5 Headlines from the Last 24 Hours That Shouldn’t Be Funny But Are

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1. South Carolina funeral home closed after dismembering corpse to fit casket [via Count On 2] Why this IS Funny: The corpse in question was buried back in 2004. Why this ISN’t Funny: “…a funeral home employee used an electric saw to cut off James Hines’ lower legs so he would fit in a casket that he was too tall for.” Barf. Also, they were only fined $1500. Doesn’t that seem too nice?

2. Amid hard times, an influx in real superheroes [via CNN] Why this IS Funny: The superheroes’ names include, Mr. Xtreme, Mr. Ravenblade, and Geist. Why this ISN’t Funny: Superhero cape wedgies. Also, if it weren’t for them, a woman would be both raped and mugged. Where is the 5-0 when you need them?

3. Inside story of Somali pirate attack [via BBC] Why this IS funny: “I <33 Johnny Depp” – Samantha, 14, Long Island Why this IS funny: “Shit, I thought pirates didn’t exist anymore!!” -Ryan, 19, New York. Pirates can also kill you.

4. Alligator found in store [via CNN] Why this IS funny: A man, in addition to storing dangerous explosives in his store basement, also had a baby alligator living down there. It even had a cute little pool all to itself. Why this ISN’T funny: Not only could this man blow you up, but also, if he wanted, have his alligators eat you. Now that’s talent.

5. Fury at school ‘mock hanging’ [via BBC] Why this IS funny: High school students thought creating a “mock hanging” was a fantastic idea. Why this ISN’T funny: The mock hangee slipped and almost hung himself.