American Idol Recapped: “He’s looking like the recession version of Justin Timberlake.”

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Idol’s Wild Cards turned out to be mostly jokers after last night’s string of underwhelming performances. We never thought we’d say it, but can we have bikini girl back? (Oh wait, she’s too busy flashing her hooters to Playboy.) Anyway, back to last night: From the heinous fashion choices to the coma-inducing songs, it’s pretty darn clear that the judges were grasping at straws to come up with eight more people worthy of advancing to the finals. A better option would have been to air an hour of slapstick comedy where Paula replicates the opening of The Dick Van Dyke Show by tripping and falling down the AI set’s spiral staircase over and over again. Now, that’s something we’d like to see.

Truth be told, we can’t wait for all of this top 36 nonsense to be over. Next week the finals begin and that’s where we’ll separate the boys from sexually-ambiguous men. We’re standing by our girl Lil Rounds all the way. We know we sound like a broken record, and that’s just fine (as long as it’s a first-edition vinyl of Rounds’ debut album). Read the blow-by-blow of last night’s show after the jump.

8:00: OK, what is Tatiana wearing? She looks like a boa constrictor with sequin scales.

8:02: So, after the Wild Card choices sing, the judges will decide which three will make it to the top 12.

8:03: Jessica Langseth is kicking off the night with her version of “Tell Me Something Good”. Seriously? This biatch is really taking on Ms. Khan. Oh, no she didn’t.

8:04: Of course, she’s wearing one of her Deb specials — a shiny trash-ola minidress with camel suede boots and a scary knit bolero. Someone, please: Take this girl to J. Crew.

8:05: Bad performance too. Cut to Jessica’s dad, who kinda looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

8:06: Kara’s got a weird thing going on with her hair tonight. It’s very Eva Peron.

8:07: Simon says: “It was better than last time, but the performance was over indulgent.”

8:08: Dumb Matt Giraud is up next singing “Who’s Loving You” by the Jackson 5. Tonight, he’s looking like the recession version of Justin Timberlake.

8:09: Pretty good performance — I predict the judges will like it. Hate the woven fedora.

8:10: Kara likes the vocals. Paula says, “I happen to think you did an amazing job.” Has a scary Mrs. Robinson look in her eyes.

8:11: Uh-oh, Simon gives him the “you remind me of Taylor Hicks” curse. Taylor Hicks: World’s Lamest Idol.

8:12: Megan Corkey (whoops, Corkrey) and Von Smith are up next.

8:16: Ry-Guy’s wearing a three-piece tonight. What’s up with that? I’m a little over Megan. Singing KT Tunstall’s “Black Horse and The Cherry Tree”.

8:17: Again, arrangement is so bad. AI producers need to send the band back to cheesy resort in the Poconos where they found them. And Corkey’s performance is really, really, really bad too.

8:18: She looks much better though. Her hair is straightened tonight.

8:19: Simon says, “You’re current and sometimes this show can get a little karaoke and I don’t get that from you.” Seriously? The judges liked this?

8:20: Kara says that she gives the show some needed variety. That’s it, next season I need to be a judge.

8:21: Oh, God. Von is up next. He’s doing “Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word” by Elton. Hate it. [Editor’s note: Why do all the boys always pick Elton? I’m confused.]

8:22: Simon says he’s beginning to become a bit boring. BEGINNING? Paula’s facial expressions during this exchange are cracking me up.

8:23: Both Randy and Kara don’t like the song choice. Paula: “I’ve been studying the way you perform. You aren’t letting the pure essence of Von Smith out.” Um, he can keep his essence, thanks.

8:24: Jasmine Murray (Gabby Union) and Ricky Braddy are up next. I hope she can bring it tonight. Although, I really think there’s only room for one soulful black diva in this competition, and her name be Rounds.

8:26: I think the singing fish from the McDonald’s commercial should be allowed to perform next season. Would LOVE to seem him do a rendition of “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)”.

8:28: Jasmine is performing first. Side note: I’m really hating the videos that all the Wild Cards had to film explaining how happy they are to be back. Gabby is singing “Reflection” by Xtina from the Mulan soundtrack. I’m sort of embarrassed to admit me this, but I love this song. Almost as much as Vanessa Williams’ “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas. ALMOST.

8:29: She’s doing much better tonight. A little shrill on the high notes but the dress is fab. It’s a little fuchsia satin number with ombre at the hem.

8:30: Nice finish. We’re digging Gabby Union tonight. Randy says 100 percent improvement but the song was a little too big for her.

8:31: Kara admits she’s confused (what else is new) and didn’t realize that Jasmine had such a big voice. Paula says it was a wonderful job overall.

8:32: Ricky “Who Cares About You” Bragg is up. Singing “Superstition”. Paula’s doing one of her Curves cardio-dances behind the judge’s tables.

8:34: Kara and Paula are impressed. He’s gay girls.

8:35: Simon thought performance was a bit clumsy and doesn’t think he really made the impression he could have made.

8:36: Oh god, Tat is up next.

8:40: “I’ve found love and I love what I do and I love to sing and I want to show the world how much I love to sing,” says Tat in her video. Gross.

8:41: Singing “Saving All My Love For You?” Wait, wasn’t this the song that got her eliminated in the first place? What a tard.

8:42: I’d love to see Rounds take this one on. I bet she’d kill it.

8:43: Simon looks totally annoyed. Says, “What happens if you make it through to the next round. Are you going to sing the same song?” Calls it rubbish. Why’d ya put her in the Wild Card race then, limey.

8:45: “At least she’s not crying and holding her heart,” says Kara. Amen.

8:46: EW, Tat is on her knees and Ryan says, “You don’t have to get up. You can stay down there.” Then he closes his eyes and begins to envision Mark McGrath.

8:47: Anoop is singing “My Prerogative”. It’s pretty funny to see an Indian guy singing Bobby Brown. He’s pretty good though.

8:48: Judges liked it, I think.

8:49: “Not the best singer we’ll hear,” says Simon. “But people like you.”

8:50: Paula says, “You’re whipping up some moves that are a little nasty.” A word I never wanted to hear pass those lips.

8:51: Anoop gives Chapel Hill a shout-out. Paging Who Cares. Who Cares, are you there?

8:55: Results baby! Gabby Union is up first. And she’s through. Iraheta gives her a lesbo-style hug.

8:56: Ricky is up next. Gets the ax. Paula stands and does a weird lasso motion with her arms.

8:57: Corkey and Tat are up now. Judges go with Megan. Oh no, Tat is gonna blow. Tat approaches the judges table. I think she’s gonna kill one of them.

8:58: Oh, no: she’s kneeling in front of the judges table. Paula consoles her by saying that she’ll make a great actress one day. Yeah, in San Juan soft-core maybe.

9:02: OK, we’re back. Dumb Jessie and Von are both out.

9:03: It’s down to Annoop and Matt.

9:04: And… they’re both in. Those clever AI producers. Just when we get used to the idea of a Top 12, they go with 13. WHAT A TWIST.