When a camera crew lagged behind the ordered lines at Kim Jong-Il’s funeral procession, the Korean Central News Agency had erased them. Perfect order was restored, harking back to the Stalinist era practice of doctoring official photographs. The international photojournalist community groaned and scoffed, but it got us wondering. We thought of a few famous artworks and photographs that could use a touch of “totalitarian esthetics.” So, we gave it to them. Some people will have you think that the so-called imperfections are integral to the historical validity and artistic vision. We took the liberty of ‘shopping them out. Photos altered! Artworks tweaked just so! Everything just shipshape! Enjoy. Oh, and we aren’t Photoshop experts, clearly, so feel free to mock our skills and lack of thereof to your heart’s content, or better yet, submit your own.
Beijing’s Tiananmen Square has never looked neater. Nary a protestor in sight.
Perhaps you’ve noticed that this 1889 Self-Portrait by Van Gogh has been fixed. An ear was transplanted from a different self-portrait, but shh, you can’t tell the difference. Everything’s just fine.
Likewise, Nan Goldin’s 1978 Self-Portrait has been greatly improved because everything’s just fine, like we said.
See, history has it all wrong. The Hindenburg didn’t really blow up and burn. It was a perfectly executed fireworks display, localized on top of the zeppelin.
There is nothing wrong with our clocks. Our clocks are perfect. Obviously, Dalí’s Persistence of Memory was not persistent enough.
Ta-da! Venus De Milo is whole again. We borrowed some arms from Botticelli’s Birth of Venus, so it’s not even cheating, really.
It seems that our heavily air-brushed magazine cover stars and ad models are already exhibiting totalitarian traits. So, we took Frida Kahlo from Self-Portrait with Thorn Necklace , plucked some brows and fixed up all that bloody thorn business on her neck.
Comrade René Magritte’s The Son of Man was clearly flawed, and you can be sure that he has been reprimanded for his frivolous misuse of the communal farm apples.
Fernando Boterro’s Adam and Eve have been slimmed down and usurped of their voluptuary sensuality. Also, Adam is not reaching for forbidden fruit; he is greeting the Dear Leader. Nothing to see here.
Really? Again? This guy just doesn’t learn. Presenting: Starry Night normalized. You’re welcome.