I Got 99 Problems, But a YouTube Obsession Ain't One…

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[Editor’s note: A few weeks ago I came across “Greg Rutter’s Definitive List of the 99 things you should have already experienced on the Internet unless you’re a loser or old or something”. While I self identify with neither of the former groups, I recognized about five of the memes on the list, which made me feel sad inside. Remedying the situation seemed like so much work…. but then I remembered: I have an intern! I can force him to click all 99 links and then report back to me on which ones are worth my time! So he did. Number 40 made us cry. Find links to all 99, along with his reviews, after the jump. Leave your favorite number in the comments.]

1. Grape Stomp

America’s Funniest Videos, who?! Sure to make you spew your beverage of choice onto your computer screen. Even funnier than the grape stomper’s dive (and blood curdling yelps) is the reaction of the news anchors in their best Southern drawls.

2. Charlie Bit Me

Exploiting kids being kids via YouTube is all the rage, but Dakota Fanning, he’s not. Meh.

3. Chocolate Rain

With the smooth pipes of Barry White meets Count Dracula, and the appearance of a pre-pubescent middle school-er, this uber talented kid is the reason we never volunteered for the choir solo. Damn him!

4. Dancing Baby

Before the So You Think You Can Dance? and YouTube days (remember those?), we distracted ourselves with this dancing baby. In fact, the dancing baby is the only thing we remember about Ally McBeal besides our Calista Flockheart health concerns.

5. Post Secret

Let’s “post” our really inappropriate (a health care worker whose mind is in the gutter) or nauseating (fortune cookies-gone-bad) “secrets” and, voi-freakin’-la!: you have Post Secret, the most fulfilling guilty pleasure since the Spice Girls reunion tour.

6. Charlie The Unicorn

Attempting to find the deeper meaning in this triptastic-of-a-clip is fun (we see Charlie representing the bitter New Yorker avoiding the overly giddy tourists with their big ass maps on the subway). OK. Nevermind. It’s more like My Little Pony on acid.

7. Mentos and Diet Coke

Who knew Mentos + Diet Coke could = anything more than a sugar high and/or cavity? Scientists have way too much time on their hands…

8. Numa Numa

How could you not heart someone who lip syncs and gets their frantic dance on to the Miya Hee, Miya Hoo song?

9. Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Say this three times super fast: Peanut butta jelly, peanut butta jelly, peanut butta jelly wit a baseball bat. Talk about nostalgia. Is there a workout video to this that we’re not aware of? Suzanne Somers needs to get on that.

10. George Lucas In Love

So how did George Lucas come up with Star Wars? Let the force be with you, really, and watch this.

11. You’re The Man Now Dog

This is the most effective way to make an already annoyingly well-known movie line even more I-can’t-get-you-outta-my-head. Maybe don’t watch it.

12. Yatta

The Japanese Jonas Brothers

13. Star Wars Kid

Darth Maul’s biggest, biggest fan. (We’re going to blogger hell for that one.)

14. Bubb Rubb

Listen up, M trashy TV: Why don’t Bubb “It’s like an alarm clock: WOO WOO!” Rubb and Lil Sis have their own reality show?

15. The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Screw Scientology, this is the best made-up religion ever.

16. Dramatic Chipmunk

Best Acting for a Chipmunk in a Drama goes to…

17. Homestar Runner

Who said cartoons were dead? If you haven’t been in on the know with this flash cartoon web phenom, get with it. Suggestion: peep the “Strong Bad E-Mail” toon and prepare to laugh your face off.

18. GI Joe Pork Chop Sandwiches

GI Joe loses his shit when some kiddies burn the pork chop sandwiches: “F-ck, we’re all dead! Get the f-ck out of here!” This is some amazing absurdness, we tell ya.

19. Fail Blog

Bookmark this, refresh frequently and laugh yourself to tears.

20. Skateboarding Dog

Speaking of failing, you know you suck at life if Tillman, a bulldog, can skateboard way better than you.

21. All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Instead of an intern being fired when a Japanese video game was poorly translated to English, the crazies over at Something Awful message boards jumped on it. This spawned the beat-heavy, electro-pumping “All Your Base Are Belong To Us” video clip that’s sometimes laughable.

22. Winnebago Man

Who is this man and did Shannon Doherty take being difficult on set lessons from him? Thank you for making us pee our pants, Winnebago Man. We effin heart you, you grumpy old S.O.B.

23. We Like The Moon

The creepy, bug-eyed Quizno’s Rats with their screechy, damaged larynx remind us of Alvin and the Chipmunks on crack. And that’s why we love them.

24. I Can Has Cheezburger

Cats gone wild! A cat seeking art therapy, a cat in need of AA, and a cat with OCD: It’s all here!

25. Barney Vs. Tupac

This kills our “I hate you, you hate me, let’s get together and kill Barney” parody from childhood.

26. Shining

This trailer turns the classic horror flick into more of a Lifetime movie.

