American Idol Recapped: "He was born in 1980 and he's the oldest contestant. I'm depressed."

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Eight Is Enough must have been the secret theme of last night’s Idol because if we had to hear even one more vomitous version of some moderate hit from 1986, it would have sent us over the edge. In an attempt to give us something fresh and interesting, some of the contestants waded into uncharted waters — and those waters turned out to be that of a cesspool. The undoubted nadir of the show came when Scott “Blind” McIntyre attempted to play the electric guitar to Survivor’s power ballad “The Search Is Over”. Yup, the search most definitely is over. Scott McIntyre: You are America’s most annoying person.

That’s not say the evening wasn’t without its highlights: Anoop Desai rose from the ashes with a soulful spin on “True Colors” and Matt Giraud reclaimed his title as the show’s reigning R&B king. For more details, read our entire recap below.

8:00: Ry-Guy’s “This Is American Idol” is kind of like the modern-day version of Murrow’s “Good Night, and Good Luck.” At least in his mind it is.

8:01: Weird close-up of some creepy bald man in the audience. He kind of looks like a younger version of that bald guy from the Six Flags commercials.

8:02: Yay!! Sneak peeks of judges as babies. Ouch: Kara was one busted preemie.

8:03: Ry-Guy was pretty gross too. Ha! Paula totally disses his jaundiced ass: “Ryan, did you like carrots when you were a baby.” Harsh Abdul. Harsh.

8:04: OMG, they keep showing the creepy bald man. Is he someone I’m supposed to know about? We’re now reliving the childhood of Hokey Gokey. Footage of his family singing “We Are Family” is being shown. Apparently, they’re all starring in the newest Tyler Perry movie: Madea Goes Postal on Annoying White People.

8:05: HG is doing some jacked up cover of “Stand By Me”. He was born in 1980 and he’s the oldest contestant. Wow, I’m depressed.

8:06: Not loving this performance. Hokey Gokey + World’s Most Overdone Song = Me Giving Up On Life.

8:07: Randy: “This is a vocal talent show and you’ve got some talent.” Kara says he “turned the song on its head and made it his own.”

8:08: Paula says he “set the bar very high.” But I bet not too high for you to reach the gin, Paula. Simon says that it was a great performance. Are they kidding?

8:09: Vote for Danny at 1-866-BARF-MY-BRAINS-OUT.

8:13: Kris Allen is performing next. Tells some awkward story about how he went to the beach and to an amusement park on the contestant’s day off. Day off my ass. That was a totally promotional appearance set up to seem like a day off. Note to contestants: AI producers now own you.

8:14: Kris admits he wanted to be a taxi driver as a child. He would be good on Cash Cab. Doing Don Henley’s “All She Wants To Do Is Dance”.

8:15: Is tonight’s theme Worst Songs Of The Eighties? This is a very forgettable performance. I don’t think the judges will likey.

8:16: Uh-oh, Kara starts off with the dreaded: “I’m a huge, huge Kris fan…” Then, she nails him by saying the song sounded like a bad music class assignment.

8:17: Paula calls him a “likeable contestant.” Ouch. That’s like calling a first date “nice”. Simon says it was “indulgent, boring, and forgettable.” Thank you. Randy and Simon agree that it was a stupid song choice.

8:19: Rounds is up now. She was born in 1984 and apparently Lil is her real first name. It’s short for her Grandmother’s name, which was Lily.

8:20: Shut up!!! She’s doing Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It”. I love me some Tina, but I don’t think this was a wise song choice.

8:21: Aaaaannnnnnddddd….I was right. It’s a little like she’s playing Tina in WLGTDWI Part 2. Makeup looks great though.

8:22: Paula says that the song wasn’t great.

8:23: Simon calls the performance a “second or third-rate Tina Turner.” So worse than this. OMG, I think Rounds is going to start crying.

8:24: The judges are throwing some serious spears at Lil tonight. And I’m not talking Britneys here.

8:25: OK, we all know how much I love Rounds, but she’s got one more week left in her unless she turns things around. I’m very sad about it. The truth hurts sometimes.

8:30: Ry-Guy rakes Anoop across the coals for his snotty-ass attitude.

8:31: Footage of Anoop’s family reveals where he got that attitude: “Looking back at the pictures of Anoop, we always knew he would do something great,” recalls Mrs. Anoop. Mrs. Anoop = Why No Woman Will Ever Please Her Son.

8:32: He’s singing “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. By far the best performance so far tonight. He’s very up and down this season but I like this soulful version he’s doing.

8:33: Wow, he was great. I bet the judges will love him tonight. I was right: Randy says it was a “very nice vocal.” Kara says he took a pop song and interpreted it “with soul.”

8:34: Paula calls his voice magical and adds some lame quote about his “true colors shining through.” Paula’s true color: Hangover puce. Simon liked it but says it wasn’t fantastic. I have to disagree here. I thought he was amazing. And I usually hate him.

8:35: Blind and Iraheta are up next.

8:39: Ry-Guy: “Let’s head to Arizona to get a glimpse into the childhood of Scott.” How about, let’s get into a warm tub and pop open a vein.

8:40: Oh no. He’s at the mic with a guitar singing “The Search is Over”.

8:41: This is making me convulse.

8:42: Kara says he “had some good moments, and some off moments.”

8:43: Paula says, “I was a little confused that you were playing electric guitar.” Blind’s response: “It’s my punk side coming out.” Umm, yeah. Dora The Explorer is more punk that him.

8:44: Simon calls it “horrible.” Randy says the problem was that the performance was “just all OK.”

8:45: Iraheta is up next. Born in 1992. Young Iraheta kind of looks like the singer from 4 Non Blondes.

8:46: Doing Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. LOVE this song. Don’t F it up Iraheta!

8:47: Very mediocre and I was expecting more since she has a raspy voice like Bonnie’s. I think the judges are going to rip her outfit to shreds again too. It’s this weird tiered skirt with ruffles that she’s wearing with a leather jacket that has chains on it.

8:48: Paula says that she “made it all her own.” Simon calls it “very good” but says she needs to be a more likeable.

8:49: Randy says Iraheta reminds him of Kelly Clarkson.

8:50: Wow, nothing about the outfit. I’m shocked. Matt G is up next.

8:54: Matt G = Choir Queen with a really bad Midwestern accent.

8:55: Took Kara’s advice to be more R&B to heart this week. He’s even wearing a fedora and everything.

8:56: Tonight is definitely the return of Matt G. Singing a really soulful version of “Part Time Lover”. Paula is having a seizure/dancing at the judges table.

8:57: Randy: “Vocally, one of the best of the night.” Kara: “Incredible on every level.”

8:58: Simon: “A million times better than last week. Well done.” Adam Lambert will screech the show to its finale.

9:02: Adam’s dad says he didn’t really like sports so much as a child.

9:04: I have no idea what this song is. I’m a little ambivalent about Adam tonight anyways. Don’t like. Don’t hate.

9:05: The last note was painful. Let’s see what the judges think: Simon gives Adam a standing ovation.

9:06: OK, predictions of bottom three: Blind, Iraheta, and Matt G. Blind was the worst performance, but I don’t think America is really rooting for Iraheta or Matt G. We’ll find out tonight!