It’s Star Wars day (“May the fourth be with you”), and as such, today is a time for hardcore fans to shed their social inhibitions and hold long, serious discussions on key Star Wars-related topics. Like: who’s your favorite character? Of course, who you choose probably says as much about you as it does about the films, so in the spirit of the day, we’re stereotyping you (light-heartedly) by your choice. And as ever, our choice is on there, and it fits like a glove.
Luke Skywalker Hopelessly earnest young men who attend church on Sundays and can’t understand why girls just don’t seem to like them.
Wedge Antilles Perennial middle management types who wear ties with short-sleeved shirts.
Yoda Second-generation hippies who do fire-twirling, teach yoga, and go to Burning Man every year without fail.
Obi-Wan Kenobi Serious thespian types who have been to acting school and stuff.
Lando Calrissian Used car salesmen.
Chewbacca Well-meaning but slightly daft aunties who own eight dogs and cats.
Wicket the Ewok Well-meaning but completely daft aunties who own 80 dogs and cats and birds and goats and alpacas, etc.
Greedo People who will happily devote an hour to explaining their rationale for why Han shot first, before moving onto the fact that the government was behind 9/11 and that Osama isn’t really dead, man.
Padmé Amidala Middle-aged housewives who read gossip magazines and Harlequin romance novels.
Han Solo The kids who were cool at school but now somehow find themselves working at Wendy’s.
Boba Fett Engineering students who study aerodynamics and rocketry in the secret hope of one day making that jetpack a reality.
R2-D2 Engineering students under five feet tall.
Mon Mothma Middle-aged Democrat-votin’ female schoolteachers who hike on weekends.
Darth Bane People like that scary guy on the subway with all the piercings and facial tattoos.
Max Rebo Stoners.
Jabba the Hutt Middle-aged men with questionable sexual proclivities who surreptitiously attend S&M clubs while their wife is away on business.
Salacious Crumb The annoying little kid who used to play practical jokes on everyone at school.
Qui-Gon Jinn Any of the three people who actually liked The Phantom Menace.
Nien Nunb People who own endearingly ugly dogs and watch sports to support the team that’s clearly always going to lose.
Tusken Raiders/Storm Troopers/Imperial Guards Arts ‘n’ crafts types who will devote days to their next cosplay outfit.
Mace Windu People from Long Island or Jersey who own Public Enemy’s entire back catalog.
Princess Leia Organa Both a) any heterosexual man born between 1977 and 1983; b) Bikini Kill fans.
Admiral Ackbar That quiet, smart girl from school who somehow landed a job at the United Nations.
Darth Vader People who pretend to like Mayhem and Burzum.
Count Dooku People who can’t quite bring themselves to pretend that they like Mayhem and Burzum.
Emperor Palpatine People who actually do like Mayhem and Burzum.
Jan Dodonna The real fans – the ones who know that Dodonna was the first to say, “May the Force be with you”.
Jar Jar Binks People who we are never, ever, ever speaking to again.