Unfortunately for soulful sisters everywhere (and the gay white boys that love them), last night was the end of the road for our one-time golden girl Lil Rounds. As we predicted, America sent her packing following her final-nail-in-the-coffin performance of “I’m Every Woman”. [Editor’s note: I’ve got a conspiracy theory. J-Hud was the sixth Idol kicked off of her season, too…] To commemorate the occasion and help us cope with our grief, we’ve written this haiku in her honor:
Rounds, you are the Queen Your booty is super fly Please don’t leave us now
Read on for all the heart-wrenching details of last night’s show. 8:59: OK, just to refresh: I think Rounds, Matt G, and Anoop are in the bottom three and I think Rounds and Matt G. are out.
9:00: Super dramatic montage of last night.
9:01: I wonder who is performing tonight. I hope someone good.
9:02: Nope. David Archuleta.
9:03: Apparently Abdul choreographed tonight’s group number. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall during those rehearsals. Score, it looks like the cameras are going to take us behind the scenes.
9:04: “This week the contestants got to experience choreography on a whole new level,” says Ry-Guy. Yeah, a gin-soaked one.
9:05: “I like to think of myself as a good dancer, but I don’t think anyone agrees with me,” says Hokey Gokey.
9:06: Surprisingly, Matt G is by far the worst dancer. This group number is badly lip synched. On the bright side: The contestants finally sound decent.
9:07: Kris Allen attempting disco moves = Steve Wozniak on Dancing With The Stars.
9:08: Adam Lambert was actually good. Must have been those jazz classes he took to play the lead in some community theater’s production of Godspell.
9:09: OMG, Abdul’s dress is SUPER short tonight. Be careful, Paula. Ain’t nobody wanna see that.
9:12: Oh great. Ry-Guy has to “kill time” while the girls change for their elimination outfits. This should be tedious.
9:13: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Ford music video. This sux. It’s a working theme. I have no idea what the song is, but its tuuuurrrrrible.
9:14: Dim the lights for results time. FINALLY! Rounds is up first. She looks worried. Earrings, once again, are out of control.
9:16: Wow, no final three or nothing. Ry-Guy just gets straight to it and serves Rounds her walking papers. She gives one final performance as my eyes well up. Who do I root for now?
9:17: This is so sad. She’s actually got a great voice. She’s just gotten some really bad advice on song choice, I guess.
9:18: Paula says, “What a classy way to go, singing on top of your game.” Randy says this is “just the beginning.”
9:19: Simon and Kara are continue with the fond sendoffs.
9:23: Disco medley by crusty old ’70s musicians. Freda Payne starts by signing her hit “Band of Gold”. Dude, I’m in payne. I think her hack-job face lift is preventing her from singing well.
9:24: Please, someone put this batch out of her misery.
9:25: It’s really bad when the guest performers would be kicked off the actual show during the auditions if they were contestants.
9:26: Thelma Houston keeps the geriatric love going with her hit “Don’t Leave Me This Way”. The layers of yellow chiffon are disturbingly short in front. What is with the old ladies and their short dresses tonight?
9:27: Note to AI producers: Wrinkled disco stars do not a good guest performance make.
9:28: KC of KC and the Sunshine Band is up next. This is going to be sooooo bad. He’s looking super rough. This is like Tony Soprano does disco.
9:29: Where is Donna Summer? Why couldn’t they get her?
9:30: Thank God: A commercial.
9:34: Kris Allen is up now for results. He’ll be safe.
9:35: Yup. Safe. PS: I hate his wife.
9:36: Adam Lambert is standing. Blech. Barf. Puke. Safe.
9:37: HG is up now. Ry-Guy asks him what he thought about Simon’s comments that his performance last night was clumsy. “I meditated a lot on it and I think I know what you were talking about. I think I figured it out.” He “meditated” on it? Who does he think he is, Madonna?
9:38: HG is safe. Again, duh. Anoop is now up. He’s bottom three. No surprises here, but I think Matt G is going home.
9:39: Irahetes and Matt G are standing together.
9:40: “I went and arranged the song myself to try to make it original,” says Matt G of his performance last night. Note to Matt G: Leave it up to the suits in the background holding your puppet strings to determine what’s original from now on.
9:41: WHAT THE F!! Irahetes is in the bottom three. NO WAY.
9:45: David Arch is performing now and he’s as awkward and pre-pubescent as ever.
9:46: Are there people out there who really think he’s not gay?
9:48: Can we have the half-dead disco stars back? Please? David Archuleta = the reason teenage girls suck.
9:49: Awkward moment when Ry-Guy takes Arch over to Irahetes and Anoop to “encourage” them.
9:50: Arch spouts off some babble about how some contestants didn’t need to go all the way to live their dreams. Isn’t that the slogan of abstinence-only educators?
9:54: OK, who is it going to be between Anoop and Irahetes???
9:55: Anoop is going home. He does NOT look happy. I’m bummed for him. I thought his performance was so much better than HG’s and Matt G’s.
9:57: “I’m really disappointed but on the bright side I get to go back to Chapel Hill,” says Anoop. That’s the bright side?
9:58: Rounds and Anoop recap. I’d be so pissed if I had to share my dramatic recap with someone else.