February 14th is a day for boxes of chocolates, from artisanal truffles to generic Godivas to gluey Russell Stover disasters that have been sitting on the shelf for months. But here at Flavorpill, we’d like to move beyond the heart-shaped box (and, for that matter, the inedibly stale, chalky conversation heart), without sacrificing the wonderfulness that is Valentine’s Day candy. With that in mind, we believe that anything you’d want to say with flowers can be better communicated with candy. That’s why we’ve compiled this handy guide to what your choice of V-Day confection says about you — and the lover you choose to share it with.
Red Hots: Bow chicka bow wow. They may not be an original choice, but they sure get the message across.
Hot Tamales: Same as above, but spicier.
Wax Lips: Either you’re a Rocky Horror fan, or you’ve got make-outs on the brain.
Wax Bottles: You gotta get me drunk first.
Gummy Bears: You’d rather cuddle.
Blow Pops: You’ve got a one-track mind. (See also: Lemonheads.)
Hot Dog Bubblegum: You’ve got an extra-dirty one-track mind. (See also: Jawbreakers.)
Marathon Bar: You’re in it for the long haul. (See also: Now and Later.)
Mike and Ike: You’re out, proud, and have found the perfect gag gift for the “original fruit” in your life.
Nerds: You and your special lad or lady epitomize geek love. Way to embrace it.
Cry Baby: You’re into S&M. Whatever, we don’t judge.
Saf-T-Pops: Don’t go breakin’ my heart.
Zero: Either you’re a major Smashing Pumpkins fan or you have excellent, think-outside-the-box taste in candy bars.
Pixy Stix: You secretly wish your girlfriend were a little more like Natalie Portman, huh?
Mounds: Do you really need us to psychoanalyze this one?
Almond Joy: If it’s got nuts, it’s for you.
Chuckles: You’ve got a funny Valentine. (See also: Snickers, Skittles.)
Candy Cigarettes: It’s gonna be long, hot night.
Warheads: We need to talk. No, you’re not getting laid.
Spree: Since sprees are generally shopping- or crime-related, the meaning isn’t clear — but it probably isn’t good, either.
Pop Rocks: You’re expecting fireworks.
Fun Dip: Oral fixation disguised in childlike exterior alert!
Ring Pops: If you liked it, then you better have a real freaking ring in your pocket.
Sugar Daddy: I appreciate our mutually beneficial arrangement.
Sugar Babies: I’m pregnant.