Don’t worry, this isn’t an intervention. And I’m not talking about those morning-after regrets – that’s the Foggy Monocle‘s business. I’m referring to those terrible decisions that people make when they sit down and order the kind of god-awful drink that makes you think their last bar experience was at Senor Frog’s. After the jump, we dig into the dumbest cocktails in existence.
Dumb Cocktails: Most bars have these (T.G.I. Friday’s stocks them exclusively). They’re easy to create: pick a salacious or punny name and then choose a few random items that vaguely relate to the name , then add vodka. And that, my friends, is how Los Angeles’s One Group invented the Naughty Schoolgirl: Stoli Razberi, lemonade, raspberry-flavored sugar on the rim, and a lollipop. These are the drinks they serve while shooting To Catch a Predator.
Giant Glasses: This might not seem like a big deal at first. Cocktail glasses used to hold about 4.5 oz, whereas nowadays they often carry 12 oz. Larger glasses = larger drinks, right? Yes, but those drinks are usually in the Cosmo family, and halfway down your drink has gone warm. Stick with smaller glassware, and reward yourself with stronger, colder drinks. Try this column’s patron saint, The Third Rail: 1/3 rum, 1/3 calvados, 1/3 brandy, dash of absinthe, shaken with ice and strained.
Mass-market Mixers: Is it really that hard to squeeze a lemon for sour mix? And why does using an antifreeze-colored mixer in a plastic bottle mean that you don’t need good ol’ Triple Sec for margaritas? If you really want a margarita with the consistency of a Slurpee – and come July everyone does — then pick up some lime sorbet and combine it with Triple Sec and a decent (100% agave) tequila. You may avoid some of the hangover by picking a good tequila. And it just might be the only good decision you make all night.