Last night in Idol-land, the remaining semi-finalists croaked out their final pleas to make it to the top 12. Of the three weeks of semi-final competition, this episode was the most exciting: The choices were better, the singers were stronger, and Paula was still tweaking on coke. But, onto the big news: Our girl Lil Rounds killed it! As we mentioned in our last post, we predict she’s going to go all the way. Move over Fantasia. There’s a new Lifetime original movie in the making and it’s called A-Rounds the World in Eighty Days.
Before we get to all the juicy details, we’d like to address pock-marked Adam Lambert’s recent interview with MTV.com. In it, he says, “I mean, I don’t listen to show tunes in my spare time, I can assure you.” Well Adam, we can assure you that you’re a big fat liar. We’d bet $20 you have a mint-condition LP version of Can Can in your sock drawer. You try to keep that Merman-esque vibrato out of your voice, but we’re on to you.
More on last night’s show after the jump.
7:59: OMG, have you seen the McDonald’s commercial with the fish singing to the synthesized drum beat? “Give me back that filet-o-fish. Give me that fish.” Brilliant.
8:00: Ry-Guy begins by saying that our contestants said good-bye to their families and put their jobs on hold to compete. Um, I think Papa John’s can find someone else to put the mushrooms on the delivery orders.
8:02: Yay, Lil Rounds is on tonight. Can’t wait!!!! LOVE HER!!!!!!!
8:03: Von Smith is up first. He reminds us of the kind of kid that would have starred in Disney’s The Newsies or on Nickelodeon’s Today’s Special. Simon called his performance “indulgent nonsense” during Hollywood week. Let’s see if he can redeem himself tonight.
8:04: Singing a Marvin Gaye song. Terrible beginning. When he sings, he looks like he just ate some clams.
8:06: Randy likes it. Calls it a “very hot performance.” The last time I heard that, it was shouted drunkenly at an exotic dancer.
8:07: What are the judges thinking? This was not a great performance.
8:09: Simon says: “You remind me of Clay Aiken.” Just what we need, another creepy 20-something soliciting sex with young boys on Manhunt and making babies with his hag.
8:12: Up next: Taylor Vaifanua from Hurricane, Utah. Seriously. That’s where she’s from. She basically a chunky version of the lead singer of the Pussy Cat Dolls.
8:13: Singing “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys. Mediocre at best, but the big finish is coming so we’ll see.
8:15: Bad, bad, bad. Sounds like a wedding singer.
8:16: Kara wants to see more of her personality. Newsflash to clueless new judge: These people have NO personality.
8:17: Simon calls her very generic and says she’s going to struggle tonight. Mr. Vaifanua looks like he wants to jump out his seat and kick some British tail.
8:19: Nerd alert: Dork supreme Alex Wagana-something is up next.
8:23: Alex admits he’s been reading what people have been saying about him on that gosh-darn Internet thing, so he’s been going to the gym to beef up. His routine: few reps at a low weight. So tragic there’s really no need for me to make fun.
8:24: Singing “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues” by Sir Elton John. It’s actually pretty good.
8:25: Again, spoke too soon. Keeps doing these weird growls.
8:26: His mom is kind of a MILF though.
8:27: Paula says, “You gave us our money’s worth but I’m not sure how much money will be spent.” OK, that makes no sense. What is she on?
8:28: Simon calls his performance a bit stupid. Randy says it’s crazy in a buckwild sort of way. Again, with the stripper chants.
8:30: Ry-Guy pretends to be a real man by knocking over the microphone stand. He’s like live action Charlie Brown.
8:34: Arianna Afsar is up next and Ry-Guy says she’ll sing the first Abba song ever on Idol? Really, with all the queens that have strutted across that stage?
8:35: Singing “The Winner Takes It All”. I don’t know this one. No, I haven’t seen Mamma Mia yet. [Editor’s note: We were willing to let that strange MILF comment slide, but now we’re officially revoking your gay license.]
8:36: She’s OK. Not bad belting at the end, but she’s batting zero in the soul department.
8:37: Simon says there’s irony in the lyric “the winner takes it all” because her performance was so bad. Zing.
8:38: Kara tells her to be young and “touch people.” Calm down, Kara.
8:39: Paula says it would have been better if she had stuck to the melody because it’s a “song full of melody.” WTF? Aren’t all pop songs based on melody? Lay off the chronic Paula.
8:44: Ju’not Joyner is next. I kid Ju’not. Decent singer. Totally used his cute son to win the judges over during the auditions though.
8:45: Singing a soulful version of “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White Ts.
8:46: Totally blah at the begining, but once he gets to the chorus he picks it up. I’m digging it now.
8:47: Got SO much better at the end. Fave performance of the evening, so far.
8:48: Randy loved it dawg. Kara says it was very smooth. Gets all gangsta on him and adds, “I know you got ridiculous pipes.”
8:49: Simon said it was better than he thought it was going to be. Man, he’s tough to impress.
8:50: Ju’not reveals he had a cortisone shot backstage! Judges get a concerned whoops-the-cat’s-out-of-the-bag look on their faces. I knew AI producers were drugging the contestants!!! People just don’t lose so graciously in real life. At least I don’t.
