Red Hots: Bow chicka bow wow. They may not be an original choice, but they sure get the message across.
Hot Tamales: Same as above, but spicier.
Wax Lips: Either you’re a Rocky Horror fan, or you’ve got make-outs on the brain.
Wax Bottles: You gotta get me drunk first.
Gummy Bears: You’d rather cuddle.
Blow Pops: You’ve got a one-track mind. (See also: Lemonheads.)
Hot Dog Bubblegum: You’ve got an extra-dirty one-track mind. (See also: Jawbreakers.)
Marathon Bar: You’re in it for the long haul. (See also: Now and Later.)
Mike and Ike: You’re out, proud, and have found the perfect gag gift for the “original fruit” in your life.
Nerds: You and your special lad or lady epitomize geek love. Way to embrace it.
Cry Baby: You’re into S&M. Whatever, we don’t judge.
Saf-T-Pops: Don’t go breakin’ my heart.
Zero: Either you’re a major Smashing Pumpkins fan or you have excellent, think-outside-the-box taste in candy bars.
Pixy Stix: You secretly wish your girlfriend were a little more like Natalie Portman, huh?
Mounds: Do you really need us to psychoanalyze this one?
Almond Joy: If it’s got nuts, it’s for you.
Chuckles: You’ve got a funny Valentine. (See also: Snickers, Skittles.)
Candy Cigarettes: It’s gonna be long, hot night.
Warheads: We need to talk. No, you’re not getting laid.
Spree: Since sprees are generally shopping- or crime-related, the meaning isn’t clear — but it probably isn’t good, either.
Pop Rocks: You’re expecting fireworks.
Fun Dip: Oral fixation disguised in childlike exterior alert!
Ring Pops: If you liked it, then you better have a real freaking ring in your pocket.
Sugar Daddy: I appreciate our mutually beneficial arrangement.
Sugar Babies: I’m pregnant.