After over two hours of Gitmo-style torture complete with pathetic performances, tiresome video montages, and guest appearances from the music industry’s G list, Fox finally revealed this season’s winner of American Idol: Kris Allen. We swear we heard dogs everywhere let out a collective sigh of relief. While we couldn’t care less whether KAllen becomes a big star or the next host of MTV’s Tool Academy, we’re over the moon that Adam Lambert’s been brought back down to earth. We’re not sure what we’ll do without his shrieks reverberating in our ears (we may even sleep again), but we’re oh-so-happy he’s been silenced. For now.
In honor of the finale, we’d like to offer a little advice to the some of our favorite contestants — since most of them undoubtedly already have record deals. To jump-start their careers, here’s a title suggestion for their debut albums:
Scott McIntyre – I Can See Clearly Now (My Talent is Gone)
Anoop Desai – Anoop, There It Is
Adam Lambert – Bohemian Crapsody
Matt Giraud – My Bumps
Danny Gokey – I Would Do Anything To Win (Even Pimp My Dead Wife)
What about you flavorful readers? What did you think of last night’s AI season finale? Did KAllen deserve to win? Was Adam Lambert robbed? Let us know what you think and read on for our last (sniff, sniff) American Idol recap.
7:58: I can’t believe I have to sit here for two hours to watch a contestant I don’t really care about win a show I’m kinda bored with. Damn you Flavorwire.com!
8:00: Mom and Dad are watching with me. Hopefully one of them will smack me awake if I doze off.
8:01: Kris and Adam are wearing all-white ensembles tonight. It’s very alternative wedding on the beach. Pan of audience reveals plastic-face Janice Dickinson.
8:02: God America! Get a life. Apparently, just under 100 MILLION VOTES were cast last night.
8:03: Lame Randy montage reveals the 500 trillion times he said “for me” during his comments. PS: What the H is up with his oversized velvet bow tie?
8:04: Painful montages continue with Kara saying “sweetie” and “honey.” Paula’s montage shows her barely choking out her words during the comments after each performance. SURPRISE. She hadn’t swallowed her pills yet. Her dress is pretty hot tonight though. It’s a little taupe beaded number. Work it Abdul.
8:05: Simon montage is him looking clueless and say “what” a lot. Kill me now.
8:06: Kris and Adam come onstage and first technical flub of the evening takes place: Their mics don’t work properly. Now why couldn’t that have happened all season during Adam’s performances?
8:07: The camera in Arkansas (where Kris Allen is from) reveals some tragic host with porn star lips interviewing Kris fans in Conway. Carly Smithson is hosting with Adam fans in San Diego. Didn’t she have an Irish accent last season?
8:08: Top 13 are performing Pink’s So What. So what is right. I never thought I’d have to see these jokers again….and white is NOT Michael Sarver’s color.
8:09: Just when we thought the painful group numbers were over, they’re back with a vengeance. I forgot how bad Blind was. What is with the lame marching band arrangement too?
8:10: Jasmine Murray tries belting; “tries” being the operative word here. Phew: A commercial break. This is going to be a long night people.
8:14: Back from the break and we have to listen to David Cook again. He’s singing his new single Permanent.
8:15: Stage is bathed in a weird green light. This song is going to leave permanent scars on my brain.
8:16: I hope David still knows how to mix a whisky sour because I think his bartending skills may come in handy six months from now when he’s a singing waiter at a karoke bar.
8:18: Shot of Justin Guarini from season one reveals he is in the audience tonight too and his ‘fro is back.
8:20: There’s an awards portion of the show? It’s called The Golden Idol award? Gag me.
8:21: Ahhh, I see. It’s a parody of the worst performances/craziest contestants of the season. I’m starting to like this. Two first nominees in the male category are guys from the auditions whom I don’t remember. They’re really bad though.
8:22: Elijah Scarlett is the next nominee. I DO remember him. He was the one with the really low voice. Some guy who auditioned with a really bad version of Simply Red’s Stars is the fourth nominee.
8:23: Last is Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle. He’s totally going to win! Yup, he’s got it.
8:24: Ok, Nick this award is a JOKE. We don’t need a speech. Now he launches into a reprise of the Dreamgirls song he did at the beginning of the season.
8:25: He would make a killer drag queen. First duet of evening is Queen Latifah and my FAVE GIRL Rounds singing Cue The Rain.
8:26: Note to Queen: Fire your stylist. The black onesie is not working. Even Dad agrees. She kind a looks like black Grimace. She sounds awful too.
8:28: Cue the commercial please. I’m so ready for this to be over.
8:33: We’re back from commercial and Anoop and Alexis Grace are singing I’m Yours with Jason Mraz.
8:34: Jasom Mraz = Every Douche You’ve Ever Gone to High School.
8:35: Pointless performance #2 concludes. This is longer than Gone With The Wind.
8:36: Next up: A horrible Kris Allen montage showing his journey on Idol. We saw this already. Can you just tell us who wins?
8:37: Kris and Keith Urban are singing Kiss a Girl. I’ve got something for Kris to kiss alright.
8:38: I’m starting to think the fact that he’s so similar to David Cook could be bad news for Kris.
8:39: Dude, Keith Urban is jacked. I guess picking himself off the floor and out of his own vomit is good for his biceps.
8:41: Why are people giving their performance a standing ovation? Probably because they’re afraid of getting DVT after sitting in their chairs for so long.
8:44: All the girls from the Top 13 are singing Fergie’s Glamorous. Alexis Grace has a weird headband in her hair.
8:45: Fergie comes on stage to join them.
8:46: Her hair is super ratty and her voice is terrible too. Dress is killer though.
8:47: Black Eyed Peas join Fergie as Megan “Corkey” Corkrey does some weird dance in the aisles. Is this AI or the trailer for Dance Flick?
