Beijing’s Tiananmen Square has never looked neater. Nary a protestor in sight.
Perhaps you’ve noticed that this 1889 Self-Portrait by Van Gogh has been fixed. An ear was transplanted from a different self-portrait, but shh, you can’t tell the difference. Everything’s just fine.
Likewise, Nan Goldin’s 1978 Self-Portrait has been greatly improved because everything’s just fine, like we said.
See, history has it all wrong. The Hindenburg didn’t really blow up and burn. It was a perfectly executed fireworks display, localized on top of the zeppelin.
There is nothing wrong with our clocks. Our clocks are perfect. Obviously, Dalí’s Persistence of Memory was not persistent enough.
Ta-da! Venus De Milo is whole again. We borrowed some arms from Botticelli’s Birth of Venus, so it’s not even cheating, really.
It seems that our heavily air-brushed magazine cover stars and ad models are already exhibiting totalitarian traits. So, we took Frida Kahlo from Self-Portrait with Thorn Necklace , plucked some brows and fixed up all that bloody thorn business on her neck.
Comrade René Magritte’s The Son of Man was clearly flawed, and you can be sure that he has been reprimanded for his frivolous misuse of the communal farm apples.
Fernando Boterro’s Adam and Eve have been slimmed down and usurped of their voluptuary sensuality. Also, Adam is not reaching for forbidden fruit; he is greeting the Dear Leader. Nothing to see here.
Really? Again? This guy just doesn’t learn. Presenting: Starry Night normalized. You’re welcome.