8:55: Annoying Kristin McNamara and Nathaniel Marshall are up next. They had a total catfight during Hollywood Week. I hate both of them.
8:56: Kristin is singing “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman. Arrangement is really bad. She sort of sounds like a karaoke host. Oh wait, that’s what she was before she got here.
8:58: This is really bad.
9:00: Kara wants to see more of a rock edge in Kristin. Paula said she had great vocals and a good range. Simon says it looks like her mom dressed her to go to a pageant. (PS: She’s had some serious fashion issues the past few weeks.)
9:01: Kristin says she was always the girl wearing the stretch pants with the wrong shirt and a bow on her head. That’s something you take to your grave, sweetness.
9:02: Nathaniel Marshall is up next. Him in a nutshell: Sad emo gay who lives with his grandmother. Singing “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” by the ‘Loaf. [Editor’s note: We once knew a girl who knew his daughter, and he actually prefers to go by “Meat” if you’re gonna shorten it.]
9:04: I would do anything to blow a hole through my TV right now.
9:05: Simon says that some people will like his performance but that the majority will say it’s excruciating. Nate’s G-ma is ready to kill.
9:06: Randy asks Nate if the song was a favorite of his. Nate’s reply: “I used to dance around to it with my mother.” Now we know folks. Now, we know.
9:09: Paula says it was the “Boy George version of the song.” Meatloaf and Boy George, huh? What would that kid look like?
9:14: Felicia Barton is up next: Stay-at-home mom from Virginia Beach who was called by judges to come back and perform (we’re not sure why, probably to fill in for someone who dropped out). Singing “No One” by Alicia Keys. The ladies are down with Ms. Keys tonight.
9:16: Poor thing can’t really hit the high notes. Too bad, because the rest isn’t so bad. I’m dying for a diva tonight. Thank God Lil Rounds is up soon!
9:18: Paula says her “gift is unbelievable.” Simon thought the first part was better than the second half.
9:18: Randy thought it was hot, baby. Throws a dollar bill at the stage.
9:20: Scott MacIntyre is next. He’s blind so we can’t make fun of him. [Editor’s note: We checked The Official Book of Blogging Guidelines, and you are correct sir. Unless he’s the governor of New York, making fun of blinds on TV is off-limits and strictly frowned upon.]
9:21: Singing “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Hornsby. He’s very Josh Groban-like.
9:22: Performance is weird. Not great. But again, I can’t be as mean as I’d like.
9:23: Randy says not a perfect vocal, but the parts that were great were really great. Yeah, right. Suck it Randy.
9:24: Kara says, “You move mountains when you step on that stage.” Ewwwww.
9:25: Simon says he wasn’t crazy about the song and the lyrics but “In a sea of forgettable people, you’re the only one I’ll remember.” Because he’s blind??? I thought at least Simon would be honest here.
9:31: We’re back and Ry-Guy and Randy have switched jobs. It’s like ebony and ivory tonight.
9:32: Kendall Beard is next. She’s doing “This One’s For The Girls” by Martina McBride.
9:33: Kendall: “When I made it through to the top 36 my dad did his alligator dance, so I hope I make it through so he’ll do it again.” Alligator dance?
9:35: Kara says she had some issues with the notes. Aww, see ya later, Gator.
9:36: Simon says: “Halfway through, I couldn’t wait for it to be over.”
9:41: Jorge Nunez for Puerto Rico is up next. “Singing Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” by Elton.
9:42: Kinda looks like that cop from C.H.I.P.S. Not a bad performance though.
9:44: Paula is on her feet. She says, “You worked with a dialect coach and you can’t even tell, you can’t even tell.” Tell what Paula. Tell WHAT? Where is Puerto Rican Al Sharpton when you need him?
9:46: Kara: “You have the gift of touching people with your voice.” What is with her and the touching tonight?
9:47: Ry-guy says “To vote for Jorge text five, seven, uno, uno.” Again, no comment necessary here.
9:50: OK, Our girl Rounds is up now and she’s gonna have to hit it out of the park. I feel like there are going to be a few contestants getting by on the sympathy vote tonight. Ahem, Scoot and Jorge.
9:51: Singing Mary J’s “Be Without You”. Let’s go Rounds!
9:52: She is AMAZING. Paula is dancing again! LOVES IT!
9:54: Simon: “Lil, I’m going to keep this very brief: brilliant. My favorite performance of the evening. I think you have great, great prospects in this competition.” We do too, Simon.
9:55: Kara: “Lil, you were a powerhouse the first day we met you and you are still a powerhouse.” Paula says, “I have a sneaking suspicion we’re going to see you for many more lil rounds.” Oh, Paula. Don’t attempt cute puns. That’s my job.
9:59: I have never voted for anyone on this show, but I am voting for my girl Rounds tonight! She’s going all the WAY!
10:00: OK, my predictions on who will advance to the top 12: Scott, Jorge, and my girl Rounds (although I really think Ju’not should be up there too).