American Idol Recapped: "Her voice could be used to euthanize strays."


Idol‘s first handicapped contestant got the boot last night in what turned out to be an hour of surprises – most, not so pleasant. We can’t say that we’re too upset about Scott “Blind” McIntyre getting the old heave-ho. From his syrupy versions of adult contemporary snoozers to his sickeningly saccharine back story, we got Type 2 diabetes just from tuning in during his performances.

The majorly sad development: One of our early faves – our girl Lil Rounds – has made her first appearance in the bottom three. While we’re not surprised (her version of What’s Love Got To Do With It was seriously bogus), we’d hate to see her go home as the result of some really uninspired song choices. After all, the girl has got some pipes. Plus, she could give Adam Lambert some great pointers on how to properly apply eye makeup.

Read our full play-by-play of last night’s Idol below.

8:58: Tonight, I’m blogging from the world’s scariest Super 8 motel in Zanesville, OH. I’m on a mini road trip with my better half and this is our first pit stop (with the emphasis on “pit”).

9:00: Just to reiterate, I think Irahetes, Blind, and Matt G will be the bottom three.

9:01: Mario Lopez is in the audience tonight. Apparently, America’s Best Dance Crew hasn’t begun filming their next season yet. HORRIBLE CELEBRITY PERFORMANCE ALERT: Flo Rida and Kellie Pickler are performing tonight.

9:02: Paula is wearing these really long white rubbery-looking gloves tonight. I bet she’s hoping to give Kris Allen a prostate exam after the show.

9:03: In an effort to relive last night’s lame “year you were born” theme, Ry-Guy points out that Frankie Avalon was on top of the charts during the year Simon was born. Note to AI producers: Tween girls have no f**king clue who Frankie Avalon is.

9:04: And now Frankie Avalon is on the Idol stage performing Venus. I guess you really can rise the dead.

9:05: The audience and judges are standing. Again, most are probably pretending to know who he is.

9:06: DioGuardi needs to sit her ass back down. That skirt – or whatever’s going on below her waist – needs to go back to bargain bin hell where it came from.

9:07: Please God. No. The group number tonight is Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”. Is this for real? It’s seriously the worst thing I’ve seen on this show so far. I want it out of my head immediately.

9:08: The contestants sound like an off-key elementary school chorus. Kris Allen and Anoop Desai doing Kylie Minogue = Armageddon.

9:10: That was truly awful. I’m betting that right now Kylie is praying to get cancer again so she can die and turn over in her grave.

9:13: And here comes the worst part of my week: Behind the scenes at the latest AI Ford music video.

9:14: The theme of this week’s lame video is an old vaudevillian magic act/sideshow. Adam: “This is very theatrical, so it’s right up my alley.” Enough about your alley, Adam.

9:15: Yikes. I hope Blind isn’t playing the role of the knife thrower.

9:16: Set to Britney Spears’ “Circus”. Wow, some of the contestants can’t act. Well, can’t act like anything besides an overly earnest Girl Scout, that is.

9:17: The mayor of Kalamazoo, MI is in the audience tonight to support Matt G. Doesn’t he have something better to do? Like being the mayor of Kalamazoo?

9:18: YES! Results time. Adam, Kris, and Anoop are up.

9:19: Judges gush predictably over Adam. Paula “I’m always entranced by your performances.” Um, no Paula. That’s the ‘ludes. Adam is safe. Duh.

9:20: Either Kris or Anoop are in bottom three. It’s got to be Kris. NO WAY: It’s Anoop. I actually thought he was really good last night. Note to America: Kris Allen isn’t that cute. His mouth gets all sorts of funky when he sings.

9:21: Thanks, morbidly obese Midwestern women. Now, we have to endure Kris for one more week.

9:25: Flo Rida is singing his hit “Right Round”. Paula’s head: Spinning right round baby, right round.

9:26: I don’t get why rappers even perform on this show. It can’t be good for their image. And the last thing some mother wants to image her 12-year-old daughter listening to is: “You spin my head right round, right round. When you go down, when you go down down.” This isn’t American Gangsta.

9:27: This performance is totally Kayne, Part II.

9:28: The Flo Rida backup whores/dancers aren’t so great either.

9:29: I can’t wait to see Flo’s awkward interaction with Ry-Guy. Dude, Flo is stacked. He looks like he passes things the size of Ry-Guy in his stool.

9:34: Back to the results: Hokey Gokey is up. He must be safe. Yup. Another duh.

9:35: Uh-oh, Matt G is up. I don’t really think he’s an audience fave so it might be a rough night for him even though his performance was good last night. Spoke too soon. He’s safe.

9:36: Blind is standing. He must be the one in the bottom three. Yup. Finally. Anoop gladly escorts him over to the loser’s section of the stage. He’s probably hoping Blind is his meal ticket out of there.

9:37: Rounds and Irahetes are standing together. Things are not looking good for my girl Rounds.

9:38: SHUT UP! Rounds is in the bottom three for the first time. She can’t go home!!!!

9:39: Simon says there’s one contestant that the judges might consider saving. Like there’s any need to guess who that might be.

9:43: Kellie Pickler is coming up to perform. “Now we’re going to bring back a girl who won the hearts of America during Season 5,” says Ry-Guy. Ummmm, she didn’t win that many hearts: She lost.

9:44: Looks great, but her voice is crapola.

9:45: Kellie Pickler needs to be voted off the island. Right now. She’s like a busted Carrie Underwood tonight.

9:46: Seriously, the best part of this performance is her dress. No wonder this tart didn’t win. Her voice could be used to euthanize strays. (Can’t take full credit for that quip – my friend Lauren texted it to me!)

9:48: Rounds is safe. Thank God. It’s not looking good for Anoop or Blind, though. I don’t think the judges will save either one.

9:51: Sadly, Glee = My life during high school.

9:52: Back to the drama: Blind is going home.

9:53: There may be some backlash but I really don’t think the judges are going to use their save on him.

9:54: It looks like they’re really caucusing during his performance though. Kara and Paula are dancing along. Maybe he’ll win them over.

9:55: Simon doesn’t look convinced though.

9:56: Apparently the judges are split down the middle: Two want him to go; two want him to stay. Three guesses as to who the two saps are that want him to stay (Ahem, Paula and Kara).

9:57: Simon finally makes the decision and it’s to send Blind home. Gross: Opportunistic Hokey Gokey – always the first to exploit someone for his own gain (his dead relatives, the blind contestant who’s going home) – is the first on stage to hug Scott and “wish him well.” Whatever. He just wants the camera time so he can play up his “I’m a nice guy” image. I see right through you HG.

9:58: Blind retrospective.

9:59: Paula gets in a weepy last word to pump up Blind before they send him packing. Until next week fans: That……was American Idol. [Editor’s note: And blogging from a creepy Super 8? That was dedication.]