27. Cute Overload

If you have some sort of beating pulse, these adorable images of furry friends could give you the smiles for days. But if you’re heartless (as we are), you’re probably thinking something to the extent of: “Humans and their damn animal obsessions!” Find another hobby, please.

28. Rick Roll

Basically peeps with a little too much time on their hands joined together and tricked folks into clicking links about insert random subject. Instead, the link directs the viewers to, surprise! the Rick Roll video. Blech.

29. Lazy Sunday

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines Still = Crazy Delicious!

30. David After The Dentist

Definitely in our top 5 fave YouTube vids. As one user commented on lil David’s post-drugged up dental experience, “I need to get on HIS level.”

31. Powerthirst

Note to Alex Rodriguez: this energy drink is right up your alley.

32. Christian The Lion

Apologies to The Lion King, this clip of Christian the lion being reunited with his keepers juxtaposed with Whitney’s “I Will Always Love You” is pure movie magic. We just feel bad for Siegfried and Roy — this must (no pun intended) really hurt.

33. Bert and Ernie Rap

Our fave muppets ante-ing it up while simultaneously cracking us up is a must see.

34. Lady Punch

The title says it all. She’s a total MILRF (Mother I’d Like to RUN From…).

35. Leprechaun in Alabama

The money quote: “It could be a crackhead that got hold to the wrong stuff and it told him to get up in the tree and play a leprechaun!”

36. Where The Hell Is Matt

We all know Matt: that way-too-happy dude who does this silly dance showing off every damn country he visits in the world. We’re not jealous or anything…

37. Boom Goes The Dynamite

Considering he made Miss Teen USA South Carolina’s stutter-fest-of-a-response seem genius, we assume this was his first, and last, day as the Sports Guy. This is painful, painfulll to watch. Yet we cannot stop.

38. Breakdancing Baby

Someone was watching Step Up instead of Sesame Street. This baby got mad skillz, yo.

39. Drunk Jeff Goldblum

The only way we can stomach the tool that is Jeff Goldblum is Jeff Goldblum after a few Jamesons on the rocks.

40. Scarlet Takes A Tumble

You’re missing out on a week long laughing fit if you haven’t come across the lovely Scarlet. Seriously, we didn’t even know we possessed mouth muscles that could stretch that wide or such overactive tear ducts.

41. Sepultura – Refuse resist (cover) By Gauchos

These kiddies will single-handedly save the music (does VH1 play music anymore?) and prove rock n’ roll is not dead.

42. Gay Mount Everest

This news anchor apparently had Brokeback on the mind.

43. Afro Ninja

As inspired by FAILBlog: Ninja audition LOL-inducing FAIL.

44. Cop Shoots Himself In Leg In Classroom

“I’m the only one in this room professional enough that I know of to carry this gun…” BOOM! Are you sure about that officer? Class dismissed.

45. Tron Guy

Most Creative Halloween Costume? Self-proclaimed computer geek’s life discusses net neutrality, his life-changing costume and other stuff that we’ll pretend we comprehend/care about.

46. “Leave Britney Alone”

No more Chris Crocker, please.

47. Laughing Baby

Fran Drescher + the Wicked Witch’s kid, albeit we wouldn’t wanna pinch his cheeks.

48. I’m the Juggernaut Bitch

“My suit’s so tight I don’t even need no condom, look at what my outfit’s made of.” HA!

49. The Chairperson Falls

Talk (or laugh) about symbolism.

50. Take On Me The Literal Version

The only ’80s video that isn’t unintentionally funny. It just is.

51. Bill O’Reilly Flips Out

After a technical malfunction, Bill O’ effin Reilly has a malfunction of his own. Seriously, can we turn him off?

52. Don’t Tase Me Bro

Both unnerving and funny, this bro’s fighting words at a John Kerry conference were, um, shocking.

53. The Landlord

Long live Pearl — bring this kid out of retirement.

54. Breakdancing Baby Kick

While the breakdancing kiddo in numero 38 has got the skills, this baby really takes “feeling it” to another level. Ouch. Where were his parents?!

55. The Pet Penguin

Although PETA cannot be happy about this, we kind of really want a happy feet of our own!

56. Ms. South Carolina Answers A Question

Insert dumb blond joke here _____ .

57. I’m F*#king Matt Damon

Sarah Silverman’s gift to her then boo, Jimmy Kimmel. Considering their on-again, off-again status, we’re guessing he didn’t get the joke…

58. Will It Blend

Sorry Steve Jobs. Regardless of those overpriced, hip, protective covers, the iPhone is not that durable. Proof here.

59. Spaghetti Cat

Was this shot on April Fool’s Day? The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet had quite the surprise guest with Spaghetti Cat. The intern who effed up should totally get on salary.

60. Tom Cruise Kills Oprah

Fact or Fiction: Tom Cruise proves Scientology is witch magic. FACT.

61. Little Superstar

Possible frontman to the next Jackson Five, complete with controlling parent.

62. Chad Vader

Darth Vader is reinvented here as Chad, the dorky, misunderstood day manager of a grocery store who can’t seem to get his employees to take him seriously.

