A big fat dose of poetic justice was served up on last night’s Idol results show and we couldn’t be giddier. Mere moments after telling Simon she “didn’t care” about his negative comments regarding her performance, Megan “Corkey” Corkrey was kicked off the show, giving everyone’s favorite acerbic Brit the final word: “Let’s not even pretend we’re going to save you. This is your swan song. Enjoy it.” It really doesn’t get much better than this people!
But, we’re urging Corkey not to give up her dreams of being an entertainer just yet. We’ve got some helpful suggestions on new routes her career could take: 1. Starring role in a Lifetime original movie about a mentally-challenged girl who karaokes her way to redemption. Think: Riding on the Bus With My Singing Sister. 2. Spokeswoman for Bali’s new ultra-lift, no-sag bra. 3. Bad girl in Joaquin Phoenix’s first rap video.
Read on for our blow-by-blow recap of the full show.
9:01: Can I begin by asking what is with the new “dramatic” opening show sequences? Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
9:02: Shot of Alexis Grace sitting next to Jason Castro in the audience. There’s some total AI reject lovin’ going on!
9:04: “Paula, you said that Adam shattered expectations last night,” says Ry-Guy. Other things Adam shattered last night: Glass, my eardrums, his momentum from last week’s performance.
9:05: FASHION DISASTER ALERT. Tonight’s offender: Rounds. What is my girl wearing? It’s this weird white top that’s highlighting all the wrong things.
9:06: ANOTHER horrible Ford commercial. These things are so tedious. I’d love to see one where someone runs over Blind with an Expedition.
9:07: Group is singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” with Blind behind keyboard. These results shows are so pointless. From now on, I think they should be 30 seconds long. AI producers can line up all the contestants on stage and just paintball the one going home.
9:08: The rumors are so true: These numbers are totally lip-synched. Blind isn’t even pretending to know where the mic is. He’s literally singing about five inches to the right of it.
9:09: Sorry contestants, I’ve stopped believing.
9:13: Alright, let’s get to it Ry-Guy. D’oh. Lame recap of what the contestants have been up to this week.
9:14: Kris complains that there are too many photographers asking him to pose in different ways. Thanks for showing us how hard you have it Kris. And here I thought being an Idol was all fun and games.
9:15: Scott admits that the Ford video shoots are his favorite part of the week. Ummm…it’s not like he can drive, right?
9:17: “You guys are getting along better than any other Idols of years past,” says Ry-Guy. Yuck.
9:18: Finally, some results. Corkey stands up. Please, please, please. Put her down. Matt G and Kris Allen are up too.
9:19: What is going on? Now Ry-Guy is asking Adam, Rounds, and Allison to stand too. He’s totally messing with us and I’m not sure your average Idol fan can cope with this. All six are in the center of the stage.
9:20: This is madness!!! Scott, Danny, and Anoop are up too. I bet one from each trio is up for elimination.
9:24: Back from commercial and now we have to listen to GD David Cook. Didn’t care about him when he won; don’t care about him now.
9:25: Shot of crusty old woman in the audience singing along. Must be him mom.
9:26: Dude, this song blows.
9:28: Thank God it’s over. Can we get some Gaga up in this piece?
9:29: “We’re going to be on the rode until my hair falls out,” says David C. Um, I wasn’t going to say anything David, but since you brought it up: It looks like that might already be happening.
9:30: No, no, no. I don’t want to watch a sneak peek of the video for David Cook’s new single. I want to see someone’s dreams shattered.
9:34: Back from commercial. OK, I want to see some tears.
9:35: Kris Allen is safe. For now, people. For now.
9:36: Matt G is safe. YES! That must mean Corkey is in the bottom three. Ry-Guy asks her what she thought of Simon’s brutal critique from last night. Corkey’s response: “I love you Simon, but I don’t care.” I really want to see this biatch go down.
9:37: Suck it Corkey: You’re in the bottom three. I guess your “fans” didn’t like your song so much after all. Rounds is up next. Safe. Obvi.
9:38: Verdict on Irahetes: Bottom three! This is such injustice. If she goes home over Corkey, I will haul ass to California and throw down. I guess this means Adam Lambert is safe.
9:39: Guessed it. Scan of his friends reveals some busted queens.
9:40: Hokey Gokey is safe too. It’s between Blind and Egghead Anoop for the last spot in the bottom three.
9:41: “One of these people is safe ladies and gentlemen.” Thanks Ry-Guy. Unlike Kara, we can count. Yep, Anoop it is. I love seeing the cocky contestants go down in flames.
9:42: I wish I had a Megan Corkey voodoo doll. Right now, I’d be screaming at it in a British accent.
9:46: Lady Gaga is performing! Doing a Bohemian Rhapsody version of “Poker Face.”
9:47: Her hair and outfit are off the hook. I knew deep down she was cool.
9:48: Not to be totally gay here, but she is so fierce. Take a lesson Britney, she’s singing and dancing. At the same time.
9:49: Lady Gaga = Savior of dance/pop.
9:50: Judges admit there’s only one of the bottom three worth saving. Alison Iraheta, please report to the judges table to get your save.
9:54: Thank Jesus. Allison is safe! Die Corkey. YES!!!!! Anoop is safe. That means Corkey is ooooooooouuuuuuuttttttt. Sorry Vote For The Worst. Looks like the two of you couldn’t get her through to the next round.
9:55: Simon: “With the greatest respect Megan, when you said you don’t care what I think — neither do we. Let’s not even pretend we’re going to save you. This is your swan song. Enjoy it.” That. Was. Amazing.
9:56: See ya Corkey. Don’t let the Ford Fusion hit your ass on the way out.
9:57: She’s performing an even worse version of her song from last night. Why are Kara and Paula dancing? They hated her last night. Must be the blow.
9:58: Corkey highlights reel. Whatever. As Gordon Ramsey would say: “Piss off you stupid cow.”
9:59: Next week’s lame theme: The top 8 sing songs from the year they were born. Great. I guess Allison Iraheta will be doing “Womanizer.”