AI Recapped: “Just because you can score smack on the street doesn’t mean we’re back in Hollywood Week Paula!”

By
Share:

Similar to the most recent AIG bailout or the news that Rod Blagojevich scored a six-figure book deal, last night’s Idol was all about second chances that made us want to hurl our guts out. That’s right, the judges announced their selections for tomorrow night’s round of Wild Card competition and it weren’t pretty. The losers over at Vote For The Worst are happy they have Tatiana “Selena-on-horse tranquilizers” Del Toro back, but we’re unimpressed. We think she’s the most unpleasant sensation to come out of Puerto Rico since travelers’ diarrhea.

The other big news from last night: We’re three contestants closer to the top 12 (when the competition really begins). In case you didn’t tune in Tuesday night, the performances were a mixed bag: Rounds rocked out, Ju’not gave us some smooth, soulful sounds, and Nathaniel showed us facial piercings don’t necessarily mean you can pull off skinny jeans. Who made it through? We won’t give away too much right off the bat. Suffice it to say, our AI crystal ball is on fire. The saga continues after the jump.

7:58: Hilariously awesome McDonald’s filet-o-fish is on again. Seriously, you have to Google this one.

8:00: I never noticed before, but the AI opening kind of resembles bad computer-generated gaming graphics. I guess they haven’t updated it since 2002 when the show debuted. It’s like choral competition version of the Sims.

8:01: So, tonight we find out who is coming back to be a shot at the Wild Card. YES!!!

8:02: Ry-Guy asks P how she thinks this final group of 12 is shaping up. Paula: “I think we have an amazing start to the top 12 going on.” Again, unintelligible. Just because you can score smack on the street doesn’t mean we’re back in Hollywood Week Paula!

8:03: Just to refresh, our prediction is that Jorge, blind Scott, and our girl Rounds will advance.

8:04: Oh no. Group is singing Katy Perry’s “Hot ‘n Cold”. The guys aren’t doing any choreography (probably to accommodate blind).

8:06: This is really stank. It’s like if High School Musical took place in the SPED wing.

8:11: Boring retrospective of last night. We still think our predictions will hold up.

8:13: “When it came to highs, it was Lil Rounds that raised the roof,” says Ry-Guy. And it was Paula that proved LSD can function as an upper.

8:15: What is with Von Smith’s hair tonight? He looks like one of those cartoon squirrels from Bambi.

8:16: Ju’not exits the stage during the group number. Later reveals he had an asthma attack while performing. What is his problem? He’s like the singer in the plastic bubble.

8:17: OK, first up: Lil. Oh God. She’s got be through!

8:18: YES, she’s in the top 12. The producers probably didn’t make us wait because they knew she’d be a shoo-in.

8:19: She is sooooooo amazing. Definitely the one to beat! Paula-cam: Dancing again. Ridiculous.

8:20: Next up on the chopping block: Arianna, Taylor, Alex, Kendall, and Scott. Alright, one down. Two to go. It’s got to be blind. Damn commercial break.

8:24: Give me back that filet-o-fish. Give me that fish.

8:25: “If you are looking for results, you’ve come to the right place,” says Ry-Guy. I bet that’s what Planned Parenthood said to him. [Editor’s note: ZING!]

8:26: Arianna is out!

8:27: Taylor is out!

8:28: Alex is waaaaayyy out. MILF is shaking her head in disgust.

8:29: And the person through is… blind! I SAW that one coming. Two for three.

8:30: Randy is wearing Ike Turner glasses tonight. Maybe he’ll give Paula a backhand to snap her out of her coma.

8:32: Scott’s performance is still not that great. I’m sorry, but he definitely got the sympathy vote.

8:36: Nathaniel and Kristin are up. Ry-Guy isn’t even making them come down to the main floor. They’re so out. Hate them both anyways.

8:37: Felicia and cartoon squirrel are next.

8:38: Both out! Yes, down to Jorge and Ju’Not. If it’s Jorge, we’re 3 for 3 two weeks in a row!!!

8:39: Jorge is through! Ay, mami. As Ry-Guy would say: tres por tres!

8:40: Speaking Spanish. Can’t understand a word. Not letting him re-perform him song. Moving right on to Wild Card details.

8:41: Judges picked some peeps for Wild Card. We’ll find out after the break.

8:46: So, the deal is: Eight people come back to sing tomorrow night for the three Wild Card slots.

8:47: Ry-Guy asks Simon why this is necessary: “Historically, this allowed singers like Jennifer Hudson and Clay Aiken to make it through.” Translation: Most of the idiots that watch this show can’t be trusted to make good choices. Hello!!! Sanjaya!!!

8:48: Von Smith is first Wild Card contender announced. Blech.

8:49: Jasmine Murray is back (in case you forgot, she’s the Gabriel Union lookalike who sang a sucky version of “Love Song” last week). Kara tells Jasmine she needs to “kill us” with her vocals. I know someone who needs to be killed.

8:50: Paula announces Ricky Braddy is next Wild Card. The Simon announces Megan Corkrey is through. Blah, blah, blah.

8:51: Four more spots to go!

8:55: OK, next pick: Tatiana Del Toro. Great. Do we have to listen to her massacre another Whitney song?

8:57: Boring Matt Giraud forgettable Jessie Langseth are through. Seriously? Helen Keller could have made better picks.

8:58: Last Wild Card: Anoop Desai. He’s kind of like an Indian version of Chris Brown (sans girlfriend-beating temper). Good voice though. I’m glad he made it.

9:00: Finally, Jorge gets his encore. I won’t attempt to make any predictions as to who the three Wild Cards will be since the candidates haven’t performed yet. We’ll all just have to wait and see.