This holiday season, Patrón Tequila came up with a great way to give something to your friends without emptying your wallet. With the “If” Tag app, you can select from a variety of hypothetical scenarios (such as, “If aliens invade, zombies attack, or the robots rise up, you’d be the John Connor to my Kyle Reese), and then select a friend who gets the honor of being your first choice for the gig. You can add a personal message, and then post the whole award right to your friend’s Facebook wall. We were having so much fun with it, in fact, that we decided to take it one step further and pick our top celebrity choices for a number of the “If” scenarios. Click through to see who came out on top for our editors, and why each pop-culture pick made the grade. And if you want to play too, just choose a scenario yourself and tell us who you want in on it in the comments.
Caroline Stanley, Flavorwire Managing Editor
If I were invited to a royal wedding and (obviously) needed to look the part, I’d pick you to design my fascinator.
Philip Treacy, the hat designer behind Princess Beatrice’s scene-stealing fascinator, might be the obvious choice here, but I’d probably ring up Project Runway alum Chris March. As anyone who has watched his new Bravo show Mad Fashion can attest, March is no stranger to coming up with extremely over-the-top ideas on the spot. Plus, he just seems like he’d be so much fun to hang out with.
If I could meet up for a nightcap with anyone in the world tonight, it’d be you.
Tina Fey, hands down. After reading her memoir, Bossypants, I feel like I already know Fey, so there wouldn’t have to be all of that awkward small talk. We could just leap right in to the good stuff — as in, I’d just sit there all googly-eyed and she could tell me more hilarious, self-deprecating stories about her fantastic life as one of the most powerful women in Hollywood.
If I were a mild-mannered reporter by day, but a kick-ass superhero by night, you’re the only one I’d trust with my secret.
If anyone could sympathize with the idea of juggling multiple identities, it would be Stephen Colbert. Plus, I think that he would make the perfect sidekick.
Emily Temple, Flavorwire Weekend Editor
If I had a year to travel and a pair of first-class round-the-world tickets, your name would be on one of them.
John Jeremiah Sullivan, whose recent book of essays already made me feel like I was traveling around the world with him. Not only would he know exactly where to go, he’d be a treasure trove of information — not to mention that he’d probably be able to to hook us up with the very best in cave guides.
If I were approached to star in a reality show about my day-to-day life, I’d want you to co-star.
Beyoncé, obviously. Mostly because that would mean that she would bring all her gloriousness to my day-to-day life, but also so that I could get the scoop on everything baby-bump related and possibly become best friends with Jay-Z. Plus, she’s probably one of the only people I’d really love to watch a reality show about — but she’s way too classy to star in one in real life.
If I had the ability to trade wardrobes with anyone, yours is the one I’d want.
Ryan Gosling. Yes, I know he’s a guy, but I really think I could make all those Ferragamo smoking jackets and velvet loafers work for me.
Tom Hawking, Flavorwire Contributing Editor
If I had the ability to trade wardrobes with anyone, yours is the one I’d want.
The late, great, and sartorially incomparable Rowland S. Howard, the only man who could lend a well-cut suit and pink shirt an air of danger and dissipated glamor.
If I could meet up for a nightcap with anyone in the world tonight, it’d be you.
I’d settle for a nightcap, morning coffee, mid-afternoon cup of tea, or transcendental meditation session with the endlessly fascinating Mr. David Lynch.
If I were starting a band destined for megastardom, I’d definitely want you along for the ride.
It’d have to be EMA, who has more genuine star quality in her left big toe than most of today’s mannered performers accumulate in a career’s worth of studying rock-star moves.
Judy Berman, Flavorwire Deputy Editor
If I’m cast away on a tropical island, I hope you survive too and keep me company.
John Waters. He’s a filmmaker, writer, stand-up comedian, and connoisseur of everything from music to “outsider porn.” So it wouldn’t get boring, would it?
If aliens invade, zombies attack, or the robots rise up, you’d be the John Connor to my Kyle Reese.
You might pick someone tough for this role, but personally, I’d want someone strange enough to scare the invaders away — or at least convince them she’s one of their own. No one looked more like an alien this year than Nicki Minaj (and Lady Gaga and Katy Perry didn’t make the competition easy), so I’m going with her.
If I could meet up for a nightcap with anyone in the world tonight, it’d be you.
David Bowie. I mean, if you’re going to dream, dream big, right?
Alison Nastasi, Flavorwire Night Editor
If I could meet up for a nightcap with anyone in the world tonight, it’d be you.
James Bond is synonymous with the vodka martini, but he’s also known for using the “nightcap” line far too many times with the ladies. Daniel Craig’s Bond (appearing in the upcoming Skyfall) would totally down tequila shots like a champ, too. Plus, we really need to chat about that unfortunate title for the new movie.
