The first trailer for the millionth American Pie sequel, American Reunion, has been making the rounds over the past few days, and lots of attention has been paid to its raunchiness. Frankly, though, the clip neither impresses nor scandalizes us. Sure, there’s Jason Biggs caught in yet another masturbation-related debacle — a dead giveaway that the new movie is nothing more than another attempt to cash in on old jokes and poor character development. Despite being disappointing, the trailer did get us thinking about how some of our other favorite teen movie characters might have fared in the past decade or two. After the jump, we revisit everyone from Cher Horowitz to Lucas from Empire Records to find out where they are now.
Mark Hunter, Pump Up the Volume
After they inspired a thousand teen-run pirate radio stations and got released from jail (they were, after all, minors), Mark Hunter and The Eat Me, Beat Me Lady had a pretty hot and heavy fling. But, unsurprisingly, they were not meant to be. By the time Mark graduated, he’d endured an explosive break-up (you can probably imagine how harsh her post-split notes to him were) and emerged a shrewder, more sophisticated young man. Like many young, hip, attractive young outcasts, he found a tribe of his own in college, where he eventually helmed the campus radio station and studied adolescent psychology — a result of how deeply affected he was by his high-school classmate’s suicide. A few years later, after completing some graduate work, he had his own syndicated advice show. Yes, Mark Hunter basically grew up to be Frasier. Sorry.
Cher Horowitz, Clueless
Everything looked just ducky for Cher and her stepbrother/boyfriend Josh the last time we checked in with them. (Note: Clueless the TV show is not canon.) And you know what? They totally were meant to be. Once Cher had charmed her way through higher ed and the couple convinced their family that their relationship wasn’t kind of gross and pseudo-incestuous, they had an enormous, over-the-top wedding that Josh, frankly, found embarrassing. The bridesmaids wore plaid. Dionne was like 45 by then and had been married three times, but she took the title “Maid of Honor” in stride. Since Josh was too interested in saving the environment and stuff to be the kind of lawyer who actually, you know, makes money, it was up to Cher to support her own lavish lifestyle. Ever the resourceful entrepreneur, she founded a combination personal shopping/matchmaking business catering to very wealthy women. It was an immediate success — and that outfit-selector computer program she had back in high school? It’s now a best-selling iPhone app.
Lucas, Empire Records
By the end of Empire Records, most of our characters got the resolution they were looking for: Corey and AJ got together, Gina realized her dream of singing with a band, and Joe bought the store off of Mitchell at a bargain-basement price. But what of Lucas, the enigmatic, quotable fuck-up with a troubled past who nearly drove the final nail into the independent music mecca’s coffin? Well, because Joe is a masochist, he hired Lucas back as assistant manager of the new and improved Empire Records. Although he didn’t lose his unpredictable streak, he did study up on Texas Hold ‘Em and began using his inscrutable affect to his advantage in Atlantic City. These days, Lucas is traveling with the World Poker Tour, vinyl fetishists travel from all over the country to dig through Empire’s crates — and, like many other chain CD stores, Music Town recently filed for bankruptcy.
Laney Boggs, She’s All That
Laney may have been the weird girl in high school, but the balance of power totally shifted when she got to art school, mostly because she was never actually strange or ugly in the first place. Suddenly, she was the “hot art chick” that her own awkward classmates worshipped and frat guys from neighboring colleges tried to woo with promises of cheap beer. So she said good-bye to Zach and his stupid hair, embraced the radical feminist wing of the ’70s conceptual art movement, and started making provocative, text-based pieces inspired by her bizarre high-school transformation. These days, she’s a darling of the Williamsburg art scene, and bloggers like to argue about whether her work is brilliant or “derivative hipster bullshit.”
Preston Myers, Can’t Hardly Wait
The final scenes of Can’t Hardly Wait actually gave us a glimpse into the characters’ futures: “Seven hours later, Preston finally got on a train to Boston. Amanda wrote him a letter for every day that he was away. They are still together.” Well, that was 1998. Thirteen years later, we’re sorry to say that Preston — who, you will recall, was planning to study fiction with Kurt Vonnegut — totally blew it less than a year into their relationship. So badly did he miss Amanda while they were away at their respective colleges that he wrote some humiliating love poetry to her in his freshman creative writing seminar. His professor, unfortunately, loved his sonnets, and one thing led to another, and soon Preston had revealed the mushiest secrets of the couple’s sex life in the pages of The New Yorker. And that was basically it for Amanda.
Kat Stratford, 10 Things I Hate About You
Thankfully, soon after Amanda dumped him, Preston met fellow poet Kat Stratford at a campus open mic. They got together quickly, and while she’s far too liberated for marriage, they’ve cohabitated ever since. Now there’s a woman who knows how to appreciate a sensitive man! Sure, they’ve had a bit of career rivalry, but now that each is ensconced in a different yet equally special academic niche, they’re generally pretty supportive of each other’s endeavors.
Telly, Kids
Dead. And good riddance!
Kathryn Merteuil, Cruel Intentions
Speaking of villains, Kathryn may have gotten hers when Cecile distributed Sebastian’s secret diary to her many minions. But it’s not that easy to ruin a rich New York high-school girl. She simply transferred to a New England boarding school, where her ruthless social engineering and cocaine connections rocketed her back to the top of the food chain. Our sources vary on whether she ended up going to Harvard Business School or just spent four years hopping from bed to bed in Cambridge, but either way she came out of the experience with enough clout to get a plum job on Wall Street. By now, she’s been the CEO of at least five different corrupt shadow-corporations. Kathryn has a penthouse in Manhattan and a country estate in Connecticut, where she keeps all 18 of her sex slaves. Even though a few are women, she calls them all “Sebastian.”
Stevo, SLC Punk!
Speaking of Harvard — yes, ambivalent punk rocker Stevo did eventually matriculate there for law school, washed the Manic Panic out of his hair, got a job at a corporate firm, and married Summer Phoenix. But, as all things are cyclical, he gave in to a mid-life crisis on the eve of his 35th birthday. Once he had quit his job and divorced Summer, he moved back to Salt Lake City and started up a brand-new punk band, which he named Heroin Bob in memory of his fallen friend. They’ve played a lot of abandoned warehouses and church basements — and we’re pretty sure we saw Stevo at Occupy Wall Street a few days ago.
Courtney Shayne, Jawbreaker
Our last glimpse Courtney Shayne found Reagan High School’s meanest mean girl having her very own Carrie-at-the-prom moment. Sadly, things only went downhill from there for the girl who killed the teen dream. After serving a few years for manslaughter, she was cast out of her parents’ fancy house and forced to sell her still-nubile body for rent money. Eventually, because you can’t keep a conniving bitch down, she worked her way up from streetwalker to successful madam. And somewhere along the way, she crossed paths again with Marilyn Manson. They are very, very happy together, and their sex life is as satisfyingly creepy as ever.