10 Reasons Pirates ARE NOT Awesome


Yeah, we know: Johnny Depp could Jolly our Roger any day, but outside of Hollywood, pirates aren’t always so awesome. “Talk Like A Pirate Day” notwithstanding, there’s plenty of reasons to rethink society’s obsession with these supposedly lovable scourges (especially in the wake of recent events off the Somali coast). After the jump, 10 reasons why we, as a swashbuckling society, may want to rethink the pirate’s role. If we sink your ship, feel free to weigh in with rebuttals…

10. They don’t abide by the “right is wrong rule.” Seriously, men in too many earrings are soooooo unattractive.

9. The plank goes plunk. While Hollywood has romanticized the “walk the plank” ritual, in reality, pirates were generally more inclined to go the keel-hauling route. Keel hauling? Oh, yeah, that’s the one where you tie someone under the ship and drag them until they die. Why the re-write? Keel hauling wouldn’t have left Peter Pan looking quite so pretty.

8. Their sports teams suck. (Ask any fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates.)

7. They didn’t actually say “Arrrrgh”. Seriously, it’s a lie concocted to sell movie tickets and novelty peg-legs. [via Slate]

6. Imitation is not the best form of flattery. Seriously, it seems like EVERYONE has a terrible Jack Sparrow impersonation (maybe keel-hauling is a good idea after all).

5. Parrot poop is a real problem. Unless you really dredge the deck, you risk exposing yourself to Psittacosis (aka Parrot fever). Present in bird poop, the airborne illness causes fatigue, fever, headache, rash, chills, and even pneumonia.

4. Horizontal stripes are just awful. ‘Nuff said.

3. Sometimes the steal, like, actually important stuff. Unlike the storybooks, pirates aren’t always stealing from assholes. In the case of the Maersk, Alabama, the ship was on its way to Kenya to deliver aid.

2. They fly at half-mast. You’ve heard of whiskey dick, but what about rum? It’s worse. Much worse….

1. Syphilis. Seriously guys: syphilis.