Once upon a time, monsters were vile creatures to be abhorred and vanquished. Now they’re love interests for teen romances instead, which has left them considerably less scary than they once were. If old-school non-sparkly vampires and aliens were real and you wanted to get down and dirty with one of them, how much danger would you actually be in? To answer that question, we ranked some of our favorite B-movie tropes from most to least desirable.
Other than getting freakishly hairy for a couple of days every month, these guys are basically pretty tame. All you really need to do is lock them up during the full moon so they don’t horribly maim anybody and then you’re good to go. Besides, who’s more loyal than a canine companion? It’d be like having man’s best friend in your man.
Best Teen Example: Scott McCall from MTV’S Teen Wolf , played by the tall, dark, and curly-haired Tyler Posey. He’s the co-captain of his lacrosse team, so dating him would definitely be a huge advantage in the high-school social scene.
The common mental image of what our future robot overlords might look like used to include whirring gears and blinking lights, but in more recent science fiction stories, they look just like us, only hotter — and they act just like us, too! So once you get past the fact that most of them want to destroy all humans and replace us with automatons, it would probably be pretty easy to fall in love with a robot. Maybe if you’re lucky, it will keep you as its human pet when the revolution comes.
Best Teen Example: Cameron from The Sarah Connor Chronicles, played by Summer Glau. She may be a little emotionally flat sometimes, what with not being human and all, but we know we would definitely come with her if we wanted to live.
Not every ghost rattles chains and drip blood down the walls. Some of them are just normal dudes and ladies who like to hang out and float around. You wouldn’t be able to have much of a sex life with one (although Anna Nicole Smith once claimed otherwise), but they’d be really useful around the house. Need a hand putting away the dishes? Let the poltergeist do it for you! They love throwing dishes around! (Just make sure it’s not your good china, because it might end up in pieces)
Best Teen Example: Casper the friendly ghost. Granted, he’s a little young, and most of the time he’s a cutesy bald cartoon character, but he definitely broke a lot of tiny tween hearts at the end of the 1995 movie when he appeared in his human form (as played by Devon Sawa). Putting up with his family of grotesque uncles might take a little getting used to, but he’d probably protect you from their more dangerous pranks. And if you die, hey! He’s dead, too! You could be together forever, or something romantic like that.
If Star Trek taught us anything, it’s that when we finally encounter creatures from other planets, they’ll be just like us but with bumpier foreheads. Yes, some aliens do have tentacles and want to enslave us, but for every face-hugging, acid-blooded spaceship destroyer, there’s a nubile, green-skinned space vixen who just wants to please you. Hopefully you’ll end up with the vixen, but we’re not promising anything.
Best Teen Example: John Smith from I Am Number Four , played by Alex Pettyfer. There’s no denying that everyone in this movie is extremely attractive (too bad it’s not actually that good). Apparently once aliens stop blowing each other up and try to settle down, they become ridiculously boring. Seriously, even the name John Smith is bland.
The idea of creating life out of death remains more than a little disgusting, but it might not be all bad. The original monster from Mary Shelley’s book could quote Paradise Lost and often waxed poetical about humanity, so you’d definitely be able to have some interesting discussions. You’d have to put up with a lot of scars and weird smells, though, and there’s always the danger of being accidentally strangled.
Best Teen Example: In addition to being made out of people, Adam from Season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is also partially built from both demon and mechanical parts, and he’s got this nasty habit of skewering people with a giant poker in his arm. We imagine a date with him would be stressful under the circumstances.
Despite the overwhelming popularity of vampire-on-human romance stories, dating a vamp would actually kind of suck (pun intended). For one thing, you could never have a proper lunch date without them bursting into flames – or worse, glittering in the sunlight like a fairy princess. Cuddling would be awful, too. Getting spooned by somebody with cold feet is bad enough, but imagine if their entire body was that temperature. And let’s not forget that they like to eat people, which is generally frowned upon.
Best Teen Example: Yes, yes, Edward Cullen, whatever, but what about Jessica Hamby from True Blood ? Actress Deborah Ann Woll is hot and all, but her character is remarkably good at “glamoring,” which essentially means that she will win literally every argument you might have. Also, did we mention the part where she eats people? Because that’s definitely a dealbreaker for us.
Does this even need explaining? Really, is there anything less appealing than a rotting body that consumes humans without any conscious thought? At least you can have a conversation with a vampire – a zombie is more like a mindless drone, and who wants to bring that home to dinner? Especially when dinner for them is your brains.
Best Teen Example: Believe it or not, there is actually a zombie teen romance in the works. Based on a popular young adult novel (oh boy, where have we heard that before), the upcoming film Warm Bodies is about a zombie teenager named “R” who develops feelings for Julie, a human girl. If those names sound familiar, it’s because they’re meant to evoke the tragic story of Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, dating someone whose very existence is based on devouring your flesh is exactly the same thing as dating someone that your parents don’t like. Thanks, but we’ll pass.