A Juggalo’s Guide to Christmas

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Juggalos, you may have been feeling a bit neglected in this yuletide season. We’ve covered holiday festivities for metalhead and rap nerds, but, as usual, the obsessive Insane Clown Posse fan stands alone. Well, don’t worry your clown-painted heads, Juggalos, -ettes, and -inis. Grab a bottle of Faygo and learn how to celebrate Christmas the ICP way.

Christmas Cards

There are a couple ways to go for Juggalo Christmas greeting. You may want to record a cover version of “Miracles” with your friends and e-mail it out in hopes it will go viral. But if you prefer the old-fashioned paper-and-ink method, make sure to include the iconic “Hatchet Claus.” Below, an actual example of a Christmas card from ICP’s label, Psychopathic Records:

Giving from the Heart

Remember, guys, some kids don’t have anything. Not even the funds for getting to the Gathering of the Juggalos! Don’t forget the less fortunate Juggalos, and the Juggalo tykes who won’t be getting any toys this year. Or host your own charity event and funnel all the money into your own bank account. Whatever.

Go Christmas Caroling

But instead of those whack-ass jing-a-ling choral numbers, serenade your neighbors with choice selections from Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope — like, say, “Murder City Christmas,” featuring Twiztid. Or perhaps ICP’s “Red Christmas.” Sample lyrics: “Make way for jolly St. J, climb down the chimney for the murder/ Dressed as the fat man everyone’s heard of.”

Holiday Refreshments

As we all know, Christmas is the time to get totally crunked. And, according to our sources, mixing Chocolate Pop with Red Pop Faygo makes a flavor that’s sort of like eggnog. Might we suggest spiking that mixture with some grain alcohol (or cough syrup) to get your jolliez? Idrink also has a cocktail titled “Juggalo Christmas,” which consists of — no joke — brown sugar, 5-Hour Energy, and apricot juice.

Hang Your Christmas Stockings

You can rep your Juggalo self in stocking form, like this chapter did:

Gift Guide

According to Juggalo Sapo the Slasher, the following unedited song makes an acceptable Juggalo Christmas List (as sung to the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”):

Twelve Hatchet’s chopping Eleven Bodies flopping Ten victim’s screaming Nine nedan’s creaming Eight Twiztid posters Seven Jars of eyes Six Joker’s cards Five Rock N Ryes Four pills of X Three severed necks Two clowns a rappin And a whole pound of some good weed

But in lieu of that (jars of eyes being somewhat difficult to find), try these Violent J earrings from Etsy user PinkPandemonium:

Now go get merry until you PUKE!