Now that summer movie season is in full swing, we at Flavorwire feel it is our obligation to help you navigate the week’s new theatrical releases. Going to the movies is an expensive proposition, what with the inflated ticket costs, extra charge for 3D, extra charge for IMAX, extra charge for RPX (anyone know what RPX actually is?), and gourmet restaurant-priced concessions. Nobody likes blowing that kind of change on a turkey, so we’ve worked up a simple, three-question quiz to help you determine which of the weekend’s films best fits your personality type. It’ll be fun! Take the quiz after the jump, and then peruse this week’s new picture shows with us.
Please select your ideal pre-dinner meal. a) Beer, wings, shot of Jaeger. b) Pizza and ice cream! c) That depends. Is it organic?
Which of the following artists are on your iPod? a) Katy Perry, Black Eyed Peas, and um, I don’t know how that Nickelback got on there. b) Kidz Bop! c) Times New Viking, Wavves, and the Go-Gos (ironically).
After the movie, you’ll most likely… a) consumer more beer, wings, shots of Jaeger. b) have to go to bed! It’s past my bedtime. c) go to a diner for coffee and pie to argue for several hours over the film’s Christ symbolism and man-vs.-nature themes.
If you most frequently chose A, go see:
The Hangover Part II
Director: Todd Phillips
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis, Ed Helms, Ken Jeong, Paul Giamatti
The Headline: Second Verse, Same as the First
Target Audience: People who liked The Hangover a lot and would like to see it replicated as closely as possible; facial tattoo aficionados.
The Critics Cheer: “Using the original as a template, The Hangover Part II colors within the lines, but does so with bright fluorescents rather than drab primaries.” — James Berardinelli
The Critics Jeer: “One of the most uninspired and unoriginal sequels you’ll ever see. Or not see, if you’re lucky.” — Richard Roeper
If you most frequently chose B, go see:
Kung Fu Panda 2
Director: Jennifer Yuh
Starring: Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Jackie Chan, Seth Rogen, Dustin Hoffman, Jean-Claude Van Damme
The Headline: Sca-Deuce
Target Audience: Kids; adults who prefer their Jack Black in fluffy, CG-animated panda form.
The Critics Cheer: “Has a bright palette, an amiable vibe and enough vivacity to keep kids entertained and any accompanying moms from bolting for Bridesmaids.” –– Richard Corliss
The Critics Jeer: “Alas, this time there are about three or four mild laughs in the whole picture, and the entire visual aspect of the movie is a botched disappointment.” – Mick LaSalle
If you chose C, go see:
The Tree of Life
Director: Terrence Malick
Starring: Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Jessica Chastain
The Headline: Pretty Pictures, Pretty People
Target Audience: Philosophy graduate students; Cinema Theory graduate students; people who think Brad Pitt is hotter without those weird beards he always has in real life.
The Critics Cheer: “Daring in concept, occasionally daffy in execution and ultimately unforgettable, Mr. Malick’s film offers a heartfelt answer to the question of where we humans belong- with each other, on this planet, bound by love.” – Joe Morgenstern
The Critics Jeer: “Are you looking for serious philosophizing, fluid filmmaking and stunning images? Or are satisfying drama and deep emotional connection what draws you in? Ideally you would have both, but that is not the case here.” – Kenneth Turan