63. Pretty Much Everywhere It’s Going To Be Hot

This is why Arthur the weather man makes us want to move to Haiti… pretty much everyday would be fantastic waking up to him and his happiness.

64. I Like Turtles

Does this zombie kid have a pulse? The newswoman’s reaction is priceless: “You’re a great zombie.”

65. Who Needs A Movie

Fred and Sharon (Kristen Wiig’s parents!?) remind us of our too-embarrassed-to-call-them-relatives who won a camcorder at a bingo tournament and took an intro to computer skills class.

66. Jake E. Lee Shreds

This clip of Ozzy Osbourne and his guitarist’s confusing stage antics complete with a stoned crowd makes Amy Winehouse seem crack-free.

67. Hawaii Chair

Changing the workplace forever, we present the absurd “feels great on my abs!” Hawaii Chair. And we kind of really want one.

68. Aussie Party

In one video, we’ve found the Australian Nancy Grace and the male equivalent of Miley Cyrus. Oh, the joys of the YouTubes.

69. Hitler Plans Burning Man

“I knew that motherfucker before he wore shoes! He ate tofu in the dark back at New College.”

70. Flirting with Magic

So, this is how Cris Angel learned magic.

71. Look At The Horse

Hey, following a chaotic evening with Jack (and Coke), you might mistake a butterfly for a horse too!

72. Asian Backstreet Boys

Two words: head isolations.

73. Leroy Jenkins

“LEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRROOOY JEEEEEEEENNKKKINNS!”

74. Pinky The Cat

Pinky’s a very loving cat, so much so that he’s “Pet of the Week.” (You had us fooled for about 3 seconds…) Here, Pinky confuses her ball of yarn for another pair of balls (her owner’s). We’re sticking to dogs.

75. Monkey Sniffs Finger

Meh.

76. Sneezing Panda

We suddenly want to Netflix Kungfu Panda.

77. Prison Inmates remake “Thriller”

Maybe we should all get locked up and then we won’t play all day on Perez AND we’ll be a YouTube sensation. Forreal, we always did want to master the “Thriller” moves.

78. Techno Viking

Someone escaped the Gladiator 2 set, boasting his original Mortal Kombat meets rave choreography in the streets. It could be just us, but we wouldn’t be surprised seeing him and his Hercule’s get-up on Bedford Ave.

79. Ask A Ninja

“You Got Questions, Ninja Got Answers.” Hilarious ones.

80. Best Man Trips and Ruins Wedding

Best-man-turned-top-of-the-shit-list in a record breaking 3 seconds.

81. Best Wedding Toast Ever (Amy’s Song)

Leave it to those musical theater freaks to make it impossible for us untalented folk to ever top this full-out musical montage of a wedding toast.

82. Kitten Surprise (how to break up a cat fight)

The third wheel kitten’s version of saying “You make me sick.”

83. Katana Sword Infomercial Goes Wrong

“We may need emergency surgery in the studio.” Way to go, Mr. Obvi.

84. Matrix Ping Pong

The title says it all, and then some. This will make your eyeballs go cray cray with astonishment.

85. La Pequeña Prohibida

Wait, we may have just peed our pants and ruptured our vocal chords. Scarred 4 LyFe!!

86. Angry German Kid (translated)

Forget number 85, we haven’t been this scurred since Large Marge from Pee Wee’s Playhouse. WTF. Who let him out?!

87. Evolution of Dance

Why can’t our dad be this awesome?

88. Ok Go – “Here It Goes Again”

Who said the music video was dead? Now we need to go workout.

89. Battle at Kruger (lions vs. buffalos vs. crocodiles)

Survival of the fittest. We’ve never been more emotionally invested in an animal’s story since Bambi. And who knew buffaloes were so bad ass?

90. Daft Hands

So this is what they mean by “spirit fingers…”

91. Human Beatbox

This dude’s noise-making grill is beyond dope. We can’t handle this brilliance. Give up now, J. Timberlake.

92. Most T-Shirts Worn At Once

Former radio VJ Matt McAllister set the Guinness World Record for most t-shirts worn at one time. He’s also at the forefront of the clothing layering movement.

93. Zero G Dog

All dogs go to heaven, especially if you forget to put their seat belt on while flying a helicopter.

94. Cuppy Cakes Song

Adorable pudgy kid singing about cupcakes. Sweeeet.

95. George Washington

George Washington rocked the white wig, wooden teeth and, according to this jam, was the man responsible for cocaine.

96. Scary Maze Prank

Little boy develops an early heart condition. Way to go, Dad of the Year!

97. Gay Referee

How could you ever get mad at this referee and his overt display of team spirit? Some people are just really, really in touch with their emotions and the love of the game..

98. Tranquilized Bear Hits Trampoline

As former Late Late Show host Craig Kilborn (we miss you!) puts it, “Bear in tree + tranquilizer gun = Comedy.”

99. Reporter Gets A Fly In The Mouth

As one user commented, the reporter went from gentlemen to G after “shit flying in my mouth!” Aren’t newsreporters supposed to have hometown pride? Hil-ar-i-ous.