Giving from the Heart
Remember, guys, some kids don’t have anything. Not even the funds for getting to the Gathering of the Juggalos! Don’t forget the less fortunate Juggalos, and the Juggalo tykes who won’t be getting any toys this year. Or host your own charity event and funnel all the money into your own bank account. Whatever.
Go Christmas Caroling
But instead of those whack-ass jing-a-ling choral numbers, serenade your neighbors with choice selections from Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope — like, say, “Murder City Christmas,” featuring Twiztid. Or perhaps ICP’s “Red Christmas.” Sample lyrics: “Make way for jolly St. J, climb down the chimney for the murder/ Dressed as the fat man everyone’s heard of.”
As we all know, Christmas is the time to get totally crunked. And, according to our sources, mixing Chocolate Pop with Red Pop Faygo makes a flavor that’s sort of like eggnog. Might we suggest spiking that mixture with some grain alcohol (or cough syrup) to get your jolliez? Idrink also has a cocktail titled “Juggalo Christmas,” which consists of — no joke — brown sugar, 5-Hour Energy, and apricot juice.
Hang Your Christmas Stockings
You can rep your Juggalo self in stocking form, like this chapter did:
According to Juggalo Sapo the Slasher, the following unedited song makes an acceptable Juggalo Christmas List (as sung to the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”):
Twelve Hatchet’s chopping Eleven Bodies flopping Ten victim’s screaming Nine nedan’s creaming Eight Twiztid posters Seven Jars of eyes Six Joker’s cards Five Rock N Ryes Four pills of X Three severed necks Two clowns a rappin And a whole pound of some good weed
But in lieu of that (jars of eyes being somewhat difficult to find), try these Violent J earrings from Etsy user PinkPandemonium:
Now go get merry until you PUKE!