Last night on Idol, the top 7 contestants choked out the theme songs from various movies and the result was an hour of television more boring than Cold Mountain. Plus, guest mentor/judge/all-around crazy person Quentin Tarantino’s advice was about as useful to improving a performance as Renee Zellweger’s Oscar was to her getting better roles. Performance-wise, there were very few highlights. Anoop Desai kept his upward momentum going by giving Bryan Adams’ “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” a nice R&B spin. Otherwise, it was an evening of snoozers.
Our other big problem with last night: The new judging format. Because the show keeps running long, AI producers have decided to cut the judging in half by allowing only two judges to comment on each performance. What a mistake. Most people tune in to hear Simon’s thorny (though usually spot-on) critiques and Paula’s drunken slurring. Our advice: Get rid of Seacrest. It’s his pointless babble/epic entrances down the stairs that are most likely to blame for the show’s long running time. Plus, replacing him would be a cinch. We hear Howdy Doody is available – no one would ever be able to tell the difference.
Read all about last night’s show below.
7:59: Tonight, the top 7 will sing songs from the movies with AI’s most random mentor so far: Quentin Tarantino. What, again, does he know about singing? I guess we’ll find out.
8:00: ROUNDS WEAVE ALERT: Tonight, it’s straight and shoulder-length. It’s kind of like the sisterhood version of the Rachel.
8:02: What is that thing around Abdul’s neck? It’s like a diamond-encrusted leash. Oh wait, its part of the dress.
8:04: There are a lot of fashion misses tonight. What is with Anoop’s weird blazer/Members Only jacket?
8:05: Pointless montage of the three actual movies Quentin has made. And producers wonder why the show is always too long. “It’s his passion for music that gives his movies a distinct twist,” says Ry-Guy. No, it’s his passion for Uma Thurman that gives his movies their distinct twist.
8:06: Idols travel to some random recording studio to meet Quentin on this week’s lame field trip.
8:07: Irahetes is up first. Doing Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing.” Quentin’s ingenious motivational tactic: To sit down and let them sing in front of him the way a “director” does.
8:08: Wow, Idol has gone all out for movie night. There’s a full orchestra and everything. Poor Irahetes needs a new stylist. Desperately. It looks like she belted Amish sack cloth and threw it over some fuchsia pants.
8:10: The audience is going wild though. In reference to Simon, Paula says, “You possess the same authentic sauce he does.” And if anyone knows about hitting the sauce, it’s Abdul.
8:11: Simon calls Allison the girl’s only hope. Uh-oh. Rounds, meet the gauntlet.
8:12: Anoop and Adam are up next.
8:15: Anoop is doing “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You”. Quentin’s great advice, “You need to kill us with a really big vocal.” Maybe, instead, he should kill Quentin with one of those weapons with the spiked ball attached to a chain from Kill Bill.
8:16: Anoop’s start is good. He’s definitely the dark horse of the competition.
8:18: He’s totally bringing the house down tonight. PS: I just ordered Indian food for dinner. Seriously! It must be a sign. Go Anoop!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:19: Randy: “The last couple of weeks, for me, you’ve definitely found your zone. You are rocking the house.” Kara agrees and says it was one of his best vocals.
8:20: You can tell Simon was straining to keep his mouth shut. It was clear he didn’t agree with Randy and Kara. “Who were you think of while you were singing that song,” asks Ry-Guy wistfully.
8:21: Adam is singing “Born To Be Wild” from Easy Rider. Oh God. This is going to be “Play That Funky Music” part two. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wedding reception from hell.
8:22: I’m sorry, but I think he’s totally overrated. It’s just more of the same nasal screeching and lame theatrics.
8:23: Uh-oh, Paula’s been let off her leash. She’s rocking out behind the judges’ table.
8:24: “You dare to dance in the path of greatness,” says Paula. “Fortune rewards the brave,” she adds. It’s the Tao of Abdul.
8:25: Simon hits the nail on the head: “There were parts that seemed a little like the Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Matt G is next.
8:29: Is tonight’s theme really Bryan Adams’ songs? Matt G is doing “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?” from Don Juan DeMarco.
8:31: Quentin: “Don’t lose the enunciation of the lyrics.” Brill Quentin. Brill.
8:32: Matt G is getting behind the piano again. It’s a solid performance, but a little vanilla.
8:33: Ouch. The high notes are a little squeaky. He’s getting off easy though: Randy and Kara are judging him.
8:34: Randy says it wasn’t one of his best performances. Kara agrees. Simon is making faces again.
8:35: Hokey Gokey is next.
8:39: HG reveals that he bought a guitar because he was bored. Taking time off from exploiting dead relatives HG?
8:40: Doing “Endless Love” because it has “special meaning for him.” More like endless promotion. I wish Quentin would cut off Danny’s ear Reservoir Dogs-style.
8:41: This is not good; he’s not really on pitch. Plus, the arrangement with the harp is totally Valley of The Dolls-esque.
8:42: The end was a little better than the beginning but I think Simon is going to slaughter him.
8:43: Paula calls it a “beautiful rendition.” Simon says he was disappointed in the arrangement with the harp (Um, thank you) and the fact that HG did a very traditional version of the song.
8:44: Horrible Kris Allen is next.
8:48: SHUT UP RY-GUY. Let’s get to the performances. Rounds is last and I don’t want DVR viewers to miss her comeback.
8:49: Singing “Falling Slowly” from Once. Gross. This song is so bad.
8:50: My vomit is churning slowly.
8:51: I think he’s wearing girl jeans. Randy says the performance never caught on for him. Kara totally disagrees and says it was one of his best moments. Really Kara? What a fool.
8:52: Rounds is finishing the night with “The Rose”. I’m excited/nervous for this. It could be her Emancipation of Rounds moment or it could be her Glitter moment.
8:56: OK, it’s now 4 minutes before 9 and Rounds still hasn’t performed. Apparently, this whole two-judges-comment-at-a-time thing doesn’t work.
8:57: She looks great. Let’s see how she does.
8:58: The performance is OK. Not stellar, but not as bad as last week. I did like the gospel moments, but I wish there were more of them. She needs to show off her pipes more — they are what differentiate her from the rest of the contestants.
8:59: She definitely redeemed herself tonight. I’m not sure how much good it will do her though.
9:00: Simon called it too soft and too middle of the road and Rounds has had it. She’s gets all up in his face about how she thinks she took the song and gave it a Rounds-style spin. Simon’s final verdict: “But it’s a Bette Midler song.”
9:01: I didn’t think Rounds was that bad and the judges definitely have her unfairly pegged. Unless it’s a song by Mary J. Blige, they say they don’t know who she is as a performer.
9:02: My predictions on bottom three: Matt G, Irahetes, and Rounds.