Zack and Kelly, Saved by the Bell
It kills our inner 10-year-old girl to say this, but it must be said. Zack and Kelly were on-again, off-again for years before she conveniently showed up in Zack’s dorm, halfway through the first and only season of Saved by the Bell: The College Years, he courted her (with a few more false starts, of course), and they got married. It’s clear that Kelly’s return was a desperate attempt to revive an ultimately hopeless show. So, while their series-ending wedding went down big with fans, we feel like we need to point out that it was always the thrill of the chase — and, often, competition with another alpha male — that seemed to fuel Zack’s love for Kelly. We imagine our favorite schemer will grow restless now that he’s finally won her over. Plus, we’re pretty sure that if Kelly ever loses her looks, he’s outta there.
Willow and Kennedy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Listen, we like Kennedy. And we love Willow. But we’re sorry to say the decks are stacked against a lifelong romance. For one thing, Willow was on the rebound. And considering she nearly (literally!) destroyed the world to avenge Tara’s death, we feel confident in saying she’s trying to get over the love of her life. So, let’s disregard what happens in the Buffy Season 8 comics, which we have more than a few objections to. Willow needs a bit more time to deal with her own issues before she’s ready to take on anyone else’s.
Ross and Rachel, Friends
Fun fact: Nine out of ten Friends seasons ended with a Ross and Rachel teaser. Guys, they were a plot device — not to mention a ploy to make us care about the two most boring characters on the show. Sure, they have a baby together. And yes, she does that whole “I got off the plane” business at the end of the show. But what makes this reunion so different from any of the others?
Steve and Laura, Family Matters
In case you’ve forgotten, this is how Family Matters ends: NASA buys one Steve Urkel’s inventions, and he goes into space with them to test it. Of course, his gizmo malfunctions. Urkel nearly dies, but astronauts save him. And when our nasal hero returns to Earth, he’s a big hero. He and Laura share a kiss, and we’re to assume the girl and her nerd live happily ever after from there. Let’s be real, though: The minute everyone else stops worshiping Urkel, Laura will come back to her senses and remember why he repulses her.
Donna and David, Beverly Hills, 90210
Like Zack and Kelly, Donna and David were high-school sweethearts who grew apart and then came back together. Donna lost her virginity and opened a boutique, David screwed a lot of trashy girls and developed a drug problem, and everyone learned a very valuable lesson (or something). We’re supposed to believe they were meant to be, but here’s the irreconcilable difference waiting to happen: David is an asshole. And, despite what the new 90210 would have us believe, it’s not going to take a freaking decade for the cracks in their relationship to show.
Ben and Heather, Big Love
So, this was kind of neat. Amanda Seyfried left the show, but the writers wanted to keep Tina Majorino. They accomplished that by hooking Heather up with Ben. Their relationship was rocky: he cheated on her with Rhonda Volmer, of all disgusting people, and she inadvertently ratted out Bill for his “statutory rape” of Margene. Things look bleak for a while, but by the time the curtain falls on the Henricksons, nearly a year after Bill’s murder, the pair are married. Please. There’s too much baggage here, and, frankly, we’ve had too many clues that Ben wants to be a polygamist. Heather will never stand for that.
Carrie and Big, Sex and the City
For heaven’s sake. You know when this should have ended? When they broke up the first time. The Sex and the City finale left us terribly unsatisfied. Why Big? Why not Aidan (in an alternate universe where he wasn’t married with kids)? And why spend two terrible movies pretending there’s something in this mind-fucked relationship worth celebrating? In a world where there weren’t hundreds of millions of dollars to be made by reuniting SJP and Chris Noth over and over again, Carrie and Big would be ancient history. As for whether Carrie would ever be romantically fulfilled, even without him… well, that’s another argument.
Joey and Pacey, Dawson’s Creek
Let’s get this straight, Joey. You got the hell out of Capeside. You’re living in New York with your boyfriend and leading what sounds like a very exciting life. But a trip home makes you realize you’re still in love with not one but two of your high-school boyfriends. Oh dear. And then you pick the one that isn’t your successful, TV-producer soul mate. Uh huh. This should end well. On the bright side, poor Dawson will always have Steven Spielberg.
Micheal and Holly, The Office
There are two major reasons this will never work: 1. Goofy Michael Scott might make a fun novelty date. But could you see yourself waking up next to him every morning? 2. Dunder Mifflin is Michael’s life. Without it, he’ll be a broken man. Mark our words.
April and Andy, Parks and Recreation
Yes, we’re calling this one early. We have nothing but love for April and Andy, but their decision to get married pushed the childish capriciousness too far. Kids, you’re not ready to get married! And the joke is going to get old well before it’s time to file your first joint tax return. A rift is inevitable, on-screen or off.