Ok, so it’s Halloween morning. You just woke up in a pool of Pinot and pumpkin guts, and don’t even remember bringing your jack-o’-lantern to bed.
No big deal — your dignity will grow back in a few days. But what is a big deal is that tonight’s costume bash starts at 8 p.m. and you still haven’t devised a terrifying and/or ironic getup. Adding to the challenge is the fact that you have no time to shop around because you’re stuck in your cube squinting at Excel spreadsheets all day.
But quit fondling those worry beads — Flavorwire is here to help. Using some common items that likely are lying around your apartment this very second, you can pull together a costume that will make all the slutty nuns and sad superheroes sorry they went for pre-made numbers at Party City.
Let’s stop wasting valuable candy corn-chugging time and get to it.
If you have Ray-Ban Wayfarers, you can dress up as:
Bernie Lomax from WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S Step 1. Don shades. Step 2. Prop yourself up against a wall. Step 3. Fall over periodically.
OR RICK ASTLEY Step 1. Button your top button. Step 2. Cut out this mask and put on your Bans. Step 3. Don’t let anybody down. If you have a copy of the New York Times, choices include: Olympic Torchbearer Step 1. Light newspaper on fire. Step 2. Run. Step 3. Find dude in MICHAEL PHELPS costume. Step 4. Hand off torch.
Member of the Liberal Elite Step 1. Tuck newspaper under your arm. Step 2. Walk slightly faster than everyone around you. Step 3. Ask for location of the nearest voting booth.
Puppy During Housebreaking Step 1. Use your imagination here, people.
If you have a cell phone, scare your friends by transforming into any of the following:
Drug Dealer from Third Season of THE WIRE Step 1. Answer phone by saying, “Yo, where’s the re-up?” Step 2. Decline collect call from Hamsterdam. Step 3. Throw phone on ground after use.
Your Mom Step 1. Hold phone close to face and tentatively press buttons as if expecting device to explode. Step 2. Ask how to check your voicemail. Step 3. Leave phone at home before going anywhere.
Teenager on Family Vacation Step 1. Mimic receiving a text message. Step 2. Stare at phone in disbelief. Step 3. Start to cry. Step 4. In between sobs, say, “We have to go home — Reggie just dumped me for Courtney.”
You’re welcome. If you have any costume suggestions for last-minute lazy bums, drop them in the comments.
– Chris Diken