R.I.P. Bea Arthur: We’ll Always Love You, Dorothy Zbornak


Where were you this weekend when you heard the news? We were having some afternoon beers when we got a text that Bea Arthur had passed away at 86. Word spread through the patio like wildfire, and pretty soon everyone looked like they’d just found out that their own grandmother had died. Most of us grew up on The Golden Girls. We watched it as kids, never realizing how freaking dirty it was. Then we watched it as adults, and wondered what in the hell our parents were thinking, given how freaking dirty it was. After the jump we honor Bea by counting down ten of our favorite Dorothy quotes. Yes, we know she was way more than one role (in fact, we were traumatized by a clip of her as abortion-seeking-Maude on the Today Show this morning), but she’ll always be our Pussycat.

10. Blanche: Anything can happen on a leap year’s full moon if you just believe. Dorothy: [clapping] Oh I do believe, I do believe in sluts!

9. Dorothy: Rose, there is no such thing as a U.F.O. Rose: They were probably looking for someone to bring up to the ship. Dorothy: Fine, then you stay out here, flag them down if they fly by again. I’ll go inside and pack a bag. Rose: But I want to be the one to go! Dorothy: Whose bag do you think I’m going to pack?

8. Dorothy: Ma, you can’t sing, you can’t dance, you can’t tell jokes, you can’t be in the show. Sophia: You can’t be in the show, you can’t be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?

7. Blanche: [a man in his 20s has invited Blanche out to dinner] You know what I think, I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk I’m gonna got out with him this Saturday night. Dorothy: Was there ever any doubt? Blanche: Momentarily. This is strictly off the record but – Dirk’s nearly five years younger than I am. Dorothy: In what Blanche, dog years?

6. Rose: How was the sex? Dorothy: So good we named it!

5. Dorothy: I’m still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker. Rose: That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf’s most famous matchmaker… Dorothy: Oh, please Rose! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck!… And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.

4. Dorothy: Hey… you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. I did time in Attica. Prostitute in Jail: Attica’s a men’s prison! Dorothy: I know. I was there a year before they found out. Prostitute in Jail: [backing down] Sorry, lady. Didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers. Blanche: Dorothy, that was amazing, how did you do that? Dorothy: I taught in the public school system. It’s really not that different.

3. Blanche: Dorothy, at 2 a.m. in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth. Rose: You think that’s bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from “Peter Pan.” Dorothy: What the hell goes on in this house at night?

2. Sophia: Jean is a lesbian. Blanche: What’s so bad about that? Sophia: You’re not surprised? Blanche: Well I haven’t known any personally but ain’t Danny Thomas one? Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.

1. Dorothy: I don’t believe this. I mean this has to be the most depressing day of my life. First Edna McCarthy’s funeral now this. Blanche: You know, being at her funeral today made me start thinking about how quiclky life can pass you by. Maybe I oughta do something more adventurous in my life. Dorothy: More adventurous! The Kama Sutra had to publish a supplement because of you! Blanche: I’m not talking about men. I’m talking about things I’ve always wanted to do but never got around to trying. Dorothy, didn’t you have something you wanted to do? Some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner? Dorothy: Mm-hm. I awlays wanted to try a nudist camp. Stationmaster: [overhearing] Some big pots belong on the back burner. Dorothy: [to Stationmaster] Uh, don’t you have a cousin you should be dating?

Also: This skit was so awesome that it almost made our heads explode. We feel like it deserves revisiting now.