American Idol Recapped: "This isn't Big Love, people."


America has voted and, much like the 2004 presidential election, gotten it wrong AGAIN. We’re of course referring to last night’s AI results show where tons-of-potential Alexis Grace was unceremoniously dumped in favor of contestants that appeal directly to Idol’s core audience group: hormonal teenage girls. The proof: Bloated Michael Sarver made it through. Drag king Adam Lambert? He’s still around. And don’t even get us started on Scott MacIntyre. We haven’t seen a worse lineup of male performances since the bank CEOs testified before Congress.

What we are glad about is that Grand Ole Opry week has come and gone. No more creepy Randy Travis. No more horrible Garth Brooks covers. No more urges to burn down the Academy of Country Music. Next week the contestants will sing the hits of Motown and we think that our fave girl Rounds definitely has the advantage. We’re hoping that Diana Ross comes out to mentor the contestants. The opportunity to see her at Abdul battle it out for craziest batch in the room would be well worth the two hours of our life we’ll never see again.

More on last night’s show after the jump.

8:59: Why is dumb Lie To Me still on? Idol had better not start late tonight!

9:00: Ry-Guy: “On this stage stand eleven contestants, but tonight one will face the fire.” Or the flamer in Ry’s case.

9:02: Recap of last night. I still hate Corkey.

9:04: And Blind too.

9:06: Group is singing “T-R-O-U-B-L-E.” I think it’s so lame that the AI producers force the guys have to stand around the piano while Blind plays. They’re just afraid of a L-A-W-S-U-I-T if he falls.

9:07: Now, they’ve advanced to doing lame choreography. Well, all except Oil Rigger. Boy has no game. He can’t even step from side to side in time to the music. He’s so gone.

9:08: This is whole performance is very Kids Incorporated.

9:12: Fabulous: Another totally lame Ford commercial starring this season’s Idols.

9:14: Oooooh, and exclusive look behind the scenes after Jorge and Jamsine were canned last week. Contestants pretend to feel sorry for the people that got kicked off. Please.

9:15: This is so sad. Apparently, Idol hosts a special pizza party for the ditched contestants. So that they can eat their pain. My ninth birthday party was at a classier restaurant.

9:16: Come on! Let’s get to the results!

9:17: Oil Rigger says it’s really tough to be away from his family. Don’t worry, you’ll be back in their loving arms soon enough.

9:19: Finally! Hokey Gokey is up first. He’ll stay. And, I’m right: He’s safe. Our girl Rounds is next. She’s in, of course

9:20: Anoop faces the music now. He was really good last night. I hope he sticks around. And…….he’s safe.

9:21: Irahetes and Oil Rigger are up now. Ry-Guy asks Paula who of these two she thinks will be in bottom three. As usual, she avoids the question.

9:22: SHUT UP!!! Irahetes is in bottom three???!!!!??? Please don’t tell me dumb Oil Rigger is safe! Thank God: He’s in bottom three, too. Our prediction may still come true.

9:26: Finally, the filet-o-fish commercial.

9:27: Brad Paisley is performing now. Gross. The audience is swaying

9:29: Cousin K calls. She thinks Judge Judy should replace Paula. “She direct, she’s to the point, and she doesn’t drink.” She also can’t believe Irahetes is in bottom three.

9:31: ANOTHER commercial break!!!????!!!

9:35: OK, Blind is up now. Please America: Can this joker. He’s safe and going on the AI summer tour. What are they going to do with him? Put him on a motorized Lark during every performance?

9:36: Corkey is up next. She’s safe. Really!!!!??? This is unbelievable.

9:37: Giraud is up. He’s safe. Kris Allen is too. Could it be? Could Adam Lambert be up for elimination?

9:38: It’s down to Alexis and Adam. Please let it be Adam! I just realized what his hairstyle reminds me of: Halle Berry circa Catwoman.

9:39: Simon says Adam’s performance was even worse during the playback. Randy compares him to Jeff Buckley. What a tard.

9:40: Randy then says he thinks Allison is in the bottom three. Ummm….it’s Alexis dummy. He’s right though. The bottom three are Alexis, Allison, and Oil Rigger.

9:41: Irahetes is safe! Thank God. Please Oil Rigger be gone!

9:45: Carrie Underwood is performing next. They’re showing some past footage of her from her Idol days. Girlfriend has slimmed down. Or lost her “baby fat.”

9:46: She’s singing a duet with Randy Travis. Yuck.

9:47: Carrie’s look says, “Why the hell do I have to sing with this creepy old man.” She sounds pretty good though.

9:48: But what is her hair doing tonight?

9:49: Ew. Gross. They’re singing a love song. This isn’t Big Love, people.

9:51: That seriously sent shivers of terror down my spine.

9:52: OK, back to the results: Simon says that the judges would consider saving either Alexis or Oil Rigger.

9:55: And, America has voted and… Oil Rigger is safe. Is this a joke?

9:56: I can’t believe Alexis is singing for her life tonight. The judges will decide to save her based on her performance.

9:57: Judges are huddling up. This not looking good. She’s doing worse than last night. Sounds very hoarse.

9:58: I think she’s going home. Simon says, “It was good, but it not good enough.” Alexis is going home.

9:59: Next week is Motown week. See you all there!