Many incredulous articles have appeared over the past few days, enumerating Charlie Sheen’s alternate-universe quotes and trying to analyze what the hell is going on with him. (Good luck on that one, guys.) As Sheen does interview after marathon interview, we’ve become fascinated not with what he’s saying but with how he’s saying it. His language is a thing of wonder, oscillating between slang we haven’t heard since the early ’90s, hybrid terms ripped from the pages of fantasy novels, and words he has completely and totally re-appropriated (e.g., “winning”). After the jump, we provide a brief glossary for Charlie Sheen’s latest meltdown.
n. Along with tiger blood, the building blocks of a Charlie Sheen.
“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
adj. Beyond awesome.
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” (Paging David Bowie — don’t you own that one, bro?)
n. Totally bitchin’, incredibly expensive drug that will probably kill you.
“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
n. The science of understanding WTF is going on with Charlie Sheen.
“Read behind the frickin’ hieroglyphics… this is cryptology.”
n. A term that gained popularity in the last two decades of the 20th century meaning, roughly, “Everybody knows that.”
“Duh, winning! It’s, like, guys, IMDb right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”
adj. Intense, fucked up.
“[I]t got so gnarly that Stan just went, ‘I’m out.’ That’s fine. That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye. There’s the freakin’ door, you know?”
n. One of two women who fell from the heavens (or the strip-club stage, whatever) to fulfill Sheen’s every need.
“I’m not saying that it’s not true. But I’m laughing. And I’m laughing with the goddesses, I’m laughing with my friends.”
n. Charlie Sheen’s vehicle of choice.
“It’s been a tsunami of media. And I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard. Right off the bat, sorry.”
n. Person who has Twitter account and/or understands how to use the internet.
“You look at some of these retarded zombies, these trolls that roll out of there and heading back for the rock to crawl back under before the sun peeks out — and they’re putting so much stock into the words and the thoughts and, as I have said, the gibberish of fools, and not checking anything with me.”
n. Male witch, like Charlie Sheen.
“We are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom! Print that, people.”
n. The only thing Charlie Sheen is addicted to. Widely believed to be a more potent form of crack cocaine.
“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”