By now, we’re sure you’ve read about Charlie Sheen’s bizarre call-in rant on (of all things) radio’s Alex Jones Show. And perhaps you’ve even compared him to some celebrities who have publicly gone nuts in the past — Mel Gibson, say. But there comes a time when each pop culture fanatic must look him — or herself in the mirror and say, “Which of these sorry bastards do I most resemble?” Luckily, we have created a quiz to answer precisely this question.
1. Who are you? A. I’m the highest paid actor on TV. Yes, really. B. The singer-songwriter whose albums dudes (used to) put on so ladies will think they’re sensitive. C. I was once an A-list actor/director/producer and the Sexiest Man Alive. Most recently, I starred as a guy who talks through a beaver puppet in a movie whose release date keeps getting pushed back. D. I used to be one of the biggest movie stars in Hollywood. Now, I mostly do self-referential cameos in a desperate attempt to prove I can laugh at myself.
2. What was the high point of your career? A. Platoon? Or maybe that cameo I did in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? B. That time I told you your body was a wonderland. C. Mad Max. D. Top Gun, or Eyes Wide Shut if you’re nasty.
3. What are you addicted to? A. Winning. I mean drugs and sex. I mean WINNING!!! B. Porn. C. Formerly, alcohol. Now, just my special version of Jesus who hates Jews. D. Xenu.
4. Who or what is your nemesis? A. “This bootleg cult arrogantly referred to as AA now supports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math! One of their stupid mottos is ‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ News flash: I am special and I will never be one of you.” B. Jessica Simpson. “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.” C. Jews. Black people. Gays. Women. Cops. Vatican II. Pretty much anyone who isn’t me, actually. D. Whoever Scientology tells me to hate. Right this minute? Probably Paul Haggis.
5. What redeeming quality humanizes you? A. My strange, almost spooky, bad-boy magnetism. B. I’m fairly aware of what an asshole I am. C. I pull adorable on-set pranks. D. Despite all of it, I’m still pretty hot.
6. What’s your dirty, little secret? A. When you actually look at the projects I’ve done since the ’80s, my career is not that impressive. B. Can’t tell you, but it involves Taylor Swift. C. You know the part of The Passion of the Christ where Jesus is all getting whipped and shit? Yeah, I thought that was kind of hot. D. I am probably gay.
7. Would you ever hit a woman? A. Fuck yeah. B. Probably not. But my David Duke penis is kind of a wild card… C. I would, at the very least, luridly threaten it. D. No, but I would force her to silently give birth without any anesthesia. That’s not abuse, right?
8. Do you hate Jews? A. Well, I’m not a big fan of “Chaim Levine.” B. Not as far as I’m aware, but you never know when that KKK schlong will kick in. C. No, but “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” D. I pity anyone who hasn’t seen the true light of Scientology.
9. Are you sorry for what you’ve done? A. “I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second. I’m not perfect, and bitching and just delivering the goods at every f—ing turn. Because look what I’m dealing with, man — I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets.” B. “Re: using the ‘N’ word in an interview, I am sorry. I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.” C. “There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge.” (2006); “Could you please call me. I want to tell you how unspeakably sorry I am.” (to Oksana Grigorieva, 2010). D. Are you kidding? I’m blazing a trail to truth, justice, and redemption. “We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind.”
10. Which of your insane quotes will live in infamy long after your career is over? A. “Vatican assassin warlocks.” B. “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist.” C. “Sugar tits.” D. “YES!” (while jumping up and down on a couch)
If you answered mostly A’s: You’re Charlie Sheen. You managed to get a stupidly successful TV show canceled, you can’t stop terrorizing hookers, and your drug-related escapades often land you in the hospital. But hey, at least you’re “winning.”
If you answered mostly B’s: You’re John Mayer. Perhaps you’re not as kooky as the other people on this list, but you may want to expand your sexual horizons (in real life, not through porn) and learn when to keep your goddamn mouth shut.
If you answered mostly C’s: You’re Mel Gibson. Congratulations, you are batshit insane. Have fun with that beaver movie, though.
If you answered mostly D’s: You’re Tom Cruise. Sometime around 1990, the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard landed his spaceship in your backyard and replaced the contents of your brain with the full text of Dianetics. Now, you are either 100% self-actualized or 100% nutso-pants.