The results are in and, unfortunately, our predictions fell flat. That’s right: Last night on Idol, America got its chance to stick it to two of the final 13 contestants and we didn’t see it coming for either of them. Like herpes, Megan Corkrey (we call her Corkey) and Anoop Desai are here to stay. Gone are Jasmine Murray and Jorge Nunez. We’re not too sure what’s going to become of cute-as-a-button Jasmine, but we’re confident we’ll be seeing Jorge on Royal Caribbean’s Oasis of the Seas very, very soon. (We picture him in a light blue tuxedo singing “I Honestly Love You.”)
Before we get to the play-by-play, we couldn’t help but poke fun at Adam Lambert just once. If you haven’t seen it already, check out his performance of “The Star-Spangled Banner” on adamlambert.org (pay extra attention the person dressed as a lamb and the man in festish gear in the background). We’re pretty sure the nutballs over at this lame fan site think this video shows Adam’s amazing range. What it really shows is that his mother took some serious psychotropic drugs while she was pregnant with him. We’re secretly praying that blowhard Bill O’Reilly gets a hold of this one.
Read all about last night’s show (complete with funny quips from Mom) after the jump.
8:56: Tonight, it’s just me and Mom. Cousin K is watching at home. Mom assures me she’ll be calling every five minutes to give us her two cents.
8:58: Call #1 from Cousin K. Mom says, “See. Told you.”
8:59: Just to recap: I think Corkey and Anoop are gone. Mom and Cousin K think it’ll be Anoop and Jorge. Plus, the new rule change that involves the judges will be revealed sometime tonight.
9:00: OK, what is up with all the plaid? I love a good flannel, but this is getting ridiculous. Matt Giraud and Danny Gokey look like twins joined at their incredibly annoying personalities.
9:01: Thirty-three million votes were cast last night. So sad. I think less people voted in the last presidential election. No wonder everyone hates America. Kanye and Kelly Clarkson are performing tonight.
9:02: Kara is looking better tonight. Paula looks like Lesley Ann Warren from Life Stinks. (For those of you who haven’t seen it, she plays a homeless woman.)
9:03: OK, new rule is revealed and it’s a judge’s save. From this point forward, the judges can save one contestant from elimination. The catch is that they only have one save for the rest of the season. Once their save is used, it’s gone. The week they save a contestant from the chopping block no one goes home and then the next week two people go home. So lame. We’ll just vote the person we hated off the next week then.
9:04: Ok, the AI crib is amazing! There is a sick indoor pool. I can’t believe Adam Lambert gets to live there.
9:05: And a BOWLING ALLEY. I’d be in heaven.
9:06: Group is performing a medley of Jackson 5 hits. Jorge is Blind’s designated helper during the choreography.
9:07: Call #2 from Cousin K. Her verdict: She likes the group performance. Mom and I are skeptical.
9:08: Oh god, is Blind going down the stairs? This is getting scary. Phew, he stays on the top level. That was a huge lawsuit in the making.
9:09: I’m explaining rules change to Mom again.
9:11: Time-filling retrospective of last night.
9:13: Please: No more of Corkey’s “Rockin’ Robin.” I’m still having night terrors from the original performance.
9:14: Ry-Guy asks Oil Rigger what the contestants have been up to since their performances last night. He responds, “Workin’ is the word.” No darling, “grease” is the word.
9:15: AI debuts tragic Ford music video/commercial featuring season 8 contestants and set to “We Will Rock You.” Is it any wonder America’s auto industry is in the shitter? Instead of designing cutting edge cars, they’re dumping time and money into this crap.
9:16: Finally, the results begin: Oil Rigger is up first. America voted and he’s safe. For now OR. For now.
9:17: Allison Iraheta is next. Safe. A total no-brainer. Jasmine’s up now. Uh-oh, Ry-guy asks Jasmine to come down to the stage. She must be DYING inside.
9:18: Matt Giraud is asked to stand. And…he’s safe. Kris Allen is up. He’s still standing. Oh no. Gabby Union is still standing on stage.
9:19: Corkey is up now and standing next to Kris Allen. She’s asked down to the stage with Gabby Union and Kris is safe.
9:20: Ry-guy announces that one is safe and one will go. It’s got to be Corkey. SHUT UP. Corkey is SAFE??? Our record is broken.
9:21: Gabby Union has to sing for her life before the judges. I’m bummed. She was so much better than Corkey.
9:22: Call #3 from Cousin K: She thinks Gabby sounds better tonight than last night.
9:23: Will the judges save her? Randy says they’ve discussed it and poor Gabby Union is headed home. Oh, well. One less sista to cramp our girl Rounds’ style.
9:24: Bad Gabby Union retrospective. Gabby-cam shows her crying her eyes out. This is cruel and unusual punishment in my opinion. Mom asks, “Is this really necessary. The judges humiliate her and then she just has to stand there?”
9:25: Ry-Guy says, “I was always impressed by your courage and poise.” Thanks Ry.
9:28: Still explaining rule change to mom. Her response, “This used to be entertainment. Now you have to think.”
9:29: Special performance by Kanye West. Yuck. I HATE him.
9:30: Singing “Heartless” with a vocal manipulator. Dad joins in on the fun. Comments that Kanye sounds like one of those people from the lung cancer commercials.
9:31: American Idol? Really gangsta Kanye.
9:32: Mom, Dad, and I agree his performance is terrible.
9:37: OK, we’re back. More results: Blind stands up first. He’s safe. Ugh. But expected.
9:38: Alexis is standing now. She’s safe too.
9:39: Danny Gokey is next on the chopping block. He’s totally safe although I really don’t like him. Yup. Safe.
9:40: Anoop is up first. He walks straight to the stage without Ry-Guy even telling him he needs to. He must know he was awful. Oh God: Adam Lambert is up now. He’s safe. I wanna puke.
9:41: Jorge is next. Rounds is next to him. Thank God: She’s safe. Jorge move to the stage with Anoop.
9:42: Ry-Guy teases us by going to commercial before he reveals who’s out.
9:43: STILL explaining the rule change to Mom. Seriously.
9:44: Call #4 from Cousin K. She thinks Anoop is gone.
9:46: Apparently the hilarious filet-o-fish commercial that I love was created right here in Massachusetts (where I’m visiting and posting my AI blogs from this week).
9:47: Kelly Clarkson is performing tonight. She’s looking a little chunky. Call #5 from Cousin K comes in. She agrees that K. Clark looks bad.
9:49: Performing “My Life Would Suck Without You.” Mom doesn’t really like the lyrics. She’s kind of laboring on stage. Really bad.
9:51: Something really did suck tonight.
9:52: Mom: “She was so cute and sweet when she first won. Now, she looks worn out.”
9:55: Moment of truth for Anoop and Jorge: Anoop is safe. WHAT?? We were so wrong. Cousin K called it.
9:56: He’s singing his dumb song again. I’m actually kind of glad he’s gone. Paula’s up on her feet doing her weird claps. It looks like she’s dancing at the prom in her mind.
9:58: Mom and I think he’s worse than he was last night. Let’s see if the judges will save him. Don’t do it!
9:59: Ry-Guy, “OK, judges you’ve got one save all season, will you use it?” Simon gives a blunt, “No. Sorry.” That’s right buddy, save it for Rounds.
10:00: Cue boring Jorge retrospective to bring us out. Until next week… adieu.