According to Vulture, Sex And The City 2 has a release date (May 28, 2010, if you must know) and as much as it pains us to admit this, we’re not excited. (If you’ve been reading this site for a while, you might remember that WE HATED IT.) But, in the spirit of second chances and because we’re still the proud owners of Seasons One, Two and Three on VHS and the following three on DVD, we’re not writing it off just yet. (Remember: Sometimes franchises get better.) After the jump, ten things we hope happen in the sequel; no surprise, they all involve Samantha, the only character who’s still single and presumably still having lots of sex in the city. (As Sarah Jessica has said she wants this one to be a romp, so we like to think that she’d agree. In fact, SJP, if you’re reading this, hire us as screenwriters. Jenny Bicks don’t know from funny.)
1. Samantha should seduce another doorman. To give this an “in this economy” twist, maybe it’s in lieu of a traditional holiday tip. (Before you write in and say that the first doorman was Charlotte’s and that Sam doesn’t have a doorman, think about it: Would she really be living in the Meatpacking District now? Even the trannies have relocated.)
2. Samantha should have pity ex-sex with The Turtle. Again, “in this economy” Wall Street guru Bernie Turtletaub has likely had a fall from grace. And maybe he’s done something to fix that bad breath problem by now.
3. Samantha should accidentally sleep with that same guy for a third time.
4. And then, because she feels guilty about it, she should sleep with the really old guy again. He’s probably an octogenarian by now, which would be a first for her. It’s always good to break new ground and we all know she enjoys sharing Viagra.
5. Sam runs into Sum, who inherited all of super rich Mr. Harvey’s money. Catfight!
6. Samantha dates Chivon again — mostly because we enjoy the way she looks in hoops.
7. Samantha meets someone who trumps funky spunk. Swears off oral sex until she runs into Mr. Pussy, who is still going at it.
8. Samantha admits that the whole fling with Maria was just a ploy to get free art. She sells it all at Christie’s and is rich enough to quit her job and open an amateur wrestling studio where Richard Wright, whose hotels have all gone bankrupt, is a towel boy.
9. Samantha cures cancer.
10. And because all good chick flicks end with a wedding, Sam Jones marries Sam Jones. Friar Fuck officiates. We always knew she’d end up with a younger guy and we always knew it would never be Smith.