And, we’re back. J looks totally scared. He’s about to break up with Mel.

10:14: Mel comes out. Looks really somber, but fabulous in a strapless black cocktail dress. It’s got some metallic sheen to it too!

10:15: Mel starts crying. Screams at J, “I thought things were perfect.” I really hate J now.

10:16: “Something happened and you have yet to be honest about it except to say I’m sorry,” says Mel. This is so bad.

10:17: J tells Mel he still has feelings for Molly. Mel is going to flip her sh*t.

10:18: Mel: “You don’t want to fight for this.” Holy crap, there’s gonna be a brawl. Mel calls him a bastard. This is a Bachelor throw-down people!

10:19: Mel says, “I regret this. Why did you put a ring on my finger?”

10:20: Mel: “I wish on that last day you would have just let me go instead of doing this to me.” J looks like such a douche right now! Mel gives J the ring back. I cannot believe I’m watching this unfold. This is sick. And not in a good way either. I wonder what Molly will do.

10:23: Chris awkwardly clarifies: “So, you are going to break it off with Melissa to pursue an opportunity with Molly.”

10:24: Chris leaves so J and Mel can say goodbye. Mel: “You should know better than to do something like this. Good luck in the future. Good luck with Molly. Don’t call me or text me. Leave me alone please.” Storms off without a hug or anything.

10:25: Mel Limo-Cam: Says J threw her heart away and didn’t want to fight for their relationship or try. I predict Mel will be the next Bachelorette. If so, be prepared to read all about it here!

10:27: Mel, “In the four relationships I’ve had, I’ve always ended up on this side of things.” I feel sooooo bad for her right now.

10:29: Here’s my question: If J proposes to Molly and she says yes, are we supposed to be happy for him? I don’t get what ABC producers want me to feel? Why can’t they just tell me what to feel with their clever editing?

10:34: We’re back. J has left the studio!! Where is he? Maybe Molly is coming out first.

10:35: Yup, Molly is out first. Says she’s nervous to see J. Chris is totally setting her up with a Molly retrospective from the past season.

10:36: There’s a Molly Cam in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen during the retro. She looks so uncomfortable.

10:37: Ooooh, apparently during the final rose Molly said she thought Mel would wake up one day and realize her life with J isn’t what she wanted. They totally edited that out first time around.

10:38: Molly is tearing up. “The week after I left was the worst week of my life. I was crying all the time and I didn’t know how to deal with heartbreak because I had never felt before.”

10:39: Chris asks if there are still feelings there. Molly basically says that she still gets weak in the knees when she watches TV and sees J.

10:40: Totally setting her up. Chris: “I can see in your eyes that you really still care for him.” I get it now: We’re supposed to feel happy for Molly! Thanks Bach producers!

10:41: Chris: “Do you ever wonder if he changed his mind.” Molly: “All I’ve wanted this whole time is for him to walk up to my door and tell me he wants me back.” HOOOOOLLLY crap.

10:45: J comes out to join Molly. They hug, J gives Chris a really weird look behind Molly’s back.

10:46: Basically, Molly asks J how he could sex her up and then pick someone else.

10:47: J has a weird smirk like he thinks he’s got this in the bag.

10:48: J tells Molly that he ended things with Mel because he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her. Molly looks totally pissed/confused.

10:49: Definitely more pissed than confused. J asks Molly out for COFFEE!!!???!!!?? Are you kidding me with this?

10:50: Molly is laughing. I guess I’d be too. This is nuts.

10:53: Chris says this is an historic night. I’ll say. Ranks right up there with BAM’s inauguration.

10:54: Molly says she’s confused and that they still have a lot to talk about but her feelings never went away. Says she wants to see where things go. I would’ve decked him. DECKED him.

10:56: Shut up. They’re kissing. Again, this is sick. SO sick.

10:57: Ew, they are kissing again. OK, I’m totally done with this show. Done. Until Mel is The Bachelorette, that is.