American Idol Recapped: Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

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Danny “Hokey Gokey” Gokey, the cheesiest thing to come out of Wisconsin since sharp cheddar, was served his walking papers on American Idol’s anti-climactic semi-final closer. The one downside is that we’re stuck with Adam Lambert for another week. But, hey, at least we don’t have to watch HG make that queer heart shape with his hands anymore.

The real star of the evening was HG’s best friend Jamar (remember him from Hollywood week?). We thought he got a total bum rap when he was cut from the competition before it even really began and watching his lame friend advance to the top three must have been tough. After all, wasn’t it Gore Vidal who said, “Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.” Well, we’re happy to welcome you back to the land of living Jamar!

Read all the details on HG’s semi-final bloodbath below.

8:59: Why is Ben Stiller on my TV and what has he done with Ryan Seacrest? Oh, he’s doing a comedic take on the opening to AI to plug his crappy Night At The Museum sequel.

9:00: Not so comedic. Now Hank Azaria, a guy whose name I don’t know, and the fat kid from Superbad are joining Ben on screen. This just keeps getting more hilarious.

9:01: Let’s move it along fellas. I want to see one of these tools go home.

9:02: Pan of the audience reveals Kevin Bacon. I guess now that Will & Grace is off the air, he doesn’t have much else to do. Shot of judges table reveals an empty space where Paula should be sitting. Rehab, perhaps?

9:03: According to Ry-Guy, one million votes separated the top 2 tonight. I bet it’s HG and Adam Lambert. ABDUL UPDATE: She’s back and is wearing this weird lace bustier. She looks like the maid character in a fetish video.

9:04: Do we still have to endure these crappy Ford music videos? This week’s is a weird cartoon with the three guys singing “Break My Stride” while using their magical powers to fight off dogs and clouds. So bad.

9:05: Another Idol Gives Back update. SNORE. (But I’ve learned my malaria lesson, Chris.) Alicia Keys comes on stage looking hot though. Close-up shot reveals she has mad arm hair. It’s literally sticking straight up. Ew. Get a Smooth Away girl.

9:05: Alicia tells us that to donate to Idol Gives Back you have to text “Alive” to some random number. Creepy!

9:06: Some African child named Noah is performing now.

9:07: I nominate him to win the sha-bang. He’s a waaaaay better dancer than Hokey Gokey.

9:08: Instrumental interlude has Noah busting a move. He’d better be careful. Madonna is watching and she’s hungry for another son.

9:10: More hometown horror with the contestants to come after the commercial break.

9:14: Another pan of the audience reveals booted contestants like Anoop and Alexis Grace. Is this some kind of torture the AI producers have cooked up for them? Hokey Gokey is called to the stage and one final shot of the audience reveals some wrinkled old woman holding a “Danny, this cougar loves you” sign. Damn you, Demi Moore. Damn you.

9:15: HG travels back to Milwaukee see his friend Jamar who got booted from the show. “From a few months ago to now is like tragedy to triumph for me,” spews HG. I can’t take this anymore.

9:16: HG greeting his fans = my worst nightmare. You know his friend Jamar wants to kill him right now.

9:17: Milwaukee hosts a Hokey Gokey parade. He starts bawling. Gag reflex initiated. Seriously, a steamed pork dumpling just shot out of my mouth.

9:18: Lame speech about dead wife to commence in 5…4…3…2…1…

9:19: Lights are dimmed to reveal HG’s fate. Sneaky Ry-Guy tricks us and sends HG to the couch, revealing nothing. Kris is on stage next.

9:20: Kris is from Conway, AR, and upon his return home he’s given free cheese dip for life from a local restaurant. Is that poetic justice or is that poetic justice?

9:21: Kris makes a trip to a local news station punctuating the belief that news anchors are, indeed, the lamest people on earth.

9:23: Kris and his wife ride in parade together. Ten bucks he Josh Duhamels her ass in about a month. On a side note: I feel really bad for the rotund 53-year-old woman who had to plan all these parades.

9:24: Conway names a day in April “Kris Allen Day.” What if he doesn’t win? Then that town has a day in April named after some sad American Idol runner-up. Bad move Conway.

9:25: Lights are dimmed and Kris is sent over to the couch to join HG, again revealing nothing. Commercial break: Jordin Sparks is up next.

9:30: Jordin is performing her new single Battlefield. Apparently on her battlefield there’s a lot of stage fog involved.

9:31: Wow, this is bad. But Jordin’s looking pretty bootylicious. And her hair is amazing.

9:32: I can’t tell if she’s singing “getch ur mama” or “bitcherama.” Either way, this song blows.

9:33: Oh, she’s saying “you’d better go get your armor.” I’d say that’s about right. I certainly needed something to protect my ears during that song.

9:37: Adam Lambert hits the stage. Anoop cheers for him. What’s up with that?

9:38: Apparently, during Adam’s hometown visit a girl took her top off and rushed the stage.

9:39: Dude, he is such a queen. Girls with braces are so dumb.

9:40: We’re now revisiting Adam’s theater days by traveling to the stage he performed on in high school. Small children are waiting there to meet him/ask Adam questions about what’s like to be a performer.

9:41: Adam Lambert Day is declared in San Diego. Again, might be too preemptive. Adam goes to Air Corps Station and screeches out the National Anthem. Seriously, don’t ask and I won’t tell.

9:43: Lights are getting dimmed and Adam is sent to the couch with Kris and Danny, revealing nothing for the THIRD time. Katy Perry is performing next and I’m kinda psyched.

9:47: Pan of the audience reveals Megan “Corkey” Corkrey. There’s a face I thought I’d never have to see again.

9:48: Katy is performing Waking Up in Vegas from her debut album. I actually really like this song.

9:49: Katy has a deer-in-headlights look on her face and her voice is really warbly and bad.

9:50: America’s standards for live entertainment are so superbly low. And… shot of Katy’s cheeks hanging out of her onesie outfit.

9:51: Adam, of course, is dancing along.

9:52: The finalists are being FINALLY being announced after the break.

9:56: We’re back. Another shot of Kevin Bacon. Who cares, let’s get to some results.

9:57: First finalist is Kris Allen. Holy crap!!!! It’s down to Adam and Hokey Gokey. This could be the moment I’ve been waiting for. Adam could be sent packing.

9:58: Nope, Hokey Gokey gets the boot. I can’t believe it. Retrospective of HG commences and it focuses on…surprise….his dead wife Sophia.

9:59: As more of this retrospective is revealed, I become more glad that he’s gone. Now at least we won’t have to hear any more of his fortune cookie wisdom.

10:01: He’s singing “You Are So Beautiful” again. Someone get the stage cane and yank this joker already.

10:02: Next weeks if FINALS time. Be sure to tune in!