Today, Nerve published a list of the 20 Sexiest Ugly People, a group whose homeliness in no way precludes their hotness. Huh? You know, like Woody Allen. Ooooh. They promised to follow up with the other side of the contrarian coin, but we thought we’d get a jump on things with the following list of people that are technically good-looking, but for various reasons, completely repulsive.
1. Zac Efron – We suspect that Disney engineers designed him using an algorithm based on teen- and tween-age girls’ sweat glands. Good-looking, definitely, but we most certainly do not want a piece of that.
2. The entire U.S. Men’s Olympic Swimming team – Man, these guys always looked so hot, glistening poolside. Until they opened their mouths.
3. Jessica Biel – This actress’s main talent is wearing clothes that make her butt look good and complaining about not being taken seriously. We think her butt will win an acting award before she does.
4. Tom Cruise – America used to be nuts for this golden boy. From Top Gun to Mission Impossible, he could do no wrong. Then, in the span of a few months, he went crazy on Oprah, called a Today Show host “glib,” started dating the half-his-age Katie Holmes… and yeah, we lost that loving feeling. He still looks good, but we can’t get past his obnoxious personality.
5. Speidi – Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag aren’t bad-looking, per se. If you catch Spencer on a day when he’s shaved, he’s actually kind of cute. And under all that silicon, so is Heidi. Too bad they bring out the ugliest in each other.
6. Julie Andrews – She’s aged remarkably well. But we wouldn’t call her sexy — even circa Mary Poppins.
7. Jessica Simpson – And no, not because she got “fat.” We’ve just never found her half as comely as her father Joe seems to.
OK, so we’re still a little shy of Nerve’s 20. Help us out and chime in with your own nominations in the comments.