American Idol Recapped: American Idol and rock are mutually exclusive.


It was bad news all around for Michael Sarver (a.k.a. Oil Rigger) last night on Idol. Not only was he forsaken by America and the judges, but he discovered that his brand of gee whiz charm amounts to squat. We say: Don’t fret Sarver. We’re sure they’ll throw a big homecoming parade for you when you arrive back in Who-Ville.

Now, onto some serious business: After reading Lyndsey Parker’s Yahoo! Music blog, we felt inclined to comment. In it, she declares Adam Lambert “a real rocker” and writes that his take on Cash’s “Ring Of Fire” last week was the best Idol performance ever. Sheesh. Where to begin.

First off, American Idol and rock are mutually exclusive. Anyone trying find them liaising together is either delusional or doesn’t really understand what the show is all about. To call any of this season’s contestants “radical” is just plain retarded. Adam is most certainly not “a true rock ‘n roll rebel.” He’s playing the part of a true rock ‘n roll rebel. Last night’s cleaned up version of “Tracks Of My Tears” proves that, just like every other contestant, he’s doing whatever he can to win this thing. And we prefer him this way because THAT’S what the show is all about. It also highlighted what was missing from his past performances (the ones where he was trying to be “different”) – his actual voice, which is pretty good.

Read all about the results below.

8:00: Show opens with a schizophrenic montage of quotes from the judges and mentor Smokey Robinson about last night’s performance.

8:02: Adam apparently ditched his cheap Elvis look for the eyeliner and black nail polish that we’ve all come to hate. I guess taste sticks to him the way Brad stuck with Jen.

8:03: Ouch, Ry-Guy just made fun of the fact that Kara can’t count during his opening: “I’ve got three words for you: Kara DioGuardi.”

8:04: Montage of last night’s show. Lots of hating on the girls’ performances.

8:06: Great clip of Irahetes’ triumphant final note though. Loved it.

8:07: Weird pre-recorded group version of “You Keep Me Hanging On.” I guess the rumors that these numbers are lip-synched are true.

8:08: Um, yeah. Idol isn’t even trying to pretend this performance is live. One minute Adam Lambert is in the background dancing, the next he’s in front of a mic singing. Idol editors need to shape up big time.

8:09: Rounds is getting a lot of solo time during this thing though. The producers must desperately want to her to make up for last night’s performance.

8:13: Oh no. Not anther creepy Ford music video. This one is set to “Pocketful Of Sunshine.” Corkey kind of looks like Natasha Bedingfield though.

8:15: Ruben Studdard is up performing. I thought he worked the drive-thru at Burger King now.

8:16: He looks like he’s been visiting The King a lot at least. I didn’t know they made blazers in that size.

8:18: I didn’t know he was married either. Then again, the Velvet Teddybears’s not really US Weekly cover material, right?

8:19: Idols gush about their experience traveling in a private jet to Detroit. Blah, blah, blah. Let’s get to some results.

8:20: Adam is up first and (big surprise) he’s safe.

8:21: PS: What’s up with Matt G’s weird forehead mole? I cannot believe it, but he’s in the bottom three! Kris Allen is safe though. Seriously? He was way worse than Matt G.

8:22: Lil and Oil Rigger are up together. She cannot be in the bottom three. OK, Rounds is safe. Oil Rigger is bottom three. I guess there is a Jesus.

8:23: Coming up: Duet between Smokey and Joss Stone. Wow, one old performer nobody cares about and one young performer no one cares about. Should be thrilling.

8:27: They’re performing some weird new song called “You’re The One For Me.” Joss looks decent though. We can’t wait to see her play ugly Anne of Cleves in Showtime’s The Tudors.

8:28: Smokey emerges from the side of the stage dressed in a really shiny black suit. What is with Idol pairing the old dudes with the way hotter young girls. If this were real life, a restraining order would be involved.

8:30: This is so awkward. Joss won’t even look him in the eye. I guess she’s as creeped out as I am.

8:31: Abdul should not clap in a sleeveless dress. Can you say “arm jiggle?”

8:35: OK, we’re finding out who will be joining Matt and Oil Rigger in the bottom three. Irahetes is first. Annnnnnnddddd…..she’s safe.

8:36: Anoop is next. He’s safe too.

8:37: Hokey Gokey is up now. The audience cheers. I think we’re stuck with this one. Yep, he’s safe.

8:38: Blind and Corkey are up together now. It’s gotta be Corkey. America wouldn’t vote off a (supposed) handicap. NO WAY. Corkey is safe again????!!!????!!!

8:39: Randy thinks Matt G shouldn’t be up there. Ry-Guy sends Scott back to sit down. It’s now between Oil Rigger and Matt G.

8:44: Ry-Guy asks Simon about the judges save. Simon admits, “They’re there because the public doesn’t like them that much and you can’t change that.” Says he’s going to base whether or not they use the save on their final performances.

8:45: Motown medley by Stevie Wonder. Finally, a real blind person. Paula is, once again, doing her weird dancing behind the judges table.

8:46: Kara’s trying to get in on the dancing action from her chair. Calm down DioGuardi.

8:47: Loving Stevie’s Armani frames.

8:49: Is this over yet? I’d rather just go out and buy Now That’s What I Call Motown.

8:51: Six minutes have now gone by and I’m about to pull a Van Gogh and chop of my ear. Also, there are all these weird pictures of children in the background. It’s like Sally Struthers meets Star Search.

8:52: Now we have to go to a commercial before the results. So unfair!

8:56: “Who will sing for survival tonight,” asks Ry-Guy. It’s Oil Rigger. Knew it. At least there’s some justice.

8:57: There’s no way the judges are going to save him. It appears that Paula’s too busy swaying from side to side to confer with the other judges as to whether or not they’ll save him. Sorry OR, your one possible vote is lost.

8:59: Alright judges: What’s it gonna be?

9:00: Simon makes the final decision to send Oil Rigger packing. Predictable OR montage. That’s all folks. Until next week Idol-aters.