Angsty Hippies Rejoice: The Beatles: Rock Band!

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Rock Band, in addition to providing hours of entertainment for talentless children, is a virtual means of living out one’s dream of rock stardom. (We’re more a Guitar Hero kind of office.) The latest installment in the series is The Beatles: Rock Band. While previous Rock Bands harnessed Gen X anthems (Radiohead’s “Creep,” Nivana’s “In Bloom,” etc.), the new game is clearly targeted for angsty hippie mamas and papas who “sold out.” Oh fine, the videogame is also geared towards the rest of the world, which seems to unanimously agree on The Beatles’ greatness.

The game’s story mode aspires to take “fans on an interactive, experiential journey through The Beatles career,” all while incorporating three-part harmonies. These lofty goals then beg following questions: Does ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’ really stand for LSD? and Was this brilliant, yet inherently self-destructive group the right band to make to make into a video game, let alone an “interactive, experiential journey?”

Imagine all the plot holes that would occur as this game attempts to chronicle The Beatles’ career from 1963 to 1969. A truly faithful Rock Band game would incorporate microphone bong hits and a “hit a Beetle” option, where you smack the drum pad when another Beetle is pissing you off (and this often occurred). There would also need to be moments when you can, as Lennon and McCartney, hate on George Harrison’s songs by pushing his buttons a.k.a. your controller, and times when you shout uncontrollably into the microphone whenever Yoko Ono walks in room. “I HATE YOU!!!!”

Yoko Ono, seemingly unaware of these impending complications, has fully endorsed the game.

This realistic version of “The Beatles: Rock Band” would be the most controversial videogame news item since Sub Zero lobbed off a few heads in Mortal Kombat. But sadly it’s not real. And that is why you are going to play an extremely watered-down version of The Beatles come next September.