8:48: AI technical flub #2: BEPs get cut out for a minute.
8:49: What’s with the weird black and white striped mimes in the background? This is all getting a little too A Clockwork Orange for me.
8:50: Fashion Alert: Fergie’s got some hot Louboutin’s on tonight too! Love them! Golden Idols awards continue with the Best Attitude trophy.
8:51: Bikini Girl is first nominee. Alexis Cohen is next. I don’t remember her, but she gives Simon the finger during auditions so I like her.
8:52: Tiffany Shed is next. Don’t remember her either. Very tragic. I’m starting to love these awards.
8:53: Bikini Girl wins. She’s totally had her boobs done. They’re HUGE. And she’s really really really really tan.
8:54: She starts to perform Mariah’s Vision of Love.
8:55: Kara comes onstage and starts singing with her (the two of them had a tumultuous episode when Bikini Girl sang this during auditions the first time). NO WAY. Kara rips open her dress to reveal that she’s wearing a bikini. Mom: “That was friggin’ awesome.” I totally agree.
8:56: This was Kara’s best moment of the season. I take back everything mean I ever said about her. I LOVE her tonight. Great bod too.
8:59: Irahetes is performing Time After Time with Cyndi Lauper. I loves me some Cyndi.
9:01: Cyndi’s weave is great and she’s definitely had some Botox too. This is pretty good, I guess.
9:03: I think Cyndi’s having low blood sugar. She’s doing these weird yodel-like yelps and flailing about.
9:04: Kris Allen’s parents are being interviewed. Blah, blah, blah…don’t care. Now we have to check in with Adam’s parents.
9:05: Hokey Gokey is performing now. He’s singing Hello by Lionel Ritchie. Hello to you too HG: You suck.
9:06: Lionel Ritchie comes onstage to join HG. I think he’s wearing Adam’s jacket from last night. Maybe Nicole is hiding under there.
9:07: I don’t know what this next song is that they are performing but I’ve had stomach viruses that have been less painful.
9:08: Why are they STILL onstage?
9:09: Pan of audience shows Ruben “Velveeta Teddybear” Studdard in the audience. Watch out HG, he’s licking his lips.
9:15: Adam montage. I’m puking.
9:16: Adam is up now and wearing a black leather suit with these weird crystal wings. It’s very Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
9:17: Kiss comes onstage to perform with Adam. Oh PUKE!!!!!!!!!!!
9:19: There’s just really nothing to say about this. I guess it’s OK. Kiss members are so old and crusty they can’t even break their guitars on the stage anymore.
9:25: After the commercial break Carlos Santana comes on stage to perform. I wonder who he’s performing with. I bet Matt Giraud.
9:26: Yup, I was right. He’s singing Black Magic Woman. I think that’s the name anyways.
9:27: The rest of the Idols come onstage to join. Mom asks, “Where’s the Blind guy?” Dad: “He just fell.”
9:28: Heather Locklear is the audience. Dad: “Ooh, I guess she’s out of jail.” Another pan reveals Camryn Manheim AGAIN. Doesn’t she anything better to do?
9:29: Final Ford music video is a montage of all the past ones. HATE IT.
9:30: David Cook gives both Adam and Kris a 2010 Ford Fusion hybrid. “This is beautiful, quite the vehicle,” says Adam. Yeah, Adam: A Ford Fusion hybrid. Really rock and roll.
9:31: Pointless performance #576: Steve Martin playing the banjo with Michael Sarver and Corkey singing.
9:32: I think Corkey’s voice has actually gotten worse since she was kicked off. Hate them both. Hate this performance. Twenty-eight minutes and counting people……
9:38: Back from another break and the guys are singing If You think I’m Sexy. The answer is a definite NO. Watching Blind do this song is so tragilarious.
9:40: OH NO. Rod Stewart is coming on stage. Rod, give it up. OMG: He literally just tripped on stage. Get the walker people!
9:41: Seriously, when you get to a certain age it’s time to say, “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll be watching from home.” Someone please tell this to Rod.
9:42: I’m pretty sure that tonight’s lineup of guest performers haven’t been on a stage together since The Ed Sullivan Show was on the air.
9:43: Mom, Dad, and I groan as Janice D hits the screen.
9:44: Outstanding female award is up next. First nominee is some sad girl singing Without You. Don’t know the second girl either but she’s singing such a bad version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow that I didn’t even know what song it was at first.
9:45: Third nominee is another girl I don’t know/care about. Tatiana is last.
9:46: Tatiana wins and her and Ry-Guy do a lame cat and mouse game where he tells her the show is out of time and she can’t perform and she does anyways. Knuck, knuck, knuck.
9:52: “In a few short minutes either Kris Allen or Adam Lambert will walk away with the title,” exclaims Ry-Guy. Umm, yeah: That’s what you said about eight hours again Ry.
9:53: Are you kidding me with this? Kris and Adam are singing We Are the Champions. Queen is onstage performing with a queen.
9:54: I know there’s only six minutes left but I might have to turn off the TV and give up right now. This is HORRIBLE.
9:59: Before the results Ry-Guy checks in with Simon. Simon says he thought they were both brilliant and incredibly nice people. Oh please. Let’s get on with it.
10:00: Some man from a company called Telescope walks on stage with the official results.
10:01: The lights are dimmed. And the winner is…………….
10:02: KRIS ALLEN. Woah, this is CRAZY.
10:03: There is a God and he is GOOOOOOOODDDDD.
10:04: Kris sings that horrible No Boundaries song. I just started hating Kara again. They totally lowered the key for him though and it does sound better.
10:06: That’s all folks. It’s been great blogging AI for you all. See you in January of 2010.