American Idol Recapped: Adam Lambert is the Anti-Christ.


Fasten your gold sequin seat belts bitches: Its disco week on Idol. Yup, that’s right. Last night’s show took us back in time to an era when Times Square was synonymous with Bianca Jagger doing lines off her compact instead of overweight families from Long Island waddling down 42nd Street to see Mary Poppins. Sigh. But I digress. Surprisingly, the performances weren’t nearly as heinous as they were on other, seemingly benign theme weeks (See: digital downloads night). We heard a touch of salsa from Kris Allen, some anthem rock from Irahetes, and, of course, more eardrum-piercing screeches from Adam Lambert.

But unfortunately, unlike Gloria Gaynor, our girl Rounds will most definitely not survive. Her uninspired version of Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman” was pretty much the signature on her death certificate. We’re not quite sure where it all went wrong, but she’s been on the decline ever since the semi-finals. Week after painfully disappointing week we tried to stay optimistic, but now it’s pretty safe to say AI has turned into a one-woman competition. We’re sad about it too. Now, the closest thing we have to a soulful diva with a crop cut and a heart of gold is Anoop.

For all of the detail on last night’s show, read on.

8:00: Recap of last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was an historic week. The judges used their amazing save and Matt G and his mole are still around.

8:01: I’m really upset with Ry-Guy tonight. I was kind of hoping to see him in a Welcome Back Kotter wig and a leisure suit in honor of the theme.

8:02: I wonder who is this weeks’ mentor is? Donna Summer would be fab.

8:03: Wow, they are getting right to the action tonight: Rounds is up first doing Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman.” This may have been a huge mistake on Rounds’ part. Ms. Khan is a tough act to follow.

8:04: Loving the sick bodysuit she’s wearing though. It’s very Blaxploitation.

8:05: Decent. Certainly not the comeback she needed. But solid, I think. Let’s see if the judges agree.

8:06: Ruh-roh. Randy says it didn’t show what kind of artist she is. Ouch. Kara says that Rounds has been “every woman on that stage, except herself.” Thanks Kara, but after-school specials were in the ’80s, not the ’70s.

8:07: OK, you know you’re in trouble when even Paula doesn’t like it. Tonight, there is some serious hatin’ on Rounds. Simon thinks it will be her last week. The cameras cut to Rounds’s mom. Holy shiz: She looks like she wants to bust a cap in him.

8:08: Rounds sasses the panel big time. It’s seeming a little desperate though. On the bright side: Her earrings are out of control. They’re like gold hula hoops.

8:09: After those harsh words, methinks Rounds has lil chance of moving onto next week.

8:10: I’m very impressed that AI producers took my advice from last week. They cut out all the crappy filler about mentors and field trips so they could give all four judges time to comment on each contestant.

8:12: Oh God. Kris Allen, his guitar, and his lame lopsided smile are back. He’s singing “She Works Hard For The Money” by Donna Summer. Hmmm…I’m definitely intrigued.

8:13: I despise Kris Allen and all he stands for, but this is a really unique take on the song though. I’m definitely liking his performance. It has a slightly Latin feel with the bongo drums.

8:14: I think the judges are going to lurv this.

8:15: Even though I’d love to see Kris gonged off this show, I’m definitely feeling him tonight.

8:16: Kara tells Kris he took a risk with the arrangement and it definitely paid off. I totally agree. In an oddly lucid moment, Paula says “It had a nice Santana feel.” Woops, spoke too soon. She’s back with some incoherent babble about how “many men don’t shop in the women’s department, but you did a great job with it tonight.” Is she calling Kris a trannie?

8:17: Simon calls it “original, well-thought out, and fantastic.” Randy follows up with an “amazing.”

8:18: Irahetes and Hokey Gokey are next.

8:22: Hokey Gokey is doing “September” by Earth Wind and Fire. Also, could be a mistake. Not a slow sappy song, so it might be hard for him to bring up his dead wife during the judges’ comments.

8:23: Eek. This is terrible – and it’s one of my favorite disco songs. The arrangement is super bogus — very Jersey Shore wedding.

8:24: In the name of all that is holy, PLEASE stop dancing during your performances HG.

8:25: Randy says he “turned it into something that really worked for him tonight.” Is he serious? Shut it, dawg.

8:26: Kara calls HG an “incredible vocalist.” Says his performance was “solid.” Paula tries to take HG’s dead wife’s place: “You have one of the sexiest voices.” Gross Abdul.

8:27: Simon “didn’t get any start power from the performance.” Deems it “awkward and clumsy.” Hallelujah.

8:28: Donna Summer Performance #2: Irahetes with “Hot Stuff.” What the F is she wearing? Her leather corset is so tight, I can see her belly button. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Idol stylists = The Devil.

8:29: Seriously, her outfit is NOT hot stuff. More like ill-fitting, spangly stuff.

8:30: Randy calls the arrangement “overindulgent” but says she “can really sing.” Kara agrees with Randy about the arrangement. Overindulgent? Have they heard Adam Lambert sing before?

8:31: Paula says her last note “hit it off the charts.” Simon calls her performance brilliant. I’m going with Simon on this one.

8:32: GD Adam Lambert is next.

8:36: As much as I detest Adam Lambert, I’m really curious to see what he’s going to do. Alright, he’s singing “If I Can’t Have You” by Yvonne Elliman.

8:37: His voice sounds good, but the arrangement is totally chees-ola. What is with those weird sounds in the background?

8:38: And the screeching commences.

8:39: Let the gush-fest begin: Randy says Adam is “hot tonight.” Kara calls him “brilliant and inspiring.” The end times are here. Adam Lambert is the Anti-Christ. He’s bewitched the judges. We’re next.

8:40: “I never question my visceral response when I see you perform. Tonight, I felt your pain and your vulnerability. Its as if you tore your heart out and left it on the stage.” Three guess who spouted off that load of crap.

8:41: Simon calls the performance “original.” Matt G and the mole are up next. Maybe they should do a duet. YES! They could do “No More Tears (Enough Is Enough)” by Donna Summer and Barbra Streisand.

8:46: He’s doing “Stayin’ Alive.” Not bad. I wish the arrangement were a little more modern-sounding though.

8:47: Matt G needs to realize that in order for him to even have a chance at winning the ticker tape in his brain should always read: “What would Justin Timberlake Do?” This performance doesn’t cut it.

8:48: I don’t know how the judges will react but I’m fearful for him tonight. Randy didn’t like the song choice or arrangement but says “he can really sing.”

8:49: Kara calls it a solid performance. Paula says he’s staying. Alive, Paula?

8:50: Simon says it wasn’t original and that it sounded desperate. Anoop is next. These two are neck and neck. He might be Matt G’s saving grace or his demise.

8:54: Donna Summer #3: “Dim All The Lights” by Anoop. Doing a kind of Craig David version of the song. I definitely like it.

8:56: This is totally the end of Matt G. Anoop is actually pretty good tonight.

8:57: Randy is like a broken record tonight: Hated the arrangement but loved the voice again. Kara liked the beat. Says she thought it could be on the radio now and that he’s hitting his stride.

8:58: Paula says he hit the magical zone. Umm, more like you want him to hit your magical zone Abdul. Simon says it was “mediocre at best.” Says it was a horrible version of the song. Calls it his worst performance by a mile.

8:59: Phone number recap. OK, bottom three: Rounds, Matt G, and Anoop. Going home: Rounds and Matt G.