Hey. This conversation isn’t going to be easy, so why don’t you take a seat? We understand as much as the next guy how fun it is to poke around on ridiculous Charlie Sheen websites and tell everyone you know that you’re “WINNING, DUH!,” but we’re starting to worry about you. Charlie Sheen is a powerful drug (just look at what it did to Charlie Sheen the person), and it’s starting to take over your life. It’s time to make a change.
Thankfully, we’ve designed a 12-step program to kick the Charlie Sheen media circus habit with all the love and support of your friends at Flavorwire. Don’t worry, we’re here for you. We can beat this thing together.
1. Let go of the past
Yes, he was pretty cute in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but he is not that person anymore. You want to know what other celebrities were cute when they were younger and are now the absolute worst? Tom Cruise. Dustin Diamond. The Olsen Twins. We could do this all day.
2. Do what you must to discover you have a problem
May we suggest buying a Charlie Sheen slogan T-shirt? You will regret wasting the money in about a minute.
3. Confront the issues masked by the addiction
He has two blonde bimbos in his house. He calls them “the goddesses.” ULTIMATE GROAN.
4. Cut communication lines
And we thought celebrity Guinness World Twitter records couldn’t get any more inane than Ashton Kutcher’s. One word: unfollow.
5. No More Two and A Half Men, Ever
Hopefully you already understood that this show is so aggressively unfunny that it’s even beyond the most ironic, self-aware viewing. But if you’re thinking of checking out an episode just for kicks now that it’s canceled, maybe to see how crazy Charlie is, don’t. The show got millions of viewers somehow and we’re banking on brainwashing. Resist and be strong.
6. Try other Sheens on for size
Martin Sheen was great on The West Wing, and there are seven completely non-detestable seasons of that show! Our personal favorite, though, is probably Emilio Estevez — he’s like our own super-secret Sheen, and liking him gives us an excuse to watch The Mighty Ducks again.
7. Observe the weird subsect of Two and A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre loyalists
Nothing will remind you of how out of control our obsession with Charlie has gotten than realizing that Chuck Lorre, the CBS showrunner who fired Sheen, has over 3,000 supporters telling him to ignore the crazy man. When we have to fluff the ego of a multi-millionaire who’s doing just fine, it’s time to rethink the direction of our cultural attention.
8. Revisit old, beloved memes
There’s nothing like an internet nostalgia trip to remind you that online obsessions are better when they don’t glorify others’ addictions and psychoses. Antoine Dodson didn’t trash any hotel rooms. Keyboard Cat doesn’t treat women like interchangeable objects (well, as far as we know).
9. Focus on a new debate with tons of media buzz
Charlie’s crazy is great and all, but what about turning your attention to something more productive? Planned Parenthood? Libya? Wisconsin? Anything?
10. Forgive yourself
The highest-paid TV actor who has more black marks on his record than we can count doesn’t exactly deserve our cultural spotlight, but it happened. It’s okay. We’re all human.
11. Think about how nice it will be when this is over
12. Google Image search the word “puppies”
If you’ve gone through all 11 steps and still feel fascinated with Charlie Sheen, we don’t know what to tell you. Enjoy the puppies. They’re the strongest medicine the Internet’s got.