Are you a victim of society’s silly implication that Halloween is the only appropriate holiday for rejoicing in cheesy horror films? Have you been scrambling to watch as many outlandish scary flicks as possible before this spooky season’s end? Slow down, freak-loving folks, we have a solution that will keep your Halloween hunger satiated all year round. That’s right — horror films for every holiday! Can’t decide what to watch with your extended family after Thanksgiving football? ThanksKilling will be a great after-supper snack. Bought a whole king cake for your mouth but nothing for your eyes? Mardi Gras Massacre should do the trick. We’ve got something for all your New Year’s, Hanukkah, and Memorial Day horror needs after the jump.
Unless you’ve gotten lost on Netflix and face-to-face with a murderous, foulmouthed turkey (like we did), you probably haven’t experienced the mess that is ThanksKilling. Make sure all your Thanksgiving goodies are digested before watching this gross flick, then pick your post-dinner viewing companions wisely — preferably those family members who are cool with unnecessary nudity and vulgarity.
This flick’s release date is TBD, but hopefully Hanukkah will be here by the time the holiday rolls around. The horror fiends over at Bloody Disgusting got the lowdown on Eben McGarr’s film:
Obediah Lazarus is the son of Judah Lazarus, the original Hannukiller. In 1983, Judah terrorized NY for seven nights and was preparing to sacrifice his eight year old son, Obediah, on the eighth night. Judah was convinced it was God’s will, like Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice his only son to God. Luckily for Obediah, police tracked Judah down and stopped the sacrifice, but Judah was gunned down in the process. Warped by hatred with no guidance, Obediah Lazarus becomes a religious extremist, intolerant of non-Jews, ‘bad Jews,’ and those he perceives to be enemies of the Jewish faith. He is about to unleash eight nights of horror. A group of Jewish teens are getting ready to party for the holidays, but are in for a Festival of Frights. With the help of a wise Rabbi, they deduce that the murder victims have violated Judaic law and that their only chance at survival is to embrace their faith.
Festival of Frights? Count us in.
Black Christmas (2006)
The new version of Black Christmas is a remake of a 1974 film of the same name, but with less acclaim and more Michelle Trachtenberg. Billy, a psychopathic killer, arrives at his former home to inflict upon the sorority sisters who inhabit it some torture — with a Christmas twist. Make room between your annual viewings of It’s a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street, folks, because Harriet the Spy wants to spook you.
New Year’s Evil (1980)
In the classic cheesy slasher New Year’s Evil, a lunatic calls into a punk-rock icon’s New Year’s countdown to warn the world of his plans — to commit murder at midnight. Evil, as we come to know him, proceeds to do just that, snatching up “naughty girls” and interrupting their wild party plans. There was even an AC/DC-esque jam written purely for the ’80s film, so if you don’t have time to watch New Year’s Evil this December 30th, you can at least rock out to some Shadow at your party.
Have you ever suspected that a high-school outcast would go crazy, don a cupid mask, and try to physically break your heart? Yeah, we haven’t either, but naturally there’s a Valentine’s Day-themed movie with precisely this plot. If you’re single, feel free to watch Valentine this February 14th. You’ll be too busy mourning Denise Richards’ career to even think about mourning your love life.
President’s Day (2010)
What better way to celebrate President’s Day than with a cheesy slasher about a guy dressed like Lincoln? With an ax? Killing students because of a high school election? “Hail to the chief… or he’ll hack you to pieces.” Nice one.
Mardi Gras Massacre (1978)
Can’t make it to New Orleans this February? Cheer up — there are other ways to celebrate Mardi Gras. You can, for example, toss strands of beads at random attractive girls in your own tame town, or you can kick back and enjoy some “Mardi Gras, masks, and murder” by means of 1978’s Mardi Gras Massacre.
Does watching Jennifer Aniston getting attacked by a leprechaun sound like fun to you? Good, because Leprechaun is our suggestion for your St. Patrick’s Day flick. Grab a Guinness and enjoy as a little green guy wreaks havoc on an unlucky family after his pot of gold is stolen.
Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)
Before there was ThanksKilling, there was Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!, a film for you and your peeps to enjoy. And by “peeps” we mean your yellow marshmallow candies, not your people. We’re not sure if your grandparents would be up for this silly 2006 thriller after an Easter service.
Uncle Sam (1997)
Here’s a Fourth of July winner. A Gulf War veteran-zombie tortures a small town after hooligans set an American flag aflame at his graveyard. This 1997 thriller teaches us the importance of patriotism — love your country, or a dead guy in an Uncle Sam costume will fill your mouth with fireworks.