If aliens invade, zombies attack, or the robots rise up, you’d be the John Connor to my Kyle Reese.
If chins could kill, I’d want Bruce Campbell’s Ash (from the Evil Dead series) on my side during the impending apocalypse. The guy knows how to operate a chainsaw, has already fought an Army of Darkness, and would at least make me laugh hysterically while the zombies are trying to tear us apart.
If I were a mild-mannered reporter by day, but a kick-ass superhero by night, you’re the only one I’d trust with my secret.
Despite the bazillions of leaked Dark Knight Rises set photos circulating this year, I’d still trust Christian Bale’s Batman, because, duh.
Doug Levy, Flavorpill Senior Editor
If I had a year to travel and a pair of first-class round-the-world tickets, your name would be on one of them.
Ewan McGregor is a veteran traveler with an extreme sense of adventure, as evidenced by his Long Way Round documentary series, which featured his international journeys with buddy Charley Boorman. Given his experience, I’d probably trust him to set the itinerary — not to mention the fact that hanging with someone as interesting as Ewan would be awesome pretty much anywhere.
If I’m cast away on a tropical island, I hope you survive too and keep me company.
Choosing someone from the cast of LOST may be a bit obvious, but I was personally obsessed with the show, so I’m going with it anyway. Plus, after all that time on the fictional island, Evangeline Lilly would at least be familiar with the scenario. And, you know, she seems like she’d be fun to spend time with. Platonically, of course. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
If I could invest a million dollars in anyone, I’d bet it on you and your big brain.
It’s not like author extraordinaire Neil Gaiman is in need of recognition — he’s been on many the bestseller list, has legions of fans, and even snagged himself the title of “British Fonzie” on The Simpsons — but with the recent launch of his Kickstarter campaign with wife Amanda Palmer, it’s obvious that even the most successful of artists can often use an influx of cash. I could never put a price on what Neil has given me with his stories, so I’m more than happy to give back. (Plus, I’d still bet on a really nice return on that investment.)
Russ Marshalek, Flavorpill Social Media Director
If I could meet up for a nightcap with anyone in the world tonight, it’d be you.
Bret Easton Ellis: brilliant author, famous hedonist, person I’d be interested in getting “just one drink” with and seeing where things ended up. Of course, I’d want to have all my affairs in order first.
If I were innocently star-gazing and accidentally discovered a whole new planet, I’d name it after you.
Tracy Morgan. Because he’s already in his own orbit.
If I were starting a band destined for megastardom, I’d definitely want you along for the ride.
Weird electronic hippie-goth producer extraordinaire Pictureplane. I’d be interested in seeing where his ideas pushed mine, and what came of a tour around the world.
Leah Taylor, Flavorpill New York Managing Editor
If I could meet up for a nightcap with anyone in the world tonight, it’d be you.
Kristen Wiig. I figure she’s up late most nights anyway working on SNL, and damn, she looks like fun to have a drink (or drinks) with.
If I had a year to travel and a pair of first-class round-the-world tickets, your name would be on one of them.
Anthony Bourdain. He already knows all the cool places to go, and he manages to get in without reservations! How does he do that?
If I find myself standing under mistletoe at a holiday party, I hope you’re the one next to me.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Be still, my tap-dancing heart! This guy is like a quadruple threat: great actor, dancer, singer (maybe? With his other perfections, I’m really just assuming), and hot to boot.
Marina Galperina, Flavorwire Art Editor
If I had the ability to trade wardrobes with anyone, yours is the one I’d want.
Patti Smith circa Horses. Really for no other reason than because it looks low-maintenance, sufficiently androgynous, and stylish. But this is coming from someone whose greatest fashion achievement is that Fassbinder-as-a-Metallica logo t-shirt.
If I could meet up for a nightcap with anyone in the world tonight, it’d be you.
David Byrne, because he’s brilliant, plays buildings, brings joy to my existence, and I think maybe I can scrounge up enough biking-related conversation to keep things going without falling into a gushing fit and embarrassing myself. Maybe.
If I were a mild-mannered reporter by day, but a kick-ass superhero by night, you’re the only one I’d trust with my secret.
James Franco, because he knows something about multitasking, and I’m pretty sure my multitasking would also result in lawsuits, so we can commiserate.
Lorenzo Ragionieri, Flavorpill Project Manager
If I were a mild-mannered reporter by day, but a kick-ass super hero by night, you’re the only one I’d trust with my secret.
Ozzy Osbourne. Every secret is safe with you, because no one can understand what you’re saying.
If I had the ability to trade wardrobes with anyone, yours is the one I’d want.
Lady Gaga, because I too want to look like I just had a wild night with Barney.
If I were innocently star-gazing and accidentally discovered a whole new planet, I’d name it after you.
Cee-Lo Green. Then I’d help you find your way back home.