Jane Lynch’s 25 Funniest Zingers as Sue Sylvester


It’s official! According to Entertainment Weekly, Jane Lynch will be hosting this year’s Emmy Awards on September 18th. Her official statement in response to the news (“I am tickled pink to be hosting the Primetime Emmys. I’m looking forward to singing, dancing and sporting my finest tracksuit”) reminds us a bit of something her on-screen alter ego Sue Sylvester would say. Which makes sense — while Lynch has made a career out of playing quirky characters in films like The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Best in Show, and other TV shows, like Party Down, it’s arguably the multiple award-winning role of McKinley High’s masochistic cheerleading coach that made her into a household name. That’s why in celebration of the good news, we’ve rounded up some of our favorite Sue Sylvester zingers after the jump. Be sure to add any that we’ve missed in the comments!

“You may be two of the stupidest teens I’ve ever encountered—and that’s saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to Sarah Palin.”

“That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching, and that includes an elementary-school production of Hair.”

“’I will no longer be carrying around photo ID. Know why? People should know who I am.”

“You don’t deserve the power of Madonna…. Simply put, you have all the sexuality of all those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate.”

“So you like show tunes. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re awful.”

“I might buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby’s ass.”

“Here I am, about to turn 30, and I’ve sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens.”

”I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves that live in your hair.”

“I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.”

“I, for one, think intimacy has no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.”

“Even if your team has dropped their sequin-covered panties and urinated all over the stage like an elderly Carol Channing, they literally could not have done worse.”

“I’m reasonably confident you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you’re no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian. Love ya like a sister.”

“We’re dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It’s like mother’s milk to them. Without it, their bones won’t grow properly.”

“Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually ambiguous horror villain.”

“You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard.”

“What’s that smell? It’s coffee. It’s usually masked by the smell of fear.”

“Less than 24 hours after my plan to replace all chairs with sharp poles, in my war against sitting… I need a cause.”

“The two of you are making a mistake, the likes of which have not been seen since the Mexicans sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross.”

“You wear more vests than the cast of Blossom.”

“If your students wanna praise God, I suggest they enroll in Sweet Holy Mother of God Academy on St. Jesus Street.”

“People who dress like librarians? All sex addicts.”

“I can’t suspend someone for shoving you into a locker. He’ll just say he tripped and accidentally pushed you. I use that excuse all the time.”

“I thought you might wanna put all of out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.”

“I hate hospitals, William. That’s why I kept voting for those death panels.”

“Now we can get all HMO up in your glee hole or you can tell me who put you up to spiking the punch bowl.”